In fact, providing the female with meat when she wasn’t even ovulating increased the male’s chimp of having sex with her when she was, thus increasing his chances of impregnating the female. In other words, while the shisty monkeys were smirking at the ‘baller’ chimps as they squandered away their hard earned meat to the ungrateful females, the strategic baller knew that he’d get the last laugh with his generosity when it was estrus time. The results of this quite intuitive observation were recently published in the PLoS One journal.

Generosity in human males can be used to display resources and thus can be an indication for females of the relative status of the male. In addition, the male’s ability to share these resources with the female is predictive that he will be a good caretaker of her and her offspring.

Some of these are downright deal breakers for some females, whereas others just make a bad impression. Here it goes;

DON’T ask a girl to come meet you in your neighborhood or half way.

DON’T fumble with the check or let her pay half.

DON’T talk about yourself the whole time.

DON’T try to go for the kiss unless it is painfully clear the girl is feeling you.

DON’T let the girl take public transportation at night.

DON’T engage in dirty talking until you’ve at least made out first.

That’s all for today folks. Stay tuned for more in this never ending series.

Dear Love Lab,

What are some of the things that can indicate that a man is only pursuing you sexually, or actually might want something more serious or long-term? And what do you think are the factors that would influence his motives?

- Curious

LOVELAB SAYS

Dear Curious,

Keep in mind that the two are not mutually exclusive; a guy who really likes you might still be initially trying to consummate the physical aspect of your relationship. His pushiness with this could be an indication that he is trying to ensure:
a) you are not using him for whatever material benefits you are receiving through the courtship
b) you are not trying to place him in the ‘friend’ category
c) you have a good sexual chemistry

So if he is seemingly aggressive about sealing the deal, look at the whole picture to see if there are relationship-seeking signs displayed at the same time.

SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS SEX

-he is inconsistent with contacting you; days, or even weeks or months go by before you hear from him
-he only calls you to hang out at night
-he is limiting his material and time investment in the relationship
-he doesn’t seem to want to get to know you
-he forgets relevant things about you that you’ve mentioned several times
-the relationship is not progressing in intimacy after you have spent a lot of time together
-he doesn’t go out of his way for you

SIGNS HE IS SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP

-he is taking initiative in planning activities together, particularly those that involve a lot of one-on-one time
-he seems to admire you as a person
-he considers your opinion when making future-oriented decisions
-he prioritizes you
-he wants you to be included in his life and vice versa
-he introduces you to important people in his life
-he opens up to you about his feelings

As far as factors influencing his motives, that is too involved to address in one post. Please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com to inquire into package prices or continue asking more specific questions by emailing me at askme@lovelabonline.com.

Lovelab,

Can you explain how to make a man want to take care of you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Karen,

I think there are several factors to consider.

First, a man’s capacity to care for someone varies on an individual basis. Some men are mature enough to express their care with appropriate behaviors; some men are simply more capable of care in and of itself due to higher empathy (see my post on THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). It may be easier for them to care for all people, not just the ones they love.

As for or the regular Joe, I think a man needs to feel he wants to invest in you (or has already invested in you) in order for him to elicit caring behaviors. For example, if he is sexually pursuing you or if you are married and you are the mother of his children. In both instances, caring for you would be protecting his own investment (especially in the latter case).

However, aside from that, there are certain females that are extremely good at eliciting the caring response. Think Marylin Monroe; both men and women felt a parental warmth towards her. According to Konrad Lorenz’s theory, childlike characteristics produce an instinctual protective response in people. Thus emphasizing various child like characteristics can enhance your ability to elicit the caring response from men. Below are some examples.

Physical Traits in women that denote a childlike innocence:

Full and well defined lips (natural reddish color)

Rosy cheeks

Firm and elastic skin that glows (although some freckles can denote youth, as well)

Large eyes

Rounded cheeks

Long eyelashes

Blond curls

This picture of a young Marylin Monroe is a perfect example of a face with child like features. She has the full reddish lips, the glowing skin, the blond curles, and the rounded cheeks.

Also notice her playful expression. Marylin Monroe was practically an expert at exuding a childlike charm. This was grounded in more than her looks.

Expressions and personality can play a role, as well. Just think of how a child acts…taking the best qualities of course.

