THE LOVE LAB

Hello Lovelab,

I have been having some problems keeping girls for longer than 2 months. They never seem to like my mama.

Mama didn’t like any of the girls I dated. Mama thought that it was rude how my last girlfriend kept asked me to buy popcorn on our first date. I didn’t have any money on me but luckily my mama was with me and paid for it.

I’m 49 years old wonder if I’ll ever find anyone.

Bobby B

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Bobby B,

They say that knowing the problem is half the battle.

With that said, I have to admit I can only address problems you come to me with, and not others. In this case, you think you cannot find the perfect girl. I was so happy to see that you found a resolution to this per your comment on my Libertarian Love post. I think someone like Aiko, a cute little bot, would be a LOVELY match for you!

Hey, I am a total idealist, but sometimes you got to be realistic and cut your losses (49 is that time). And look at it this way, we can probably assume Aiko doesn’t like popocorn =)

The Perfect Girl for Bobby B

Hi Ms. Lovelab. I am a HUGE fan of your writing and so glad to see you have an advice column up. Anyways, I am a 27 year old male that goes on dates all the time. When is it okay to smack a girl’s bottom, just a light tap (length of time into the date). In general I’d like to know how soon I can initiate various forms of contact with her such as holding her hand, making out, taking her back to my place, the usual… I don’t want to come off as a jerk or too forward but I definitely be forward enough.

- Love The Booty

Stay classy Lovelab

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hello BootyLover,

I think small forms of physical contact should be initiated as soon as a verbal rapport has been set up. For example, if you have gotten to the point where you can get a girl to laugh or giggle, this would be an opportune time to lightly touch her on the hand or on the back or on the back of her shoulder. This will anchor whatever positive feelings she is experiencing at the time of the moment and associate them with you. Once you see a positive response to this behavior (she doesn’t retract or exhibit disgust), you can move on to more aggressive feats. By the end of the date, you can attempt to grab the hand if you are walking around or walking back to the car. If this goes well, you can try to squeeze her hand while you are holding it towards the end of the night. If she responds by looking at you and smiling (or looking with eye contact), pull her closer and go for the kiss.

You should wait until date number 2 to lightly smack the tush, if all goes according to plan on date 1. Make sure to apologize right after

I am a 26 male. Things didn’t work out with my ex because I let her get away with “wearing the pants” in the relationship. I really am not happy with my role in that relationship and want to transform into a more “stereotypically-male” version of myself. Is there anything wrong with that? Or am I lying to myself and changing myself because of my ex and not because of me? And is it possible to really become that male I want to be overnight (in the context of relationships) or would I just be pretending to be someone I’m not?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Tim,

First, I’d like to point out that in the first sentence you say that things didn’t work out with your ex so therefore I will take a leap and assume you are broken up. However, in the next sentence you speak of “your role” in that relationship. Once the relationship has dissolved, you have no role within the dyad. Your relantionship is now with yourself.

Second, has your ex told you that this was the reason it didn’t work out? If she did, that is one thing. If this is the conclusion that you came up with, keep in mind that it is simply your analysis of the situation and may not be the real reason it didn’t work out.

Third, let’s assume that really was the reason it didn’t work out. You are speaking of power dynamics in the relationship and it seems they were skewed in her favor for some reason. You believe that perhaps if you acted more like a typical alpha male (see posts on Modern Alpha Male and Modern ALpha Male: why women love him) that you would have maintained the upper hand.

Although this may be true as far as power dynamics are concerned, this is by no means what one should strive for in a healthy relationship. Power plays result from

a) lack of trust…either due to a violation of it or due to it not being established (such as during courting)

b) one or both of the individuals suffering from a Power complex: they may not have matured enough to overcome the constant need to protect their EGO (and may be never will) or they may view others’ trust as an opportunity to manipulate it and abuse it for their own needs.

Healthy relationships are egalitarian in nature.

Fourth, and with that said, you have to ask yourself whether you really want to be in a relationship that put you in a power struggle in the first place. It could be you that is causing this power struggle, in which case you need to address all this. If it is the other individual, or both of you, then you have to decide if this dynamic can be changed. Not to be in your favor! As you would wish. But to be in favor of a healthy relationship, which means no one should have a huge upper hand.

Can this be accomplished over night? I think that big changes can happen instantaneously as soon as your perception of something alters and you transform within. You are seeking control, but the problem is you want control of the relationship and of your ex. WHat you should really be seeking is control of yourself and your emotions. Yes, that can happen overnight and in an instant. And that WILL make you the man you want to be and that others will want (including your ex) because that is an attractive quality to possess.