LETTING AN EX BACK INTO YOUR LIFE (JR asks LOVELAB)
[Quote of the day: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have kept loving someone who sucked you dry" -S.K. New York, NY]
skating on thin ice…
Love,
So here’s the thing. I just recently got out a tumultuous love affair which ended abruptly. I’m basically ok with this and am actively back in the game. Seeing my ex…….? How do you know if that’s truly a good idea or not? I definitely care less about him but sort of long for that comfort from the past… Should I just leave alls well alone? I might be fine with it but I might not…
Pls advise…
LOVELAB SAYS:
Dear JR,
The answer depends on how much time you’ve got to waste.
‘Recycling’ is a tricky business. I think a casual relationship with an ex should only be pursued if you feel emotionally removed from the situation and both of you are not really looking for something more. If he is looking for something and you aren’t, he may pull you back in. If you are telling yourself it is just casual but really hoping for something more and he isn’t, then this won’t do much in the way of giving you that comfort you seek.
You called this post ’skating on thin ice’ so you are clearly vulnerable right now and seeing your ex can be exposing you to more possible disappointments.
Very often, after trust has been violated or there is water under the bridge, at least one of the individuals may be reluctant to get back into the dyad. If the relationship does rekindle, power plays may result (see my response to Richard). In addition, it is simply more emotionally pleasing to pursue something new and exciting, rather something old and jaded.
Regardless of what your reasons are for allowing your ex back into your life or how it might affect you, keep in mind that you said you are back in the game. There is only so much time during the week and if you are giving that time away to an ex whom you said you care less about and you are simply seeking comfort (hence I assume you do not see long term potential) then you are probably not being efficient with your dating life.
Unless you are an incredible emotional multi-tasker and can juggle a vibrant dating life, a relationship with an ex boyfriend, and whatever residual feelings you may have for your last lover, I’d say don’t spend too much time on your ex and at the least don’t prioritize him over anything else going on in your life.
A friend of mine once told me that if you have a major set back, it just means there is a greater reality waiting for you out there and you just have to embrace it. Allow yourself to create this possibility for yourself and remember that true strength lies in letting go of that which is holding you back.
Tags: breakups, dating, ex, relationships
February 14th, 2011 at 9:07 am
It’s been 5 years relationship. she stood with me in the very beginning when I’ve been cheated by my first ex-girlfriend whom I knew when I was a teen ager for two years. she helped me getting over her. I was 20, and now I’m 26. she is two years older than me. she started to recognize that I’m too young for her. Convened by such though, she started to interpreting each and every behave and act from me as boyish ones.later on she asked for separation several times, even she tried to do it but it has always been less than week before she come back to me or I come back to her begging to keep going with each other. 5 months ago, She took her final decision to leave, 2 weeks later, I’ve received her engagement new. As a middle eastern community, it’s common that a woman and a man get engaged first then they start to know each other. relationships is denied and rejected in our culture. Our relation was in secret. At it ended up with her getting engaged from someone she does not know, but it seems she loved him as her wedding is going to be someday during this month. I left my country one month ago escaping from all memories and places. I though I would forget about her but it just keeping worse as i find my self in expatriation in here and so lonely without her. she showed up twice via my messenger, we talked and she regret what she did to me and apologized but she can’t back up. I won’t mention how far I went and I was ready to go to keep our love relation and get married, but simply I would say that I did all of what Helen Fisher defined as a romantic love.
I tried to get into new relations, but girls look so naive and superficial compared to her. Even any attempts for sex relation is failed as it makes me cry before it started because it reminds me of her body, and it’s like we just broke up yesterday.