THE LOVE LAB

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Love Actualizing

Based on your description of a sociopath, it seems I fit the bill: I look for relationships mostly to address emotional lusting, once I ‘get’ what it is I’m looking for my relationship drive dives, and I find myself impeccably picky in the traits I find favorable in a companion.

Shyness is another tendency that I exhibit, especially when I respect a woman and am physically attracted. My integrity is pretty unscandalable, however, and I have a high self worth or at least delusional fancies of high self worth.

The question I seek answered is: short of successful hypnosis, what steps can I take to be more caring, understanding, and emphatic in romantic relationships?

I suspect that my shyness would shy away if I had the realization that my relationships were less selfishly oriented.

Happy Birthday!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear cyber.hippy.gypsy.guy,

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Good news: I am no psychiatrist so don’t rely on my diagnosis, but it does not seem to me from your description (although limited) that you fit the criteria of a sociopath.

Sociopaths tend to be confident and fearless. In fact, they don’t exhibit fear in performing antisocial acts before doing them and they don’t exhibit guilt after doing them. If you describe yourself as shy, particularly around women who intimidate you, I will guess that you are at least somewhat conscious of what they may be thinking of you. If you are, that means that you are taking the time to consider someone’s thoughts and emotions, something psychopaths are not prone to do. You also mention in the end of your email that your shyness may even be attributed to what you think you may have to offer in a relationship, which is also an ‘other oriented’ consideration.

It seems to me you are concerned about your selfish approach to relationships and you are looking to change that. Psychopaths may know that they are different from others, but from what I know of them, they are not big on allowing others to criticize them or take much time to self reflect on the consequences of their behavior. They are consistent in their lack of concern for others and may even feel empowered by their lack of empathy. It allows them to navigate emotional obstacles intellectually, as well as to manipulate people effortlessly.

 

Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in 'American Psycho'

Is it possible you have not been with women you truly respect and connect with? You did mention that you are intimidated by the women you admire, so may be the ones that you get your emotional kicks from fall beneath what you are truly looking for. It also seems that you are not completely comfortable with your self esteem; I say that because you are struggling with shyness, as well as due to the seemingly unhealthy emotional feedback you are constantly seeking. I see that as a form of validation which tends to occur with egos that have not been entirely solidified.

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There are certain factors that render a man ready to settle down and I describe them below. However, I think on an average, these developments are accomplished between the ages of 27-34 in men. In stimulating cities like New York and LA, it is more difficult for a man to achieve the following developments because of the maximizing attitude of both men and women due to the plethora of choices in romantic partners, activities, and career opportunities. They will probably be on the higher end of this range or perhaps above it.

Nonetheless, a man is generally ready to settle down when:

HE KNOWS HIS SELF WORTH

A man is ready to settle down when he no longer feels the need to validate himself through female affirmation.

It is a clear indication that a man settled prematurely when he still needs to pad his ego by by seeking sexual reciprocation from other women.

In some men, this is manifested through the ‘peter pan syndrome’. You know the ones I’m talking about: the men in their 30’s and 40’s who feel like they are missing out if they don’t visit the new hot spot, dye their hair, sport the flashy car, and constantly surround themselves with people and atmospheres that make them feel younger (particularly younger women). These men have been dating for so long that this bachelor lifestyle has become a sort of routine and they somehow lost track of what was the point of it in the first place. Some of them eventually start a family and not always because they are truly ready to settle down, but because starting a family was on the agenda. They still crave that same lifestyle and may continue to pursue women in various ways. These men are not ideal partners because they still require validation.

Some men can achieve this stage very early on because they have healthy egos, pursue activities they are passionate about that build their self esteem, and have had the necessary life experiences to facilitate such development; some may never achieve this or achieve it when it is not optimal for them to settle down. Men are a lot more lax about their age since they don’t feel the impending doom of the biological clock until much later. Unfortunately, for those who do plan on eventually having a family, there is a cost to this because male sperm loses quality after 35 years of age similarly to the way female fertility diminishes. Although they may still be able to impregnate, the risks for genetic disorders in offspring increases and many of these diseases (such as schizophrenia) will not rear their ugly ahead until the children reach a certain age.

