Hi LL:

I am a 30 year old newly single lady.  I have a strong attraction for a younger man.  23 years old to be exact.  He is devastatingly gorgeous yet humble and doesn’t even know it.  He is clearly not on my level in terms of life but I am a hopeless romantic who believes in taking chances.  I have been burnt before trusting my heart to a young, inexperienced, immature, not ready to settle down man before.  The outcome was never good.  Is he different?  We definitely have made a few casual connections and flirting is taking place.  I have asked a guy friend to feel out the situation being that he knows us both.  This is a work related situation.  I completely light up when i see him and think it might be worth a date.  I am pretty sure he would be down and really want to see what he’s all about.  Am I wasting my time?  He is 23!  I want a husband and I’m sure he isn’t ready for a wife yet.  I could be wrong.  Your thoughts?

SUBJECT: out of synch’

My boyfriend of 7 bumpy years is now 28 and I am 31, I am more than ready for planning children and as much as he tells me he wants them, he is scared to talk about it. He says bottom line he is not ready now and doesn’t know when he will be, I respect that, however it has now been 3 years since I expressed my longing and I feel that maybe I am wasting my time. He wants us to move to somewhere where he can get a dog….am I holding on to something that may not materialize for say three more years?? Possibly, do I cut my losses now or risk in his words becoming more ‘obsessed about having kids’?????

SUBJECT: e-affair

BODY: I’ve been with the same man for 2 years now. I’m very in love with him and have been since we were 13.  We are grown now at 36 years of age.  About a year ago shortly after we had to maintain a long distance relationship, I had found on-line dating accounts that he had maintained while we were apart. When I confronted him, his reply was it was his way of dealing with our distance. And claims he never met with any of the women.  I believed him, I explained that this what not ok, however, and that it was not something that I would allow to be a part of my life. He agreed.  Well 4 months later while we were having problems due to him being home sick, I again found accounts.  These were even worse, sex sites.  Again, I confronted him.  He told me that he was not ready to be in a relationship and that again this was his way of dealing with it.  A week later and a lot of silence, he told me he was letting all of this go.  That it was not about me, and that he would not do this again.  Thing is, this time i really do believe him.  My biggest problem is that i feel the need to talk about it further, but he is quick to tell me…”let it go, i have”.  The last time I tried bringing it up, he got physically ill and had to excuse himself to be sick.  How do I approach him, without making him feel he has to defend himself or make him ill?  I just want to connect and communicate with him…:(

LoveLab says:

So, I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, and told him that I didn’t want to get intimate unless we were in a committed relationship. We have great chemistry, and seem to click really well, so he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I agreed. Now since then, we’ve had sex but I feel awkward. How do I know if he really meant all the things he’s said to me? I’ve been hurt before and dumped after sex so I know I can jump the gun, but I really like this guy and want to know how I can tell, now that we’ve had sex.

LOVE LAB says:

Dear N,

You did the right thing by setting the parameters under which you would agree to be intimate. You have every right to state your boundaries, especially when it comes to your own body.

Now you have to ask yourself…do YOU feel awkward because of your own hurt and insecurity (perhaps negativity that you’ve collected from your past relationships) or IS it awkward between the two of you now that he has verbally committed? If there is no tangible reason that you feel this way and he is acting the same, consider the possibility that may be you are not used to having a guy reciprocate due to your past. If this is the case, try not to convey this insecurity and negativity to your boyfriend since this is not something he has caused and it is not fair for him to deal with it. It may bring heaviness to a relationship that may actually be having a very healthy start.

On the other hand, if you see some sort of negative difference in his behavior or suspect foul play (due to actual things that you have seen) then you have to ask yourself if your new boyfriend is a trustworthy individual. Sometimes this can take some time to figure out, but sometimes there are signs earlier on if you do not ignore them. Keep vigilant about his character, but do so in a positive and rational way.

Remember, you cannot force someone to have feelings for you and you cannot force someone to BE committed in their minds. However, if that person CHOSE to be committed to you (at least at face value) by agreeing to be your boyfriend then it is HIS fault that he has committed to something for the wrong reasons or that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Sure, there are those guys out there and it is unfortunate that people are not more empathic. However, this is not something YOU should stress about as you have not done anything wrong. Your job to figure out is whether this is a good person and someone you want to be with. If he has not given you signs of otherwise, then enjoy the relationship and be confident that the truth reveals itself if you are open to it. But also be open to the truth that he might also be a great guy that likes you and that you deserve that.

