THE LOVE LAB

Status in American society is typically established (or inherited) through wealth, prestige, and power. In the pre-modern age, women usually acquired their status through marriage, but these days females are capable of social mobility all on their own.

There are two main strategies women can use to achieve high rank, a ‘relational’ or a ‘hierarchical’ one.

In a similar system described for men, there are Alpha and Beta females and saying that one is high ranking than the other is really like comparing apples and oranges. These are simply two distinct strategies used to achieve high status. Within each category, there can be degrees of status rank such that you can have a very high ranking Beta female or a low ranking Alpha female. As mentioned for the guys, the categories are not strictly defined in humans and there are varying degrees.

Alpha Female

highly competitive, looking to be in control of a situation in any way possible

highly sexual and possibly promiscuous,

probably higher in testosterone than the average girl,

attempts to establish social dominance through body language or manipulative behavior

looks to mate with other Alpha, preferably of higher rank

Beta Female

highly relational, looks to gain support and respect in a situation through amicable means

varied in sex drive,

probably higher in estrogen than the average girl

selective and loyal with sexual partners

attempts to establish social dominance by building alliances and via favor of an Alpha male/female

interested in both Alpha and Beta partners, but is more compatible with a beta

Whether an Alpha or a Beta female is of high or low rank will be determined by her environment and her ability to obtain power, property, or prestige from that environment. Alpha’s are more likely to achieve this on their own, sometimes by compromising loving relationships and following a risky reproductive strategy (mating with unreliable partners or very late in their reproductive stage), while Beta’s are more likely to achieve their success through alliances and likely to follow a safer mating strategy (gaining popularity in social groups and marrying reliable and more successful partners).

Like Beta males, beta females make better romantic partners but are both at risk for having their social rank or romance compromised by the aggressive Alpha adversary.

For example, in the workplace, if there is a conflict of interest between an alpha and a beta female that are similar in ranks the alpha female can attempt to use more aggressive strategies to assert her position. However, who comes out on top will depend on the situation and the other players involved.

The Alpha female will also have little qualms about ‘poaching’ a partner who is already in a relationship since she looks for Alphas that will be prone to such promiscuity in the first place and has an ‘ends justifies the means’ approach to life. She has a ‘good genes’ strategy and the men she chooses tend to have high testosterone.

This is one reason why Beta females are better off with Beta partners who are less susceptible to cheating in the first place and invest more in their pair bond.

However, both Beta males and females tend to be happier in all aspects of life and do better when not disrupted by aggressive Alphas of similar rank. The pair bonding, high parental investment strategy overcame the promiscuous one 6 million years ago when we diverged from the Chimp. Although Alpha males and females still persist in the population, at least in the U.S. they are a relative minority. The fact that polygamy is illegal, infidelity is frowned upon, and highly aggressive women tend to be subdued (and highly aggressive men tend to be in prisons) is a testament to the fact that the Beta strategy is prevailing.

Modern Day High Status Women (of both types)

Oprah (beta)

Carla Bruni (alpha-beta)

Hillary Clinton (alpha)

Madonna (alpha)

Ariana Huffington (beta)

Angelina Jolie (alpha)

Anna Wintour (alpha)

Michelle Obama (beta)

Look out for my guest blogging appearance on Guest of a Guest within the next 12 hours!

Dealing with rejection in a healthy way is a sizable mental feat. It takes years for people to master this and find positivity in rejection. Ultimately, the goal is to see failure as feedback in order to improve your strategies or to understand yourself and others. Rejection can catapult people into depression and make them nonfunctional and self-destructive. So it is important to learn how to buffer yourself against rejection and to have a healthy outlook which will make you resilient in life and love.

NOT ATTACHING YOURSELF TO AN OUTCOME FROM THE BEGINNING

This is a very powerful concept. This does not mean that you are indifferent to the impact a person has on you nor does it mean that you are closed off from love or from the risks associated when allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another. It means that you are open to love in general and not focusing on creating that with someone who is not open to love or is not open to loving YOU. It is a libertarian concept at heart (see post on Libertarian Love) since it means that you are not wishing an outcome for a person that they may not want for themselves. It is about going into relationships, courtship, and dating situations with the knowledge that the person may not feel about you the same way you feel about them and respecting this and not taking it personally. If you have this mindset from the beginning, you will be able to accept and understand that rejection is sometimes a blessing because on some level that person was honest enough with themselves and you to address some sort of incompatibility.

