THE LOVE LAB

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute recently discovered that male chimps who are generous with the meat they acquire tend to mate twice as much with the females that they bestow these gifts upon. Christina Gomez and her colleagues didn’t see this exchange at first because they assumed that the exchange would be immediate, but the fruits of the male chimp’s labor came to be realized at other points of the female’s cycle.

In fact, providing the female with meat when she wasn’t even ovulating increased the male’s chimp of having sex with her when she was, thus increasing his chances of impregnating the female. In other words, while the shisty monkeys were smirking at the ‘baller’ chimps as they squandered away their hard earned meat to the ungrateful females, the strategic baller knew that he’d get the last laugh with his generosity when it was estrus time. The results of this quite intuitive observation were recently published in the PLoS One journal.

Generosity in human males can be used to display resources and thus can be an indication for females of the relative status of the male. In addition, the male’s ability to share these resources with the female is predictive that he will be a good caretaker of her and her offspring.

[Quote: "It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." - Aristotle, Greek philosopher]

I have mentioned from time to time that open-mindedness is a trait that I value very highly. I wanted to elaborate on the meaning of open-mindedness and how being open-minded can increase the quality of your interactions with others. In particular, I want to show how this trait impacts romantic relationships.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE OPEN-MINDED

Simply put, open-mindedness is the willingness to entertain an idea or thought, regardless of whether you will eventually decide to accept it. Ideally, this means that you will accept new information without bias and subject it to critical analysis. If it proves to be reasonable, it will then follow that you will be willing to integrate it into your schema of the world.

PRACTICING OPEN-MINDEDNESS

In practice, open-mindedness often involves having the patience to hear out the other person’s point of view before jumping to conclusions. After indulging yourself with this new information, it means allowing yourself to view it objectively without preconceived biases and see if it is logical and rational. It also sometimes means that you can agree to disagree. There are arguments out there that cannot necessarily be proven valid or invalid. Being open minded can involve having the ability to understand how another person may have a different viewpoint and accepting that it is different from yours. This does not mean you have to accept their viewpoint, but merely that you have to accept that not everyone experiences the world in the same way you do.

ABUNDANCE vs RARITY

Our emotions and behaviors stem partly from physiological factors and partly from our view of the world (perhaps obtained via the interaction of those physiological factors combined with experience). Although we can’t change our genetic repertoire, we can still impact our physiology with what we think due to the incredible plasticity of the brain.

Our view of the world is critical in our daily functioning and ‘frames’ everything that we do and feel. For example:

You BELIEVE that you are capable of achieving something great if you put in the right effort.

If you fail at a particular goal (not getting the job you wanted), how will you FRAME this event?

-outlook: Although I did not get this job, I have had enough successes to know that I am capable of achieving something great

-attribution of failure: Perhaps I failed because I did not put in enough effort or perhaps because there is a greater reality out there for me

What EMOTIONS and BEHAVIORS would result?

-initial sadness at rejection, but swift resilience due to the positive outlook

-implement a goal where more effort can be devoted

-assess whether previous goal was well aligned with future goals

As you can see, framing can be very powerful. The example above is one where a person operates from an ABUNDANCE MINDSET, one in which the possibilities are plentiful and the limitations are only those which you impose on yourself.

So in this sense, open mindedness can be a seen as a state of mind that not only applies to how you deal with information that is thrown at you in an argument, but also how you deal with the constant flow of information that entails daily life. Being open minded allows one to respond in a way that expands and not limits your world. When interacting with others, this fosters understanding and the ability to respond to a person without trying to control them or impose on their mental space.

The rule of thumb is to avoid both religion and politics on the very first date. First, I will go a little into why you should tread with caution and then, I will explain why there are instances why it is a necessary evil. Why avoid religion and politics? These topics don’t simply involve having an opinion, they often encompass a person’s entire world view.

For example, as written in a previous post (Aporia and the Liberal Mind), research has shown that liberals tend to be better than conservatives at accepting new information and adjusting their schemas accordingly. I would go as far as to say that this could translate into an overall less judgmental and more observant predisposition. Some people prefer this in a partner, while others say they want a person who sticks to their guns. To each his own, right?

Religion is another sticky topic. Some people are generally apathetic even if they say they follow a particular set of rules/beliefs, but even those can be offended. For example, even a person who hasn’t had time to think things through about their alleged viewpoint can be put off by extreme views and opinions. If you are the person with the extreme views and opinions, what are the chances a person you just met will change your entire world view with a cogent argument? Probably slim to none.

Sometimes it takes people constant exposure to a viewpoint or a major event in their life to allow for a different opinion on topics such as religion and politics.

However, there are times when this may be important to get out of the way. Personally, I am opinionated on both these topics and I have views that may be considered marginal by some. For this reason, I like to express these views from the outset. This way, if they are deal breakers, then we don’t have to continue wasting each other’s time. Also, it is a way for me to gage some qualities of the person: open mindedness, logic, the ability to understand abstract concepts, and the ability to listen reflectively.

So, here are some useful reasons to bring up politics:

a) If you are very passionate about your political views and it is a part of your life in a significant way – you will likely want your future partner to at least understand your perspective and perhaps even share it.

b)If you have very extreme and marginal views – even if politics is not a big part of your life you will want to know if your partner is open minded enough to accept your views and respect you for the difference in opinion (if there is some)

Here are some useful reasons to being up religion:

a) If you are considerably religious – not everyone will be comfortable with this and there are implications for lifestyle that a perspective partner should be aware of (food restrictions, rituals, etc). It is better to consider whether the difference is something both people are willing to live with than try to change people later on. Some people may think it isn’t a big deal for their partner to cut out pork from their diet, but expecting someone to change to fit your belief system is, in fact, a very big deal in principle.

b) If you are an atheist – for some people the belief in God or a higher being is central to their entire concept of the world. It is a way for them to make sense and order of the universe, it gives them hope, and it fills in the gaps of uncertainty to some extent. Most people are very uncomfortable with uncertainty and they may have a hard time understanding the atheist mentality. This will also be culturally sensitive; Americans are largely theist whereas countries like Japan are mostly atheist (if you count Buddhism as an atheist belief).

DO NOT discuss religion or politics if you are:

a) Hoping to convince the other person of your perspective

b) Not willing to listen to the reasons for their beliefs and at least try to understand

c) Not interested in these topics whatsoever. If the other person is still pushing the subject, that means it is important to them and you should consider whether this is something you can handle in a relationship.

d) If it is clear the other person is much better versed in politics. As far as religion is concerned, I don’t think you need to be well versed in anything to have a viewpoint, but you should understand the major tenants of other viewpoints if you are planning to criticize them at all. It helps to have good logic for both.

If none of these exceptions apply to you, the first date should be used to establish a physical comfort and the conversation should be light, stimulating, and playful. Religious and political debates often turn heated and sometimes do not bring out the best qualities in people; more importantly they may prevent physical contact on a first date.

Although this is a dynamic subject, as I am constantly discovering new faux pas that can come from the other end, I decided to post some general no no’s.

Some of these are downright deal breakers for some females, whereas others just make a bad impression. Here it goes;

DON’T ask a girl to come meet you in your neighborhood or half way.

DON’T fumble with the check or let her pay half.

DON’T talk about yourself the whole time.

DON’T try to go for the kiss unless it is painfully clear the girl is feeling you.

DON’T let the girl take public transportation at night.

DON’T engage in dirty talking until you’ve at least made out first.

That’s all for today folks. Stay tuned for more in this never ending series.