If you are curious about actual signs of interest, check out my post on “SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX” as a quick reference. Keep in mind when you read that post that certain people take longer than others to become vulnerable; guys in particular tend to build longer bridges. However, if a guy takes you seriously and is really into you he will generally want to get closer. If he has already committed to an exclusive relationship then you can look out for ways in which he is trying to include you in his life or vice versa. If this has not happened yet, though, be patient and do not force it. If you have further questions regarding anything in this response, please feel free to send more q’s to askme@lovelabonline.com.

When it comes to relationships and friends I’m always available, always responsive, and almost always there if I’m invited somewhere.  I’m not desperate or anything, I’m just that way. To this day, the only relationships I’ve ever really had work were the ones where I never had to play games. So some questions:

1) should the lesson be that I should not pursue a girl that doesn’t just reciprocate equaly? (like we boys might do the picking up but is  it ultimately their decision)?

2) Is playing the game worth it? Like even if I get her to go on a date am I ultimately just wasting my time?

3) Does it just boil down to they like you or they don’t…not a matter of how you play the game at all?

4) Once I’ve pursued a girl that once showed interest but no longer seems to be is there ever something that can really regain their interest again?

5) Is there maybe some kind of level of distrust about someone that is so available?

6) If the girl is the one reaching out, how does one excercise caution and not suddenly become too available?

7) Most importantly, is there a single good rule to live by for this?

Thanks!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Danny,

Being available is actually a very appealing quality…once you are already in a relationship. It is also an appealing quality during courtship when someone is seeking you out. It let’s the woman know that you are reliable. Being available when needed and MAKING yourself available and at someone’s disposal are different things. If you are responsive and consistent you are sending the message that you are a serious candidate. To answer your questions in brief:

1) It is ultimately the woman’s choice and she will know very quickly whether you are a prospective mate. Your job is to figure out whether she is really interested or is leading you on to have someone pursue her. The best test is to see how she responds to you physically. A girl will allow a mental connection and even spend lots of time with a guy she has a limited interest in, but she is less likely to give herself away physically unless she wants to be with you. Sure there are purely physical relationships, but there shouldn’t be confusion when you find yourself in one of those.

2) You are not wasting your time, because if she agreed to go on a date chances are you appealed to her in some way. This would be your chance to charm her.

3) It boils down whether they are attracted to you or not. Generally this will be known within the first three dates, but some girls will know by the first date. If a girl isn’t being very responsive after the first or second date you can either pursue full force and see if it changes anything or just give up and move on. Some girls will respond to men who are very persistent even if they are unsure about them at first.

4) It depends to why she lost the interest…If it’s because something showed her you are not a good long term partner and she cannot take you seriously, then you would have to somehow change her perception of that for her to consider you again. If she is no longer physically attracted to you then it may be a lost cause.

5) I don’t think there is a level of distrust about availability, but perhaps people will not respect your time as much if they think you are so generous with it. You can think of it in terms of supply and demand; the value of something goes up when it is in higher demand.

6) If the girl is reaching out and you like her and take her seriously, you should be responsive and be available when she wants you there. If you want to be cautious, then you can pace when reciprocating the planning. Just stay in tune with what she is conveying by her actions.

7) Pacing and empathy. Try to stay on the same page and be aware of the other person’s feelings whether they are in your favor or not. It is in your best interest to understand the needs of the other person, even if they do not coincide with your own. This will save you time in the end.

For specific examples, please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com.

I’m in looooovvvvvvveeeeeeee!!! – Now what?

LOVELAB says:

Dear Caliber,

Although you are not giving me a lot of background on this one, I will assume that you have just fallen in love and you are hoping that everything runs smoothly in order for you to receive positive feedback from the object of your love.

I think the important thing to remember when you are in love is pacing. You want to stay on the same page as the person whom you are in love with so that they can explore their own feelings without pressure. You want to avoid putting the person in a position where they have to ‘decide’ on passionate feelings rather than letting it overcome them through the wonderful interactions you both enjoy.

Another very important factor in encouraging and maintaining passion is engaging in novel activities and exciting activities together. This not only builds positive memories, but also allows your partner to associate feelings of excitement and good times with you.

Good luck!

We are not talking right now. I’m ok with giving her space. But how can I make sure not to fall back into selfish behaviors if/when we do connect again?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Sleepless in Brooklyn,

It is great that you have taken the time to reflect on this situation. Regardless of a relationship outcome, I believe the success of any relationship can be measured by its positive transformational power.

