THE LOVE LAB

[Quote of the day: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have kept loving someone who sucked you dry" -S.K. New York, NY]

skating on thin ice…

Love,

So here’s the thing. I just recently got out a tumultuous love affair which ended abruptly. I’m basically ok with this and am actively back in the game. Seeing my ex…….? How do you know if that’s truly a good idea or not? I definitely care less about him but sort of long for that comfort from the past… Should I just leave alls well alone? I might be fine with it but I might not…
Pls advise…

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear JR,

The answer depends on how much time you’ve got to waste.

‘Recycling’ is a tricky business. I think a casual relationship with an ex should only be pursued if you feel emotionally removed from the situation and both of you are not really looking for something more. If he is looking for something and you aren’t, he may pull you back in. If you are telling yourself it is just casual but really hoping for something more and he isn’t, then this won’t do much in the way of giving you that comfort you seek.

You called this post ’skating on thin ice’ so you are clearly vulnerable right now and seeing your ex can be exposing you to more possible disappointments.

Very often, after trust has been violated or there is water under the bridge, at least one of the individuals may be reluctant to get back into the dyad. If the relationship does rekindle, power plays may result (see my response to Richard). In addition, it is simply more emotionally pleasing to pursue something new and exciting, rather something old and jaded.

Regardless of what your reasons are for allowing your ex back into your life or how it might affect you, keep in mind that you said you are back in the game. There is only so much time during the week and if you are giving that time away to an ex whom you said you care less about and you are simply seeking comfort (hence I assume you do not see long term potential) then you are probably not being efficient with your dating life.

Unless you are an incredible emotional multi-tasker and can juggle a vibrant dating life, a relationship with an ex boyfriend, and whatever residual feelings you may have for your last lover, I’d say don’t spend too much time on your ex and at the least don’t prioritize him over anything else going on in your life.

A friend of mine once told me that if you have a major set back, it just means there is a greater reality waiting for you out there and you just have to embrace it. Allow yourself to create this possibility for yourself and remember that true strength lies in letting go of that which is holding you back.

[Quote: "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem]

Asking Someone Out

You’re HOT – How can I date you?

Wait. I have a love advice question too. How can a guy get one of those high quality girls who seem almost out of reach – the celebrities, the movie stars, the girl running the website, the models, the “high status” girls.

It’s not like I interact with them every day. How do I come across them more? And if I see them, what do I do?

Thanks. And, oh, how can I date you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear DD,

It is interesting that you emphasize ’status’ per se since high status is not as important a factor for men as it is for women when it comes to choosing mates. Also, I would like to point out that models are not necessarily high status females, unless they are famous or supermodels. Although they may be coveted by men, it isn’t because of their status, but because of their beauty. They perhaps raise the status of the male, but this doesn’t make them high status.

Status is determined by an individual’s relative rank in the social hierarchy. In American society this is largely determined by fiscal fitness; in general, money and connections will determine your rank since that is what yields influence. Individuals of high status, both male and female, will have first pickings in mate selection and material resources. Celebrity women are indeed included in this category. So like high status men, women of the highest status may choose beauty/youth instead of following a reproductive strategy of most other women (who take resources largely into account). This trend is well characterized by the following celebrity couples:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher

So how does a guy get a really high status woman? It seems you have to be somewhat beautiful and have a laid back personality. These women don’t need to settle on anything; since resources – and the drawbacks that come with men that have them – are not an issue, an ego and a macho attitude probably won’t do you much good. It seems you need to have enough of your own status to flow in their circles, but your own status may not be as much of a factor as it is for the ‘highly desired’ women (discussed in my response to Caliber).

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[Love Quote: "Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex." -Donald Symons, an Anthropologist]

Dear Love Lab,

What are some of the things that can indicate that a man is only pursuing you sexually, or actually might want something more serious or long-term? And what do you think are the factors that would influence his motives?

- Curious

LOVELAB SAYS

Dear Curious,

Keep in mind that the two are not mutually exclusive; a guy who really likes you might still be initially trying to consummate the physical aspect of your relationship. His pushiness with this could be an indication that he is trying to ensure:
a) you are not using him for whatever material benefits you are receiving through the courtship
b) you are not trying to place him in the ‘friend’ category
c) you have a good sexual chemistry

So if he is seemingly aggressive about sealing the deal, look at the whole picture to see if there are relationship-seeking signs displayed at the same time.

SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS SEX

-he is inconsistent with contacting you; days, or even weeks or months go by before you hear from him
-he only calls you to hang out at night
-he is limiting his material and time investment in the relationship
-he doesn’t seem to want to get to know you
-he forgets relevant things about you that you’ve mentioned several times
-the relationship is not progressing in intimacy after you have spent a lot of time together
-he doesn’t go out of his way for you

SIGNS HE IS SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP

-he is taking initiative in planning activities together, particularly those that involve a lot of one-on-one time
-he seems to admire you as a person
-he considers your opinion when making future-oriented decisions
-he prioritizes you
-he wants you to be included in his life and vice versa
-he introduces you to important people in his life
-he opens up to you about his feelings

As far as factors influencing his motives, that is too involved to address in one post. Please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com to inquire into package prices or continue asking more specific questions by emailing me at askme@lovelabonline.com.

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The Fleeting Love

Lovelab,

Can you explain how to make a man want to take care of you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Karen,

I think there are several factors to consider.

First, a man’s capacity to care for someone varies on an individual basis. Some men are mature enough to express their care with appropriate behaviors; some men are simply more capable of care in and of itself due to higher empathy (see my post on THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). It may be easier for them to care for all people, not just the ones they love.

As for or the regular Joe, I think a man needs to feel he wants to invest in you (or has already invested in you) in order for him to elicit caring behaviors. For example, if he is sexually pursuing you or if you are married and you are the mother of his children. In both instances, caring for you would be protecting his own investment (especially in the latter case).

However, aside from that, there are certain females that are extremely good at eliciting the caring response. Think Marylin Monroe; both men and women felt a parental warmth towards her. According to Konrad Lorenz’s theory, childlike characteristics produce an instinctual protective response in people. Thus emphasizing various child like characteristics can enhance your ability to elicit the caring response from men. Below are some examples.

Physical Traits in women that denote a childlike innocence:

Full and well defined lips (natural reddish color)

Rosy cheeks

Firm and elastic skin that glows (although some freckles can denote youth, as well)

Large eyes

Rounded cheeks

Long eyelashes

Blond curls

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