Some of these personality features can include:

naivete and innocence

frankness and honesty

curiosity

enthusiasm about life

energy

showing admiration and being in awe (a child is more likely to be exposed to novelty)

These personality traits can be expressed through facial mannerisms:

a pout

genuine smiles and laughter

a sweet and childlike voice

From Wiki:

“The Ingénue (pronounced /?æn??nu?/) is a stock character in literature, film, and a role type in the theatre; generally a girl or a young woman who is endearingly innocent and wholesome.

Typically, the ingenue is beautiful, gentle, sweet, virginal, and often naïve, in mental or emotional danger, or even physical danger, usually a target of The Cad; whom she may have mistaken for The Hero.”

Below are females who have have benefited from their childlike sexuality (Marylin Monroe, Briggitte Bardot, Britney Spears, Kate Hudson:

monroe

briggitte bardot

britney spears

kate hudson

The modern alpha male is a perfect example of how our social and biological selves are runners on the evolutionary track.  Biology, weighed down by the process of natural selection and genetic mutations, is lagging behind the sprinting Social.  We are biologically drawn to them, but they often make non optimal partners.

Current research points to the negative qualities of high testosterone men as romantic partners, husbands, and fathers.

Why would women want that?  Social ramifications aside, high testosterone usually means great sperm.

The visual markers of an alpha male are the physiological traits that scream high testosterone to the opposite sex.  We have also been biologically conditioned to find many of  these qualities physically or sexually attractive

Cheekbones and a defined Jaw Line

broad shoulders

heavy muscles in the arms and legs

capacity to store fat around the stomach area – (not attractive in itself, but women may prefer that to a guy with big hips)

deep voice

ring finger outstretches their index finger (greater exposure to testosterone while in the womb)

Societal Markers of an alpha male are the culturally derirable consequences of high testosterone males:

Women have been socially conditioned to find these qualities important, since they signify a man’s ability to provide and support during the vulnerable stage of pregnacy and raising a dependent young.

Power,

Wealth,

Status

The Catch-22, however, is that the men who have been able to acquire the power, wealth, and status due to the interplay of their physiology (high testosterone) and socioeconomic factors (education, good upbringing) are also the ones who seem to be more likely to display less commitement to use these resources for a long term partnership and parental investment.  Or at least so it seems…

references:

(Testosterone and Men’s Marriages Alan Booth, James M. Dabbs, Jr. Social Forces, Vol. 72, No. 2 (Dec., 1993), pp. 463-477)

Below are some examples of real modern day alpha males:

Former President Bill Clinton

Actor, George Clooney

Hugh Hefner, the ultimate Playboy

Humans are not a pack of wolves and so our social hierarchy is not quite as distinct as alpha, beta, omega. There are certainly degrees of where men fall on the hierarchy scale and what determines who is in charge. In the past, during the hunter and gatherer days, this may have been determined by physical strength. In our modern world, power is often determined by socioeconomic status. In this sense, it is not enough to be aggressive and physically superior, one must posses a certain level of intelligence/education to persevere. However, men’s status still seems to be very much affected by Testosterone levels. So it seems, the modern alpha male needs to have a combination of these factors to be considered as such.

Inherent Qualities of an ALPHA MALE

Nature

high testosterone levels- linked to competitiveness and dominance in men; the need to influence and control; aggressive tendencies; the ability to dominate social situations

Nurture

Education and Socioeconomic status: this will determine what the outlet will be for the high testosterone. High testosterone males tend to hold dominant social positions in prisons and mental institutions, but culture can make the difference between them leading a gang or an organization.

perseverance coupled with a me first attitude – An alpha male will not shy away from dangerous conflict, but only because he believes he can win. If the win is not possible, the alpha male is first and foremost a survivor. He does not indulge in self sacrifice or martyrdom. The ultimate goal is to dominate, as well as pass on his genes.

Below are fictional alpha males from my favorite shows, past and present. They are characterized by their professional success, social dominance, pragmatic intelligence, and aversion to monogamy.

The protagonist Don Draper (played by John Hamm), in the AMC series MAD MEN set in early 1960’s New York City, is a brilliant ad man who commands respect from men and maintains affairs in spite of his picture perfect family life.

