DISCUSSING RELIGION AND POLITICS ON A FIRST DATE
The rule of thumb is to avoid both religion and politics on the very first date. First, I will go a little into why you should tread with caution and then, I will explain why there are instances why it is a necessary evil. Why avoid religion and politics? These topics don’t simply involve having an opinion, they often encompass a person’s entire world view.
For example, as written in a previous post (Aporia and the Liberal Mind), research has shown that liberals tend to be better than conservatives at accepting new information and adjusting their schemas accordingly. I would go as far as to say that this could translate into an overall less judgmental and more observant predisposition. Some people prefer this in a partner, while others say they want a person who sticks to their guns. To each his own, right?
Religion is another sticky topic. Some people are generally apathetic even if they say they follow a particular set of rules/beliefs, but even those can be offended. For example, even a person who hasn’t had time to think things through about their alleged viewpoint can be put off by extreme views and opinions. If you are the person with the extreme views and opinions, what are the chances a person you just met will change your entire world view with a cogent argument? Probably slim to none.
Sometimes it takes people constant exposure to a viewpoint or a major event in their life to allow for a different opinion on topics such as religion and politics.
However, there are times when this may be important to get out of the way. Personally, I am opinionated on both these topics and I have views that may be considered marginal by some. For this reason, I like to express these views from the outset. This way, if they are deal breakers, then we don’t have to continue wasting each other’s time. Also, it is a way for me to gage some qualities of the person: open mindedness, logic, the ability to understand abstract concepts, and the ability to listen reflectively.
So, here are some useful reasons to bring up politics:
a) If you are very passionate about your political views and it is a part of your life in a significant way – you will likely want your future partner to at least understand your perspective and perhaps even share it.
b)If you have very extreme and marginal views – even if politics is not a big part of your life you will want to know if your partner is open minded enough to accept your views and respect you for the difference in opinion (if there is some)
Here are some useful reasons to being up religion:
a) If you are considerably religious – not everyone will be comfortable with this and there are implications for lifestyle that a perspective partner should be aware of (food restrictions, rituals, etc). It is better to consider whether the difference is something both people are willing to live with than try to change people later on. Some people may think it isn’t a big deal for their partner to cut out pork from their diet, but expecting someone to change to fit your belief system is, in fact, a very big deal in principle.
b) If you are an atheist – for some people the belief in God or a higher being is central to their entire concept of the world. It is a way for them to make sense and order of the universe, it gives them hope, and it fills in the gaps of uncertainty to some extent. Most people are very uncomfortable with uncertainty and they may have a hard time understanding the atheist mentality. This will also be culturally sensitive; Americans are largely theist whereas countries like Japan are mostly atheist (if you count Buddhism as an atheist belief).
DO NOT discuss religion or politics if you are:
a) Hoping to convince the other person of your perspective
b) Not willing to listen to the reasons for their beliefs and at least try to understand
c) Not interested in these topics whatsoever. If the other person is still pushing the subject, that means it is important to them and you should consider whether this is something you can handle in a relationship.
d) If it is clear the other person is much better versed in politics. As far as religion is concerned, I don’t think you need to be well versed in anything to have a viewpoint, but you should understand the major tenants of other viewpoints if you are planning to criticize them at all. It helps to have good logic for both.
If none of these exceptions apply to you, the first date should be used to establish a physical comfort and the conversation should be light, stimulating, and playful. Religious and political debates often turn heated and sometimes do not bring out the best qualities in people; more importantly they may prevent physical contact on a first date.
Tags: first date, open mindedness, politics, religion
March 9th, 2009 at 3:21 am
I would like to say that there are more reasons why people may be religious or believe in a higher being, than what you stated. Also, there are more important topics that exist than politics and religion. And I think it’s pretentious and a turn off to bring up such heavy topics on a first date. It just shows the person takes themselves way too seriously, and that alone displays their world view, or way of being in the world. I think similarity in morals is of greater importance, and yes admittedly religion is a big deal…but politics…Sometimes differences are as important as you make them.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Dear Bella,
I agree that there are more reasons why people may be religious or believe in a higher being and the ones I stated were merely an example.
As far as the importance of topics, I think to each his own. To some people, politics and religion is of a philosophical and moral importance and those people will likely bring those topics up on a date. This is not a pretentious behavior on their side since they may be passionate about these subjects nor do I think it means that they take themselves too seriously because a person’s world view need not be tied into their sense of self or ego. You can have a particular political viewpoint, for instance, and be comfortable in expressing it but this does not mean that you can’t also laugh at yourself or refuse criticism. In fact, I am not quite sure how bringing up these topics would render someone as taking themselves too seriously so perhaps you can clarify that for me.
Plus, as I mentioned in the post since it is so important to them it is best they do bring it up since it will weed out potential incompatibility between the individuals. To people who believe there are more important topics than both religion and politics, it will be a turn off and that is why aside from the exceptions I listed, I agree with you and do not recommend engaging in these topics.
I absolutely agree with you that differences are as important as you make them. That is why, it is important to exercise caution with this topic, in general. Sometimes the way you present your world view and the way you respond to another person’s is just as important as the actual differences. It is important to generally be open minded and a good listener; but as I said, it is probably best to express extreme views and lifestyles from the beginning because these sorts of differences will surely surface.
March 9th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
[...] Exercise caution in discussing religion and politics – Women are often not as well versed in politics, probably because they are not as interested. In any case, being less informed often doesn’t prevent people from forming strong opinions (this goes for both sexes). Tread lightly here (see previous post on DISCUSSING RELIGION AND POLITICS ON A FIRST DATE). [...]