[Quote: "It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle, Greek philosopher]

I have mentioned from time to time that open-mindedness is a trait that I value very highly. I wanted to elaborate on the meaning of open-mindedness and how being open-minded can increase the quality of your interactions with others. In particular, I want to show how this trait impacts romantic relationships.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE OPEN-MINDED

Simply put, open-mindedness is the willingness to entertain an idea or thought, regardless of whether you will eventually decide to accept it. Ideally, this means that you will accept new information without bias and subject it to critical analysis. If it proves to be reasonable, it will then follow that you will be willing to integrate it into your schema of the world.

PRACTICING OPEN-MINDEDNESS

In practice, open-mindedness often involves having the patience to hear out the other person’s point of view before jumping to conclusions. After indulging yourself with this new information, it means allowing yourself to view it objectively without preconceived biases and see if it is logical and rational. It also sometimes means that you can agree to disagree. There are arguments out there that cannot necessarily be proven valid or invalid. Being open minded can involve having the ability to understand how another person may have a different viewpoint and accepting that it is different from yours. This does not mean you have to accept their viewpoint, but merely that you have to accept that not everyone experiences the world in the same way you do.

ABUNDANCE vs RARITY

Our emotions and behaviors stem partly from physiological factors and partly from our view of the world (perhaps obtained via the interaction of those physiological factors combined with experience). Although we can’t change our genetic repertoire, we can still impact our physiology with what we think due to the incredible plasticity of the brain.

Our view of the world is critical in our daily functioning and ‘frames’ everything that we do and feel. For example:

You BELIEVE that you are capable of achieving something great if you put in the right effort.

If you fail at a particular goal (not getting the job you wanted), how will you FRAME this event?

-outlook: Although I did not get this job, I have had enough successes to know that I am capable of achieving something great

-attribution of failure: Perhaps I failed because I did not put in enough effort or perhaps because there is a greater reality out there for me

What EMOTIONS and BEHAVIORS would result?

-initial sadness at rejection, but swift resilience due to the positive outlook

-implement a goal where more effort can be devoted

-assess whether previous goal was well aligned with future goals

As you can see, framing can be very powerful. The example above is one where a person operates from an ABUNDANCE MINDSET, one in which the possibilities are plentiful and the limitations are only those which you impose on yourself.

So in this sense, open mindedness can be a seen as a state of mind that not only applies to how you deal with information that is thrown at you in an argument, but also how you deal with the constant flow of information that entails daily life. Being open minded allows one to respond in a way that expands and not limits your world. When interacting with others, this fosters understanding and the ability to respond to a person without trying to control them or impose on their mental space.

The rule of thumb is to avoid both religion and politics on the very first date. First, I will go a little into why you should tread with caution and then, I will explain why there are instances why it is a necessary evil. Why avoid religion and politics? These topics don’t simply involve having an opinion, they often encompass a person’s entire world view.

For example, as written in a previous post (Aporia and the Liberal Mind), research has shown that liberals tend to be better than conservatives at accepting new information and adjusting their schemas accordingly. I would go as far as to say that this could translate into an overall less judgmental and more observant predisposition. Some people prefer this in a partner, while others say they want a person who sticks to their guns. To each his own, right?

Religion is another sticky topic. Some people are generally apathetic even if they say they follow a particular set of rules/beliefs, but even those can be offended. For example, even a person who hasn’t had time to think things through about their alleged viewpoint can be put off by extreme views and opinions. If you are the person with the extreme views and opinions, what are the chances a person you just met will change your entire world view with a cogent argument? Probably slim to none.

Sometimes it takes people constant exposure to a viewpoint or a major event in their life to allow for a different opinion on topics such as religion and politics.