Bill Henrickson (played buy Bill Paxton), in HBO’s BIG LOVE, is a Mormon polygamist who juggles three wifes, seven children, a home improvement store, creepy in-laws, and a gambling business.

Brian Kinney (played by Gale Harold) on Queer as Folk is the epitome of sex appeal for men and women alike on this Showtime series. He is another brilliant ad executive; Brian is confident, promiscuous, and a self made millionaire.

references for articles detailing the links between testosterone and behavior:

(http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0CE2DF1438F934A25754C0A966958260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=print)

(http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9C0CE2DF1438F934A25754C0A966958260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=print)

But how can that be? How can the same feeling that brought you together against all odds fail to sustain your union? Why do we no longer feel compelled to make the same compromises or sacrifices?

Is it a change of heart or a change of goals?

Many people see love as a FEELING. I agree that love is an amalgamation of many feelings, and it certainly incites particularly strong ones when it is threatened. However, the concept of LOVE is a motivational construct. This is not a novel idea. It was proposed by Helen Fisher (an anthropologist at Rutgers University) and scientific research of the brain has shown that several brain areas are active when we experience love. Some of these brain areas are responsible for GOAL ORIENTED behavior. I certainly prescribe to this description.

Even as long ago as the 1950’s, Eric Fromm (a German humanistic philosopher/psychologist) stated that love is an “act of will” in his book The Art of Loving. Fromm posited that it is this active commitment that makes the marriage of two individuals continue in liu of diminished passion or changing circumstances. Of course, not everyone honors their commitments. Certainly, in our modern world where most people are programmed with what Fromm describes as the “Marketing Orientation” – or the mentality that focuses on packaging, advertising, and selling yourself – we are prone to view love as a TRANSACTION and marriage as a contract like any other, one which can be voided if violated.

Perhaps many would argue that we cannot control when and whom we love, but the act of love need not be an act of will of which we are aware. When I speak of changing goals in the dissolution of a relationship I am referring to both conscious and subconscious desires and motivations. I think women in particular are constantly evaluating their mates to decide whether they will become sufficient and stable providers for their offspring (commitment, ambition, perseverance, intelligence, loyalty) and will increase the quality of the woman’s lifestyle and those of her children (status, power, wealth, resources). Men, on the other hand, are programmed to evaluate the fertility of a woman and her ability to give birth to healthy children that will carry on the man’s genes and resources (youth and physical attractiveness). These are, of course, only the most basic points of value for both men and women.

Depending on the individuals’ background and upbringing, other factors may drive the ultimate decision to stay or leave a partner. Some men will also evaluate whether the woman will be an emotional pillar in times of stress (understanding and emotionally stable); it may be important the woman can cook and clean and be a nurturer in times of physical need such as ailment…basically the traditional notions of a good mother and wife. Women may look for a man who has a sense of humor (often associated with intelligence and perceptiveness), someone who is honest and responsive, considerate, thoughtful, sensitive, social, and other qualities which will help create the embodiment of what that woman may consider to be a good lifestyle.

I believe the basic points of value are important in the initial attraction and passion that results when two people fall in love. Throughout the relationship, both men and women are evaluating their partner (whether they know it or not) and deciding whether they will result in the satisfaction of their long term goals and desires; they are also constantly re-evaluating their current levels of satisfaction based on these assessments.

This theory certainly worked against me a couple of times when my lack of affinity for cooking and cleaning rendered me a less valuable future partner. Something most of my partners disregarded in the beginning (I made no attempt to hide it) became relevant only as time went by and my partners began to evaluate what I can bring into the relationship. This is very in line with the modernist social contract. The “what have you done for ME lately” that Eddie Murphy joked about in his stand up.

So when a person says that they “love you but are not happy in the relationship”, it may seem confusing. If love is a feeling then how can someone feel love (a good thing) and unhappiness (a bad thing) at the same time? This contradiction can be resolved if we view love in terms of goal oriented behavior, one that has many different feelings at different times and is accompanied by different behaviors. It is the goal of wanting a particular woman to bear a man’s child that may drive a man to want to marry her and ensure that they will raise these children together. It is the realization that a particular man may not be a persevering enough in the little things that may make a woman feel that he may not be persevering enough in the big things which can make a woman decide that this man is not for her.

In conclusion, it is not the change of the feeling that makes us want to end the union, but the change of goals for that particular union.