Good looks in men versus money and power
Hi Miss Love Lab,
Before I ask my question, I just wanted to comment on how lovely you look in your picture on the Ask Love Lab page!
That being said, I was curious about your thoughts on why women who may be allured by a man’s money or power, can seem almost equally or even more so swayed merely by a man’s good looks? Especially in the case when said man has no other resources, including of course, any wealth or power. I have seen some of my closest girlfriends go nuts over a guy just because he had a gorgeous face (or even one that was merely attractive), and most of them also usually shunned men who had other highly desirable attributes, such as high intellect, worldly success, and even (gasp) status. If you can shed any light on this matter, it would be much appreciated!
Thanks,
Arisannah
LOVELAB SAYS:
Hi Arisannah,
Thank you so much for your compliment.
Now to answer your question, I’d like to point out that beauty is not only in the eyes of the beholder. Humans are conditioned to find certain types of traits ‘beautiful’ cross culturally. Certainly, there are geographical and decade-specific variations (TE’s example of the chubbier women) but even that can be boiled down to biological reasons for the most part (in those times chubbier women were of higher status since they could afford to lead more sedentary lifestyles and were more well fed). Nonetheless, there are enduring qualities which human beings respond to (even babies!). To name a few: bilateral symmetry (left side closely matching the right side), closeness to the .7 hip to waist ratio in women (similar in Marylin Monroe and Kate Moss despite their seemingly different body types), well developed cheekbones in both men and women, full lips in women, developed jaw bone in men, healthy skin in both men and women.
Kate Moss: wide hips, small waist
Most of these traits are determined by the amount of sex hormones we produce (specifically the ratio of the sex hormones) which lead to the development of sexually dimorphic traits during puberty. They signify fertility in women and virility in men; they also signify general fitness in both men and women (health related traits like good skin).
For both men and women, the ultimate goal is successful reproduction (that means good genes being passed on and ensuring that the young have sufficient resources to develop until independent). Men and women use different strategies to achieve this, with women having the additional need for resources since they are generally the ones who wind up rearing the young. Although both sexes strive to mate with good genes, women have developed a DUAL MATING strategy to ensure that whatever young they produce they will be able to survive into adulthood. This dual mating strategy is partly possible through the female’s ability to hide her estrus (so men generally do not know when we are ovulating). We have developed an extended sexuality, having nonconceptual sex (sex not leading to conception) throughout our menstrual cycle. One possible explanation for this is that this strategy allows us to secure material benefits from partners who stick around in hopes of impregnating us. Also, they may stick around in hopes of ensuring that other men will not copulate with us and thus confuse parenting.
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Dear Ms. Lovelab,
I recently started to use an online dating service. The first few days I was like a kid in a candy store, full of exuberance. But after a few interactions, some great and some not so great, I realized I am not shopping on amazon, there is no 1-click checkout here. So I need some advice.
I happen to be in online marketing, so I am familiar with concepts of reach, response, engagement and conversions, and customer loyalty, which is what this all seems about.
I got some advice from a friend, which seems like common sense advice, but I am sure a Love expert can really help here. His advice was that I gradually move up the ladder of mediums of conversation prior to asking the girl to meet face to face. IM on site to AIM to Phone. Which I have been doing and it seems to be working, but I am not sure if its the best way to go about things, since its seems awfully slow. Right now I am IMing everyone that can be attractive to me in person. I then speak to the ones that respond, 10-30 minutes. I then try to excuse myself to do something else and ask for their AIM/Yahoo IM. There I spend a few hours causally chatting as I work 2-3 days, if their routine allows for it. (Not seeming too anxious) Then again I say that I am on my way to do something but would love to give them a call. When I get the number, I usually call the next day and we talk as I drive to the gym or on the way back. I usually start talking about meeting on day 2 or 3 of the phone conversations and ask to meet one on one after work.
My questions are the following:
-What do you think of the system?
-How long should I spend on each medium before suggesting the upgrade?
-Do you suggest meeting one-on-one or arranging to meet bump into one another in a club or bar environment on the weekend with others present?
-Should I spend time on women out of my comfort age range?
Assuming I am interested with casual relationships as well as serious ones? (I am 27, so the comfort range would probably be 22-27.)
-Any further pitfalls or other advice you have that’s relevant to meeting a woman online and not in person where the chemistry is instant?
LOVELAB SAYS:
Dear Jdater,
Although a progression in mediums is inevitable (jdate im, messenger/email, text, phone), I see some areas in need of improvement as far as your routine goes – especially if you are seeking efficiency.
For one, the time spent on each medium should depend on which one you are best at. For example, many guys are not adept at phone conversations and therefore should keep that portion at a minimum. You can literally do all the planning on email/messenger and phone the girl on the day of the meeting to confirm details and solidify the reality of it all.
Others are awkward online and should switch to phone as soon as they have the chance (for example as soon as you have secured minimum interest, use aim/messenger to ask the girl if you can call her later that night since you are running to a meeting).
The jdate IM conversation should only be used to establish a general rapport and you should try to transition from this medium asap. The aim/messenger only needs to go for as long as you need to intrigue the girl and establish some sort of mental attraction; I suggest quitting when you’re on top. If you are particularly charming on this medium, then you can go for longer, but really I don’t think more than 20 minutes is necessary.
The phone conversation phase should only be emphasized if you two have totally clicked and/or you are particularly charming and can get the girl excited about the date. Otherwise, I don’t recommend more than 15 minutes, at which time you should make a slight attempt at making her laugh and close the deal at the end of the convo by asking to grab drinks that same week (if this is during the day you can secure a quick lunch/coffee date). You should not be spending hours chatting on the phone and certainly not more than one day!!! Once you have already secured a meeting day, then you can risk screwing that up by calling her a second time and chatting, but otherwise don’t waste your time.
No matter what you do on AIM or on the phone, it is all going to come down to the face to face meeting so you should try to reach that phase as soon as you can.
I suggest one on one meetings as opposed to group ones.
Yes, you should spend time on women out of your comfort range. Older women these days look great and are sexy and confident. You can’t lose out by opening yourself up to this, especially if you are also looking for casual encounters.
As far as other advice, it’s best not to ask a girl to meet her for coffee during dinner time. =)