Lovelab,

Can you explain how to make a man want to take care of you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Karen,

I think there are several factors to consider.

First, a man’s capacity to care for someone varies on an individual basis. Some men are mature enough to express their care with appropriate behaviors; some men are simply more capable of care in and of itself due to higher empathy (see my post on THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). It may be easier for them to care for all people, not just the ones they love.

As for or the regular Joe, I think a man needs to feel he wants to invest in you (or has already invested in you) in order for him to elicit caring behaviors. For example, if he is sexually pursuing you or if you are married and you are the mother of his children. In both instances, caring for you would be protecting his own investment (especially in the latter case).

However, aside from that, there are certain females that are extremely good at eliciting the caring response. Think Marylin Monroe; both men and women felt a parental warmth towards her. According to Konrad Lorenz’s theory, childlike characteristics produce an instinctual protective response in people. Thus emphasizing various child like characteristics can enhance your ability to elicit the caring response from men. Below are some examples.

Physical Traits in women that denote a childlike innocence:

Full and well defined lips (natural reddish color)

Rosy cheeks

Firm and elastic skin that glows (although some freckles can denote youth, as well)

Large eyes

Rounded cheeks

Long eyelashes

Blond curls

This picture of a young Marylin Monroe is a perfect example of a face with child like features. She has the full reddish lips, the glowing skin, the blond curles, and the rounded cheeks.

Also notice her playful expression. Marylin Monroe was practically an expert at exuding a childlike charm. This was grounded in more than her looks.

Expressions and personality can play a role, as well. Just think of how a child acts…taking the best qualities of course.

Some of these personality features can include:

naivete and innocence

frankness and honesty

curiosity

enthusiasm about life

energy

showing admiration and being in awe (a child is more likely to be exposed to novelty)

These personality traits can be expressed through facial mannerisms:

a pout

genuine smiles and laughter

a sweet and childlike voice

From Wiki:

“The Ingénue (pronounced /?æn??nu?/) is a stock character in literature, film, and a role type in the theatre; generally a girl or a young woman who is endearingly innocent and wholesome.

Typically, the ingenue is beautiful, gentle, sweet, virginal, and often naïve, in mental or emotional danger, or even physical danger, usually a target of The Cad; whom she may have mistaken for The Hero.”

Below are females who have have benefited from their childlike sexuality (Marylin Monroe, Briggitte Bardot, Britney Spears, Kate Hudson:

monroe

briggitte bardot

britney spears

kate hudson

Based on your description of a sociopath, it seems I fit the bill: I look for relationships mostly to address emotional lusting, once I ‘get’ what it is I’m looking for my relationship drive dives, and I find myself impeccably picky in the traits I find favorable in a companion.

Shyness is another tendency that I exhibit, especially when I respect a woman and am physically attracted. My integrity is pretty unscandalable, however, and I have a high self worth or at least delusional fancies of high self worth.

The question I seek answered is: short of successful hypnosis, what steps can I take to be more caring, understanding, and emphatic in romantic relationships?

I suspect that my shyness would shy away if I had the realization that my relationships were less selfishly oriented.

Happy Birthday!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear cyber.hippy.gypsy.guy,

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Good news: I am no psychiatrist so don’t rely on my diagnosis, but it does not seem to me from your description (although limited) that you fit the criteria of a sociopath.

Sociopaths tend to be confident and fearless. In fact, they don’t exhibit fear in performing antisocial acts before doing them and they don’t exhibit guilt after doing them. If you describe yourself as shy, particularly around women who intimidate you, I will guess that you are at least somewhat conscious of what they may be thinking of you. If you are, that means that you are taking the time to consider someone’s thoughts and emotions, something psychopaths are not prone to do. You also mention in the end of your email that your shyness may even be attributed to what you think you may have to offer in a relationship, which is also an ‘other oriented’ consideration.

It seems to me you are concerned about your selfish approach to relationships and you are looking to change that. Psychopaths may know that they are different from others, but from what I know of them, they are not big on allowing others to criticize them or take much time to self reflect on the consequences of their behavior. They are consistent in their lack of concern for others and may even feel empowered by their lack of empathy. It allows them to navigate emotional obstacles intellectually, as well as to manipulate people effortlessly.

 

Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in 'American Psycho'

Is it possible you have not been with women you truly respect and connect with? You did mention that you are intimidated by the women you admire, so may be the ones that you get your emotional kicks from fall beneath what you are truly looking for. It also seems that you are not completely comfortable with your self esteem; I say that because you are struggling with shyness, as well as due to the seemingly unhealthy emotional feedback you are constantly seeking. I see that as a form of validation which tends to occur with egos that have not been entirely solidified.

