“I GUESS YOU’LL DO”(TE asks LOVELAB)
Ok I get it…now what?
I get it, I really do. I understand it – I pick out a mate for the purpose of my reproduction. My genes dictate that I find that right one – even if it’s a settled but safe lover, and stick to them. As you put it so eloquently in your earlier articles, marriage is nothing but a social (and legal) contract to ensure the welfare of offspring. So then by today’s societal standards, we find someone we’re willing to work with – someone who we feel has the same values for parenthood. We pick them, have a relationship, and when the excitement dies – you start a family. See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs
But what if you’re not after marriage? What if you found someone who you feel can offer your offspring all that is needed but do not want a family? What happens when you agree that you’re great for each other but don’t want to take that next step (for circumstantial reasons – career, money, etc.). Then by definition, the relationship will continue until your passion and excitement dies out.
Do you just go on day by day until that happens? Do you wait for the relationship wilts or for one of us to commit adultery? What happens when that initial thrill, those butterflies of love die out and you’re left with of a relationship to have a family but no desire to start one? Do you end it? What if you don’t want to hurt the other person? Now what?
LOVELAB SAYS:
Dear TE,
Not all relationships fizzle out. Sure, many do. But I think it is underestimated how many are alive and strong with these rumors of outrageous divorce rates flying around (the statistics diverge when you consider women who are over 23 years of age and college educated, diminishing that notorious 50%). I think many couples simply don’t have the skills (mainly communication skills) necessary to sustain long term love.
To give you an uplifting example, I assisted in an fMRI study which looked at couples who were in love for over 10 years. These individuals were happy and vibrant and they were absolutely in love (with sex and all) with their partner, whether they were 40 years old or 60 years old! When looking at their loved ones in an fMRI, similar brain regions were activated (amongst additional ones) as those which were seen in couples who have recently fallen in love. What is more, several studies indicate that these people are not as unique in our society as we have been conditioned to think (I suppose happily married couples don’t make for fun media/television/movie subjects). The following article talks a little about this work: http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2009/01_25-34/LIF
There are certainly things a couple can do to sustain their love. Research by Dr. Arthur Aron has shown, for example, that engaging in novel and stimulating activities with your partner can benefit the relationship and keep the dopamine levels high (dopaminergic systems are implicated in that ‘in love’ feeling). How a couple communicates, particularly during arguments, is also of severe importance; various research endeavors have shown that communicating positive emotions (both physical and verbal) during arguments can be beneficial. Another important quality that has been shown to appear in great relationships is ‘capitalizing’. This means that when your partner expresses positive emotions or news, you reciprocate the positivity and capitalize on it by amplifying it. For example, if your partner tells you about his exciting day at work and you say “Wow, that is great! I am so happy for you!” as opposed to “That’s great, but this also means you will be spending less time at home” or “Oh, that’s cool, do you know yet whether you’ll be able to come to dinner with me this weekend?” Personally, I think empathy on both parts is absolutely critical since it will largely impact how a couple communicates with each other and their ability to reach compromises. By communicating effectively, a couple is able to minimize the negativity of a relationship and emphasize the positives.
As far as the situation you mentioned, where you may have found a great guy but it seems to be poor timing, consider that timing is often a factor whether we like it or not. If this person is really a keeper then you can stick it out and try to maintain your love (with some examples I mentioned above). If BOTH of you are simply not ready for legitimate reasons, then this shouldn’t be too much of an issue. If you are ready and he is not, then you have to consider whether this is the right situation for you since you may be losing out on the opportunity to meet a guy who IS ready.
As far as letting them know when the love dies out…well, you only live once and you cannot worry about hurting someone’s feelings about such major decisions as long as you are being fair. If this is not the right situation for you then this person who loves you has to understand that and will hopefully heal in time. You are hurting them more by staying with them if the love is no longer there since you are keeping them from being in another fulfilled relationship (as well as yourself).
BTW..Love the video! =)
Tags: long term love, love fizzling out, marriage, relationships