THE LOVE LAB

So what does one do? I’m in love with a girl more now since we broke up and I don’t have her than I was before, when we were merry and together. Why does it have to work that way? (We were together a year and broke up, btw, primarily because she felt I didn’t see a future with her, and that I wasn’t going to commit to building one…it’s been two months now).

I want to tell her more than ever about it, but she doesn’t want to hear it. Even more, I want to show it in every way and as a result she feels like I’m smothering her. And all I want to do is builld the future that seemed to be missing. Why can’t that be enough?

Worst of all, she loved me so strongly before, she was so into me before, and I just didn’t appreciate it or even know how to, and now on the flip of a dime, it seems like she just said forget it, and moved on. She asks for space, and tho I want to give it to her, I don’t know what it all entails. The more I give it, the more distant it feels like we get. In fact, the only thing that got her to warm up to me the most was when I was cold-hearted to her. But that was after a week that we broke up, now it seems if I were to do the same kind of thing, that it would just solidify the break up.

I want her back, and I want to be the great guy that she once hoped to have a future with. What advice can you give?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Richard,

Your first question is, “why does it have to be that you like someone more after they broke up with you?”

That is simple. Because a significant social tie/attachment has been broken you are now experiencing high levels of dopamine and lower levels of serotonin (very similar to what people who have just fallen in love feel). The former leads to the focused attention and motivational aspects of you wanting to be with your ex, while the latter lead to the obsessive thinking. Rejection does that; especially rejection that makes you realize you were taking someone for granted and you missed out on something wonderful. She made you want to change, which is a very powerful and unique feeling to induce in someone.

Your second question is, “Why can’t it be enough that you are now ready to be commited after you have broken up, inspite of the fact that you have not shown that commitement after a year?”

The reason for that is that your ex is hurt and no longer trusts you with her feelings. You have now initiated a “power play” (see my response to Tim T’s question) due to the fact that her trust in you has been violated by you taking her love for granted for so long.

Your third question is, “How can I get her back?”

That is a tough question to answer. It seems like you really did a 180 and are ready to man up and reciprocate your ex’s previous devotion. However, once a person has been hurt and they have to heal themselves, that often includes building defenses that shut out the very thing that hurt them in the past. In this case, that would be you and the high hopes that she felt in the relationship. That can be very damaging, as that initial naive excitement is pertinent to the romantic idealizatin that occurs in the beginning. It may be hard for her to regain those strong feelings unless she is extremely forgiving. Additionally, she may be trying to rebuild her damaged ego with your current overload of affection. It is difficult to know whether her ultimate goal is to forgive you and try again (and punish you in the meanwhile) or whether this is just her way of dealing with risidual emotional feelings while she heals and moves on.

My advice is that you should try to spend time together and have fun, but be prepared that you may not win her back