However, you are on the right track in looking to address this. I think the best thing to do would be to speak to a psychologist about developing healthy relationship behaviors or seek advice from your friends who seem to be able to maintain healthy relationships. A psychologist/psychiatrist will also be able to let you know whether you do or do not have antisocial personality disorder/sociopathology.

Even if it so happens that you are a sociopath and you are having trouble being empathic intuitively, you can intellectually decide on engaging in behaviors which will lead to successful outcomes (including great and fulfilling relationships). Sociopaths have been shown in fMRI studies to process emotionally salient content in their intellectual (particularly language oriented) centers of the brain. If you are commited to self actualization in love and relationships, you can operate on a code of principles which will allow for this (think of the show Dexter, where the main character does something similar to this).

“Felix2″ illustration by Inna Sokolskaya

There are certain factors that render a man ready to settle down and I describe them below. However, I think on an average, these developments are accomplished between the ages of 27-34 in men. In stimulating cities like New York and LA, it is more difficult for a man to achieve the following developments because of the maximizing attitude of both men and women due to the plethora of choices in romantic partners, activities, and career opportunities. They will probably be on the higher end of this range or perhaps above it.

Nonetheless, a man is generally ready to settle down when:

HE KNOWS HIS SELF WORTH

A man is ready to settle down when he no longer feels the need to validate himself through female affirmation.

It is a clear indication that a man settled prematurely when he still needs to pad his ego by by seeking sexual reciprocation from other women.

In some men, this is manifested through the ‘peter pan syndrome’. You know the ones I’m talking about: the men in their 30’s and 40’s who feel like they are missing out if they don’t visit the new hot spot, dye their hair, sport the flashy car, and constantly surround themselves with people and atmospheres that make them feel younger (particularly younger women). These men have been dating for so long that this bachelor lifestyle has become a sort of routine and they somehow lost track of what was the point of it in the first place. Some of them eventually start a family and not always because they are truly ready to settle down, but because starting a family was on the agenda. They still crave that same lifestyle and may continue to pursue women in various ways. These men are not ideal partners because they still require validation.

Some men can achieve this stage very early on because they have healthy egos, pursue activities they are passionate about that build their self esteem, and have had the necessary life experiences to facilitate such development; some may never achieve this or achieve it when it is not optimal for them to settle down. Men are a lot more lax about their age since they don’t feel the impending doom of the biological clock until much later. Unfortunately, for those who do plan on eventually having a family, there is a cost to this because male sperm loses quality after 35 years of age similarly to the way female fertility diminishes. Although they may still be able to impregnate, the risks for genetic disorders in offspring increases and many of these diseases (such as schizophrenia) will not rear their ugly ahead until the children reach a certain age.

HE HAS LEARNED HOW TO LOVE

In an earlier post, I surmised that a successful relationship comprises of Knowledge, Respect, Care, and Effort. This means that both people must be capable of giving in these ways. When people, particularly men, are still immature they view love in terms of what they receive. Falling in love and being infatuated with a girl naturally leads to wanting her reciprocation and supplying her with adoration. However, this can soon wear off if it is not actively sustained. Sustaining a healthy idealization of an individual comes more easily when you really know them and admire them for the human being that they are. Further, care and effort is needed to nurture the relationship and some men need a relationship or two to understand that you can’t take a good thing for granted.

Some men are incapable; sociopaths who are low on empathy will have a difficult time giving love since they have a hard time understanding the point of view of others. Their inability to relate prevents them from truly knowing an individual and thus respecting them in a meaningful way. Their care and effort is exerted to satisfy personal goals rather than to promote the well being and goals of the other. This may go unnoticed until the goals of the loved come in conflict with those of the sociopath.

Women are naturally more nurturing so the ability to love in these ways may come to them sooner.

HE UNDERSTANDS THE VALUE OF INTEGRITY

A man is only as good as his word. The mark of a real man is that he is honest and keeps his promises. This is also the mark of a mentally healthy and stable human being.

Breaking promises is a sure sign that a man has not matured. Repeat offenders of this crime are possibly liars, as well, but it is also possible that they have not stabilized their lives and feel chaos inside. In that case, they likely break promises to themselves as often as they do to others.

