THE LOVE LAB

SUBJECT: Single and ready to mingle

Hi LL:

I am a 30 year old newly single lady.  I have a strong attraction for a younger man.  23 years old to be exact.  He is devastatingly gorgeous yet humble and doesn’t even know it.  He is clearly not on my level in terms of life but I am a hopeless romantic who believes in taking chances.  I have been burnt before trusting my heart to a young, inexperienced, immature, not ready to settle down man before.  The outcome was never good.  Is he different?  We definitely have made a few casual connections and flirting is taking place.  I have asked a guy friend to feel out the situation being that he knows us both.  This is a work related situation.  I completely light up when i see him and think it might be worth a date.  I am pretty sure he would be down and really want to see what he’s all about.  Am I wasting my time?  He is 23!  I want a husband and I’m sure he isn’t ready for a wife yet.  I could be wrong.  Your thoughts?

SUBJECT: out of synch’

My boyfriend of 7 bumpy years is now 28 and I am 31, I am more than ready for planning children and as much as he tells me he wants them, he is scared to talk about it. He says bottom line he is not ready now and doesn’t know when he will be, I respect that, however it has now been 3 years since I expressed my longing and I feel that maybe I am wasting my time. He wants us to move to somewhere where he can get a dog….am I holding on to something that may not materialize for say three more years?? Possibly, do I cut my losses now or risk in his words becoming more ‘obsessed about having kids’?????

Pixel asks LoveLab

SUBJECT: e-affair

BODY: I’ve been with the same man for 2 years now. I’m very in love with him and have been since we were 13.  We are grown now at 36 years of age.  About a year ago shortly after we had to maintain a long distance relationship, I had found on-line dating accounts that he had maintained while we were apart. When I confronted him, his reply was it was his way of dealing with our distance. And claims he never met with any of the women.  I believed him, I explained that this what not ok, however, and that it was not something that I would allow to be a part of my life. He agreed.  Well 4 months later while we were having problems due to him being home sick, I again found accounts.  These were even worse, sex sites.  Again, I confronted him.  He told me that he was not ready to be in a relationship and that again this was his way of dealing with it.  A week later and a lot of silence, he told me he was letting all of this go.  That it was not about me, and that he would not do this again.  Thing is, this time i really do believe him.  My biggest problem is that i feel the need to talk about it further, but he is quick to tell me…”let it go, i have”.  The last time I tried bringing it up, he got physically ill and had to excuse himself to be sick.  How do I approach him, without making him feel he has to defend himself or make him ill?  I just want to connect and communicate with him…:(

LoveLab says:

What to do now

So, I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, and told him that I didn’t want to get intimate unless we were in a committed relationship. We have great chemistry, and seem to click really well, so he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I agreed. Now since then, we’ve had sex but I feel awkward. How do I know if he really meant all the things he’s said to me? I’ve been hurt before and dumped after sex so I know I can jump the gun, but I really like this guy and want to know how I can tell, now that we’ve had sex.

LOVE LAB says:

Dear N,

You did the right thing by setting the parameters under which you would agree to be intimate. You have every right to state your boundaries, especially when it comes to your own body.

Now you have to ask yourself…do YOU feel awkward because of your own hurt and insecurity (perhaps negativity that you’ve collected from your past relationships) or IS it awkward between the two of you now that he has verbally committed? If there is no tangible reason that you feel this way and he is acting the same, consider the possibility that may be you are not used to having a guy reciprocate due to your past. If this is the case, try not to convey this insecurity and negativity to your boyfriend since this is not something he has caused and it is not fair for him to deal with it. It may bring heaviness to a relationship that may actually be having a very healthy start.

On the other hand, if you see some sort of negative difference in his behavior or suspect foul play (due to actual things that you have seen) then you have to ask yourself if your new boyfriend is a trustworthy individual. Sometimes this can take some time to figure out, but sometimes there are signs earlier on if you do not ignore them. Keep vigilant about his character, but do so in a positive and rational way.