However, there are times when this may be important to get out of the way. Personally, I am opinionated on both these topics and I have views that may be considered marginal by some. For this reason, I like to express these views from the outset. This way, if they are deal breakers, then we don’t have to continue wasting each other’s time. Also, it is a way for me to gage some qualities of the person: open mindedness, logic, the ability to understand abstract concepts, and the ability to listen reflectively.

So, here are some useful reasons to bring up politics:

a) If you are very passionate about your political views and it is a part of your life in a significant way – you will likely want your future partner to at least understand your perspective and perhaps even share it.

b)If you have very extreme and marginal views – even if politics is not a big part of your life you will want to know if your partner is open minded enough to accept your views and respect you for the difference in opinion (if there is some)

Here are some useful reasons to being up religion:

a) If you are considerably religious – not everyone will be comfortable with this and there are implications for lifestyle that a perspective partner should be aware of (food restrictions, rituals, etc). It is better to consider whether the difference is something both people are willing to live with than try to change people later on. Some people may think it isn’t a big deal for their partner to cut out pork from their diet, but expecting someone to change to fit your belief system is, in fact, a very big deal in principle.

b) If you are an atheist – for some people the belief in God or a higher being is central to their entire concept of the world. It is a way for them to make sense and order of the universe, it gives them hope, and it fills in the gaps of uncertainty to some extent. Most people are very uncomfortable with uncertainty and they may have a hard time understanding the atheist mentality. This will also be culturally sensitive; Americans are largely theist whereas countries like Japan are mostly atheist (if you count Buddhism as an atheist belief).

DO NOT discuss religion or politics if you are:

a) Hoping to convince the other person of your perspective

b) Not willing to listen to the reasons for their beliefs and at least try to understand

c) Not interested in these topics whatsoever. If the other person is still pushing the subject, that means it is important to them and you should consider whether this is something you can handle in a relationship.

d) If it is clear the other person is much better versed in politics. As far as religion is concerned, I don’t think you need to be well versed in anything to have a viewpoint, but you should understand the major tenants of other viewpoints if you are planning to criticize them at all. It helps to have good logic for both.

If none of these exceptions apply to you, the first date should be used to establish a physical comfort and the conversation should be light, stimulating, and playful. Religious and political debates often turn heated and sometimes do not bring out the best qualities in people; more importantly they may prevent physical contact on a first date.

WHAT IS IT

It is an attitude by which to engage in high quality relationships where the two individuals freely enter a social agreement in which they choose to promote the physical and mental well being of the other. If both individuals choose to participate in a relationship of their own free will they are, in a sense, making a tacit social contract. They have weighed the costs against the benefits and they are willing to live with the consequences of that choice.

WHAT OF FIDELITY

However, this only works if both people obey the terms of the contract. For instance, if I agree to enter a monogamous relationship and my partner cheats – this is not libertarian love. Even though both people in this instance are free to do as they please (cheat if you want, leave if you want), this is not a form of libertarian love since the cheater has entered into a contract whereby they have agreed to disengage from extra-pair affairs of their own free will. It is also not libertarian love if I never find out about my partner’s affair. If I enter into a social contract with a partner, based on some perception which he has presented to me, then I am being cheated out of my opportunity to make the right choice for myself when that image is an illusion. This is an indirect way of hindering someone’s liberty – by way of misinformation and deception (a.k.a. FRAUD).

HOW WOULD A LIBERTARIAN LOVE RELATIONSHIP END

In Libertarian love both individuals promote the well being of the other and allow them to develop in ways that they wish. Preferably, the goals of both idividuals are not in conflict. A libertarian love relationship would end if the goals of each person are in conflict to a degree that either is not willing to compromise in order to reduce the conflict of interest. In this sense, the love itself would not end since it was not given based on any expected return, but the relationship would dissolve.

“Windmill windmill for the land Turn forever hand in hand Take it all there on your stride It is TICKIN’, fallin’ down Love forever love is free Let’s turn forever you and me Windmill windmill for the land Is everybody In?”-Gorillaz, “Feel Good, Inc”