Constant lying and breaking of promises is also a warning sign that the person may be a sociopath (or has antisocial personality disorder). As I mentioned, these individuals have difficulties in all the factors that are necessary for settling down but integrity is the most obvious. Integrity comes easier to people who are high in empathy, but even those are not extremely high on it may learn the lesson that it ultimately serves the individual who prescribes to it.

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Anonymous,

This is a difficult question to answer since there are so many factors that can be involved and I believe they may be somewhat different for men and women. A question like this can be answered in an entire book, but perhaps I can dedicate an article to this at some point. For now, I’d like to attempt to answer it in brief.

First, we need to separate the condition of being ‘in love’ with ‘loving’. Being passionately and romantically in love with an individual is different than having fond and companionate feelings for them. It is one thing to not stray because you cannot stop thinking about your object of affection, the thought of being with others is simply not as arousing to you, and their reciprocation is of the utmost importance. It is quite another situation when you have been together for a bit and your commitment to the individual is more out of respect and obligation, as well as attachment.

I think people are much less likely to cheat when they are romantically ‘in love’ with someone since a lot of their mental resources are so focused on the object of their love. If people are promiscuous during this time, I would attribute this to insecurity of getting reciprocation from their loved one or of general insecurities over their self worth.
Also, some people believe that a physical indiscretion does not really betray the object of their affection; they have a sharp distinction between sex and love. In their minds, these individuals are not really ‘cheating’ and believe that what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

As far as when people have fallen out of love and claim to ‘love you’, there are both cultural and physiological factors that can lead an individual to cheat. In these cases, I believe a lot depends on the strength of character of the individual combined with the societal treatment of infidelity.

Men and women, at this point, would have different reasons for cheating. Men are programmed to like novelty and seek to spread their genes (sperm) as much as possible. Not every man has the same mating strategy; some are more likely to stick around and ensure that their progeny survives while others take quantity over quality. There are genetic factors involved in this, with certain men being more likely to cheat than others (to be discussed in details in an upcoming article). Women also have a biological program to reproduce successfully (create fit progeny that would have the necessary resources to survive). However, resources are a very important factor for women and many women cannot monopolize good genes and resources in the same package.

Those with partners who are missing the good genes are prone to be attracted to men with masculine features and testosterone markers during their ovulation. Women are probably less likely to physically betray a man with good gene markers since there would be no payoff with that; however, it may be possible that they may try to secure material benefits from other men by various means or simply seek a partner who can offer both.

I’d like to point out that in spite of these evolutionary/biological factors, humans are perfectly capable of not cheating regardless the instinctual drives. In this sense, I really believe the character of the individual plays a major role. Some people may want to cheat, but they don’t because they have decided for themselves not to do it. We have the ability to have this conviction and some people are simply more evolved in this respect, choosing to be honest regardless of how this may conflict with their mating strategy.

WHAT IS IT

It is an attitude by which to engage in high quality relationships where the two individuals freely enter a social agreement in which they choose to promote the physical and mental well being of the other. If both individuals choose to participate in a relationship of their own free will they are, in a sense, making a tacit social contract. They have weighed the costs against the benefits and they are willing to live with the consequences of that choice.

WHAT OF FIDELITY

However, this only works if both people obey the terms of the contract. For instance, if I agree to enter a monogamous relationship and my partner cheats – this is not libertarian love. Even though both people in this instance are free to do as they please (cheat if you want, leave if you want), this is not a form of libertarian love since the cheater has entered into a contract whereby they have agreed to disengage from extra-pair affairs of their own free will. It is also not libertarian love if I never find out about my partner’s affair. If I enter into a social contract with a partner, based on some perception which he has presented to me, then I am being cheated out of my opportunity to make the right choice for myself when that image is an illusion. This is an indirect way of hindering someone’s liberty – by way of misinformation and deception (a.k.a. FRAUD).

HOW WOULD A LIBERTARIAN LOVE RELATIONSHIP END

In Libertarian love both individuals promote the well being of the other and allow them to develop in ways that they wish. Preferably, the goals of both idividuals are not in conflict. A libertarian love relationship would end if the goals of each person are in conflict to a degree that either is not willing to compromise in order to reduce the conflict of interest. In this sense, the love itself would not end since it was not given based on any expected return, but the relationship would dissolve.

“Windmill windmill for the land Turn forever hand in hand Take it all there on your stride It is TICKIN’, fallin’ down Love forever love is free Let’s turn forever you and me Windmill windmill for the land Is everybody In?”-Gorillaz, “Feel Good, Inc”