THE LOVE LAB

Love Actualizing

Based on your description of a sociopath, it seems I fit the bill: I look for relationships mostly to address emotional lusting, once I ‘get’ what it is I’m looking for my relationship drive dives, and I find myself impeccably picky in the traits I find favorable in a companion.

Shyness is another tendency that I exhibit, especially when I respect a woman and am physically attracted. My integrity is pretty unscandalable, however, and I have a high self worth or at least delusional fancies of high self worth.

The question I seek answered is: short of successful hypnosis, what steps can I take to be more caring, understanding, and emphatic in romantic relationships?

I suspect that my shyness would shy away if I had the realization that my relationships were less selfishly oriented.

Happy Birthday!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear cyber.hippy.gypsy.guy,

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Good news: I am no psychiatrist so don’t rely on my diagnosis, but it does not seem to me from your description (although limited) that you fit the criteria of a sociopath.

Sociopaths tend to be confident and fearless. In fact, they don’t exhibit fear in performing antisocial acts before doing them and they don’t exhibit guilt after doing them. If you describe yourself as shy, particularly around women who intimidate you, I will guess that you are at least somewhat conscious of what they may be thinking of you. If you are, that means that you are taking the time to consider someone’s thoughts and emotions, something psychopaths are not prone to do. You also mention in the end of your email that your shyness may even be attributed to what you think you may have to offer in a relationship, which is also an ‘other oriented’ consideration.

It seems to me you are concerned about your selfish approach to relationships and you are looking to change that. Psychopaths may know that they are different from others, but from what I know of them, they are not big on allowing others to criticize them or take much time to self reflect on the consequences of their behavior. They are consistent in their lack of concern for others and may even feel empowered by their lack of empathy. It allows them to navigate emotional obstacles intellectually, as well as to manipulate people effortlessly.

 

Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in 'American Psycho'

Is it possible you have not been with women you truly respect and connect with? You did mention that you are intimidated by the women you admire, so may be the ones that you get your emotional kicks from fall beneath what you are truly looking for. It also seems that you are not completely comfortable with your self esteem; I say that because you are struggling with shyness, as well as due to the seemingly unhealthy emotional feedback you are constantly seeking. I see that as a form of validation which tends to occur with egos that have not been entirely solidified.

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There are certain factors that render a man ready to settle down and I describe them below. However, I think on an average, these developments are accomplished between the ages of 27-34 in men. In stimulating cities like New York and LA, it is more difficult for a man to achieve the following developments because of the maximizing attitude of both men and women due to the plethora of choices in romantic partners, activities, and career opportunities. They will probably be on the higher end of this range or perhaps above it.

Nonetheless, a man is generally ready to settle down when:

HE KNOWS HIS SELF WORTH

A man is ready to settle down when he no longer feels the need to validate himself through female affirmation.

It is a clear indication that a man settled prematurely when he still needs to pad his ego by by seeking sexual reciprocation from other women.

In some men, this is manifested through the ‘peter pan syndrome’. You know the ones I’m talking about: the men in their 30’s and 40’s who feel like they are missing out if they don’t visit the new hot spot, dye their hair, sport the flashy car, and constantly surround themselves with people and atmospheres that make them feel younger (particularly younger women). These men have been dating for so long that this bachelor lifestyle has become a sort of routine and they somehow lost track of what was the point of it in the first place. Some of them eventually start a family and not always because they are truly ready to settle down, but because starting a family was on the agenda. They still crave that same lifestyle and may continue to pursue women in various ways. These men are not ideal partners because they still require validation.

Some men can achieve this stage very early on because they have healthy egos, pursue activities they are passionate about that build their self esteem, and have had the necessary life experiences to facilitate such development; some may never achieve this or achieve it when it is not optimal for them to settle down. Men are a lot more lax about their age since they don’t feel the impending doom of the biological clock until much later. Unfortunately, for those who do plan on eventually having a family, there is a cost to this because male sperm loses quality after 35 years of age similarly to the way female fertility diminishes. Although they may still be able to impregnate, the risks for genetic disorders in offspring increases and many of these diseases (such as schizophrenia) will not rear their ugly ahead until the children reach a certain age.

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