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WHAT IS IT

It is an attitude by which to engage in high quality relationships where the two individuals freely enter a social agreement in which they choose to promote the physical and mental well being of the other. If both individuals choose to participate in a relationship of their own free will they are, in a sense, making a tacit social contract. They have weighed the costs against the benefits and they are willing to live with the consequences of that choice.

WHAT OF FIDELITY

However, this only works if both people obey the terms of the contract. For instance, if I agree to enter a monogamous relationship and my partner cheats – this is not libertarian love. Even though both people in this instance are free to do as they please (cheat if you want, leave if you want), this is not a form of libertarian love since the cheater has entered into a contract whereby they have agreed to disengage from extra-pair affairs of their own free will. It is also not libertarian love if I never find out about my partner’s affair. If I enter into a social contract with a partner, based on some perception which he has presented to me, then I am being cheated out of my opportunity to make the right choice for myself when that image is an illusion. This is an indirect way of hindering someone’s liberty – by way of misinformation and deception (a.k.a. FRAUD).

HOW WOULD A LIBERTARIAN LOVE RELATIONSHIP END

In Libertarian love both individuals promote the well being of the other and allow them to develop in ways that they wish. Preferably, the goals of both idividuals are not in conflict. A libertarian love relationship would end if the goals of each person are in conflict to a degree that either is not willing to compromise in order to reduce the conflict of interest. In this sense, the love itself would not end since it was not given based on any expected return, but the relationship would dissolve.

“Windmill windmill for the land Turn forever hand in hand Take it all there on your stride It is TICKIN’, fallin’ down Love forever love is free Let’s turn forever you and me Windmill windmill for the land Is everybody In?”-Gorillaz, “Feel Good, Inc”

MARRIAGE, like LOVE, is just something that has evolved in order to keep two people together long enough to raise dependent young. Whereas the latter is the product of biological evolution – the former is the product of a cultural one. Incidentally, marriage may have evolved to buffer against the inadequacy of Love in fulfilling this very important role.

Surely, if passionate Love lasted for the time required to raise a dependent young we would not need a legal contract to secure a commitment. Women would be left assured that they would be supported during the vulnerable time of pregnancy and that their children would have the resources to grow up to be independent adults. Men would be left assured that their genes would be passed on without the risk of a reallocation of resources due to infidelity. Of course, women would have this assurance, as well, since infidelity can potentially lead to the allocation of the man’s resources to another woman’s child. I am working on the assumption here that if people are in love they do not cheat. This is not always the case since there are people out there who cheat even if they are in love (some may disagree with me on this). However, marriage will surely not mitigate that risk for those particular individuals so that may be a moot point.

In most people, passionate love lasts a year on an average and begins to decline thereafter. Moreover, the biggest declines are experienced 18 months after the birth of the first child and the honeymoon levels return only after the children have left the nest (if the couple is still together!). Half the couples do not survive through this stage, although it should be pointed out that the maturity of the woman at time of marriage may somehow mitigate this risk (risk declines for college educated women over 23 years of age). This could be due to their better discriminating abilities in choosing the appropriate partner. There are always the 10-15% of that marriage statistic who are an anomaly and do not suffer from this decline. Their marriage satisfaction remains the same or even increases. Nevertheless, for most people passionate love does not last long enough to make it through the particularly vulnerable periods and marriage takes over. Most divorces occur about 7-10 years after the marriage, which is also around the time when the child enters into some sort of school system and thus the woman’s ability to support herself increases. In this sense, although it is not an optimum situation, the marriage has served its purpose.

Marriage is mostly a financially/legally driven institution, since it ensures the protection of the female against a dead-beat dad. No matter how independent and career oriented the woman is before the marriage, there will be a time when she is pregnant and will rely on some sort of support from her partner (emotional, physical, and financial). This period also sets women back in careers where one needs to maintain momentum: a legal career where one may be on a partner track, academic careers where constant publications are important, and careers in medicine where there is a considerable physical and mental strain involved in the necessary steps needed to proceed with the career path. Usually, if the women is to have her first child before the age of 35 (which is physically preferred for both woman and child), then this financial set back will happen at just the most importune time where particularly ambitious careers are concerned (ones in which graduate and post graduate commitment is usually required).

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