THE LOVE LAB

[Dating quote: "Unless you are really bad, we will give you a chance to sleep with us." - Alek G. New York, NY]

It’s true. Even if a girl’s game isn’t tight, she can still get a second date if the guy is physically attracted to her.

There are a couple of deal breakers….and a few bad impression leavers.

DON’T sleep with a guy on a first date – yes so cliche, but true. Even if you are telling yourself that you only like him enough to sustain an exclusively physical relationship (a.k.a. booty call), this is still not the best way to do that. And yes, there are exceptions where the chemistry is so strong and the personalities are so compatible, that the guy may pursue a commitment. This is rare and you can’t lose anything by being patient.

DON’T get/act drunk – tipsy is ok, but slurring your words and tripping over yourself is not ok. Even if the guy has a lot of fun, he’s going to wonder if he can ever bring you home to mama.

These are some of the ‘not recommended’:

DON’T order more than one drink unless he offers – this partly goes along with the ‘don’t get drunk’ deal breaker, but additionally be conscious of the fact that very often the guy pays for the date and so being leisurely with ordering may come off as inconsiderate.

DON’T be glued to the blackberry – apparently guys hate it when girls keep checking and using their mobile device during a date. Some see it as a sign of immaturity; being overly social can be associated with the younger girl as opposed to the mature and independent woman. Others simply find it irritating and rude that a person is not present there with them, but is stuck in some other dimension.

DON’T dress inappropriately - dress to the weather, occasion, and look your best. A first date is not the time to experiment with new lipsticks or your ’sweatpants chic’ look. At the same time, you shouldn’t wear a mini-dress to brunch; you certainly don’t want to come off like you are trying too hard. Look your best for the occasion, but ensure that you are comfortable and mobile in whatever you wear. Stay tuned for a post on dressing for a date.

Exercise caution in discussing religion and politics – Women are often not as well versed in politics, probably because they are not as interested. In any case, being less informed often doesn’t prevent people from forming strong opinions (this goes for both sexes). Tread lightly here (see previous post on DISCUSSING RELIGION AND POLITICS ON A FIRST DATE).

The rule of thumb is to avoid both religion and politics on the very first date. First, I will go a little into why you should tread with caution and then, I will explain why there are instances why it is a necessary evil. Why avoid religion and politics? These topics don’t simply involve having an opinion, they often encompass a person’s entire world view.

For example, as written in a previous post (Aporia and the Liberal Mind), research has shown that liberals tend to be better than conservatives at accepting new information and adjusting their schemas accordingly. I would go as far as to say that this could translate into an overall less judgmental and more observant predisposition. Some people prefer this in a partner, while others say they want a person who sticks to their guns. To each his own, right?

Religion is another sticky topic. Some people are generally apathetic even if they say they follow a particular set of rules/beliefs, but even those can be offended. For example, even a person who hasn’t had time to think things through about their alleged viewpoint can be put off by extreme views and opinions. If you are the person with the extreme views and opinions, what are the chances a person you just met will change your entire world view with a cogent argument? Probably slim to none.

Sometimes it takes people constant exposure to a viewpoint or a major event in their life to allow for a different opinion on topics such as religion and politics.

However, there are times when this may be important to get out of the way. Personally, I am opinionated on both these topics and I have views that may be considered marginal by some. For this reason, I like to express these views from the outset. This way, if they are deal breakers, then we don’t have to continue wasting each other’s time. Also, it is a way for me to gage some qualities of the person: open mindedness, logic, the ability to understand abstract concepts, and the ability to listen reflectively.

So, here are some useful reasons to bring up politics:

a) If you are very passionate about your political views and it is a part of your life in a significant way – you will likely want your future partner to at least understand your perspective and perhaps even share it.

b)If you have very extreme and marginal views – even if politics is not a big part of your life you will want to know if your partner is open minded enough to accept your views and respect you for the difference in opinion (if there is some)

Here are some useful reasons to being up religion:

a) If you are considerably religious – not everyone will be comfortable with this and there are implications for lifestyle that a perspective partner should be aware of (food restrictions, rituals, etc). It is better to consider whether the difference is something both people are willing to live with than try to change people later on. Some people may think it isn’t a big deal for their partner to cut out pork from their diet, but expecting someone to change to fit your belief system is, in fact, a very big deal in principle.

b) If you are an atheist – for some people the belief in God or a higher being is central to their entire concept of the world. It is a way for them to make sense and order of the universe, it gives them hope, and it fills in the gaps of uncertainty to some extent. Most people are very uncomfortable with uncertainty and they may have a hard time understanding the atheist mentality. This will also be culturally sensitive; Americans are largely theist whereas countries like Japan are mostly atheist (if you count Buddhism as an atheist belief).

DO NOT discuss religion or politics if you are:

a) Hoping to convince the other person of your perspective

b) Not willing to listen to the reasons for their beliefs and at least try to understand

c) Not interested in these topics whatsoever. If the other person is still pushing the subject, that means it is important to them and you should consider whether this is something you can handle in a relationship.

d) If it is clear the other person is much better versed in politics. As far as religion is concerned, I don’t think you need to be well versed in anything to have a viewpoint, but you should understand the major tenants of other viewpoints if you are planning to criticize them at all. It helps to have good logic for both.

If none of these exceptions apply to you, the first date should be used to establish a physical comfort and the conversation should be light, stimulating, and playful. Religious and political debates often turn heated and sometimes do not bring out the best qualities in people; more importantly they may prevent physical contact on a first date.

Although this is a dynamic subject, as I am constantly discovering new faux pas that can come from the other end, I decided to post some general no no’s.

Some of these are downright deal breakers for some females, whereas others just make a bad impression. Here it goes;

DON’T ask a girl to come meet you in your neighborhood or half way.

DON’T fumble with the check or let her pay half.

DON’T talk about yourself the whole time.

DON’T try to go for the kiss unless it is painfully clear the girl is feeling you.

DON’T let the girl take public transportation at night.

DON’T engage in dirty talking until you’ve at least made out first.

That’s all for today folks. Stay tuned for more in this never ending series.