Remember, you cannot force someone to have feelings for you and you cannot force someone to BE committed in their minds. However, if that person CHOSE to be committed to you (at least at face value) by agreeing to be your boyfriend then it is HIS fault that he has committed to something for the wrong reasons or that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Sure, there are those guys out there and it is unfortunate that people are not more empathic. However, this is not something YOU should stress about as you have not done anything wrong. Your job to figure out is whether this is a good person and someone you want to be with. If he has not given you signs of otherwise, then enjoy the relationship and be confident that the truth reveals itself if you are open to it. But also be open to the truth that he might also be a great guy that likes you and that you deserve that.

If you are curious about actual signs of interest, check out my post on “SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX” as a quick reference. Keep in mind when you read that post that certain people take longer than others to become vulnerable; guys in particular tend to build longer bridges. However, if a guy takes you seriously and is really into you he will generally want to get closer. If he has already committed to an exclusive relationship then you can look out for ways in which he is trying to include you in his life or vice versa. If this has not happened yet, though, be patient and do not force it. If you have further questions regarding anything in this response, please feel free to send more q’s to askme@lovelabonline.com.

What is it about being available that is so unappealing?  Yeah, we all know we want what we cannot have but why can’t it simply be, hey I like you and you like me, let’s hang out. Why does it almost always have to be games?

When it comes to relationships and friends I’m always available, always responsive, and almost always there if I’m invited somewhere.  I’m not desperate or anything, I’m just that way. To this day, the only relationships I’ve ever really had work were the ones where I never had to play games. So some questions:

1) should the lesson be that I should not pursue a girl that doesn’t just reciprocate equaly? (like we boys might do the picking up but is  it ultimately their decision)?

2) Is playing the game worth it? Like even if I get her to go on a date am I ultimately just wasting my time?

3) Does it just boil down to they like you or they don’t…not a matter of how you play the game at all?

4) Once I’ve pursued a girl that once showed interest but no longer seems to be is there ever something that can really regain their interest again?

5) Is there maybe some kind of level of distrust about someone that is so available?

6) If the girl is the one reaching out, how does one excercise caution and not suddenly become too available?

7) Most importantly, is there a single good rule to live by for this?

Thanks!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Danny,

Being available is actually a very appealing quality…once you are already in a relationship. It is also an appealing quality during courtship when someone is seeking you out. It let’s the woman know that you are reliable. Being available when needed and MAKING yourself available and at someone’s disposal are different things. If you are responsive and consistent you are sending the message that you are a serious candidate. To answer your questions in brief:

1) It is ultimately the woman’s choice and she will know very quickly whether you are a prospective mate. Your job is to figure out whether she is really interested or is leading you on to have someone pursue her. The best test is to see how she responds to you physically. A girl will allow a mental connection and even spend lots of time with a guy she has a limited interest in, but she is less likely to give herself away physically unless she wants to be with you. Sure there are purely physical relationships, but there shouldn’t be confusion when you find yourself in one of those.

2) You are not wasting your time, because if she agreed to go on a date chances are you appealed to her in some way. This would be your chance to charm her.

3) It boils down whether they are attracted to you or not. Generally this will be known within the first three dates, but some girls will know by the first date. If a girl isn’t being very responsive after the first or second date you can either pursue full force and see if it changes anything or just give up and move on. Some girls will respond to men who are very persistent even if they are unsure about them at first.

4) It depends to why she lost the interest…If it’s because something showed her you are not a good long term partner and she cannot take you seriously, then you would have to somehow change her perception of that for her to consider you again. If she is no longer physically attracted to you then it may be a lost cause.

5) I don’t think there is a level of distrust about availability, but perhaps people will not respect your time as much if they think you are so generous with it. You can think of it in terms of supply and demand; the value of something goes up when it is in higher demand.

6) If the girl is reaching out and you like her and take her seriously, you should be responsive and be available when she wants you there. If you want to be cautious, then you can pace when reciprocating the planning. Just stay in tune with what she is conveying by her actions.

7) Pacing and empathy. Try to stay on the same page and be aware of the other person’s feelings whether they are in your favor or not. It is in your best interest to understand the needs of the other person, even if they do not coincide with your own. This will save you time in the end.

For specific examples, please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com.