What you can take away from this experience is that you cannot force someone to like you. Both men and women often hang on that glimmer of hope that someone whom they like will reciprocate. If this girl has already expressed to you she doesn’t want anything romantic, you need to accept this and move on. Your job as a man is to figure out whether a woman is interested during the courtship process and invest your time wisely based on the cues you receive. If you want to not fall back into selfish behaviors, you may want to consider moving on from focusing on this girl as the object of your affection and pursuing individuals who are open to your advances.

If you value her as a person, you can continue to engage her as a friend once some time has passed. If she seems resistant at first, you can apologize and make it clear to her that you will not further pursue her romantically. Eventually, if you stay true to your word, she will begin to trust you again. The challenge for you is to get over her so that you are not creating tension and emotional heaviness in this dynamic.

I also noted that you said she “expressed that she just wants to be friends right now”. You have to be prepared that when she used the word “right now” it may actually mean she only wants to be friends period. Women often tell guys they are not interested in romantically that they want to be friends for the time being, leaving that possibility open that something might happen in the future. This can be because they don’t want to compoletely shut a guy down and hurt this ego; alternatively, it can mean they enjoy having suitors around. In reality, when someone says to you they are not interested right now, you have to accept the possibility that they may never be and not spend your time and emotional energy on something that may never materialize.

What does a late 20s – early 30s man really want from a woman?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Faina,

As I have written in an earlier post, I believe that men in that age category are prime candidates for settling down (see THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). This is around the time when they have gotten their careers somewhat on track and also have had enough relationship experience to have an idea of what it is they are looking for in a woman. Yet, they are not quite so old as to get used to being alone and settle into their bachelor routine. The government sites with marriage statistics show that the average age of for men is between 26-27, and this hasn’t changed much in the last century…however, this was dated back to 2003.

I found the following marriage statistic for US on www.nationamaster.com for the median age of males for 2008:

#56

United States:

35.4 years

2008

This seemed a bit high and I wasn’t sure how reliable this site was, so I looked up a government census site, which gave a statistic by state for 2007. Here are the top 5 states (NY being #3 with the median male age being 29.9 for first marriage):

source: http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/GRTTable?_bm=y&-_box_head_nbr=R1204&-ds_name=ACS_2007_1YR_G00_&-_lang=en&-format=US-30

At this point, men may be unlikely to jump into a serious relationship with a girl unless she fits into the profile of the kind of girl they see in the long term. If you fit the bill, they will pursue you seriously and will exhibit relationship seeking behaviors; if you don’t they will probably pursue you for sex. Some of the behaviors that indicate each respective motivation are described in one of my earlier posts (SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX).

There are, of course, exceptions. Some men never settle down and some always remain users, even when they settle down. Overall though, I think that this is the most appealing category of men to date.
There was a server issue this weekend so I apologize for the delay in this response (as well as any other ASK LOVELAB Q&A’s currently in queue).

I get it, I really do.  I understand it – I pick out a mate for the purpose of my reproduction.  My genes dictate that I find that right one – even if it’s a settled but safe lover, and stick to them.  As you put it so eloquently in your earlier articles, marriage is nothing but a social (and legal) contract to ensure the welfare of offspring.  So then by today’s societal standards, we find someone we’re willing to work with – someone who we feel has the same values for parenthood.  We pick them, have a relationship, and when the excitement dies – you start a family.  See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs

But what if you’re not after marriage?  What if you found someone who you feel can offer your offspring all that is needed but do not want a family?  What happens when you agree that you’re great for each other but don’t want to take that next step (for circumstantial reasons – career, money, etc.).  Then by definition, the relationship will continue until your passion and excitement dies out.

Do you just go on day by day until that happens?  Do you wait for the relationship wilts or for one of us to commit adultery?  What happens when that initial thrill, those butterflies of love die out and you’re left with of a relationship to have a family but no desire to start one?  Do you end it?  What if you don’t want to hurt the other person?  Now what?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear TE,

Not all relationships fizzle out. Sure, many do. But I think it is underestimated how many are alive and strong with these rumors of outrageous divorce rates flying around (the statistics diverge when you consider women who are over 23 years of age and college educated, diminishing that notorious 50%). I think many couples simply don’t have the skills (mainly communication skills) necessary to sustain long term love.

To give you an uplifting example, I assisted in an fMRI study which looked at couples who were in love for over 10 years. These individuals were happy and vibrant and they were absolutely in love (with sex and all) with their partner, whether they were 40 years old or 60 years old!  When looking at their loved ones in an fMRI, similar brain regions were activated (amongst additional ones) as those which were seen in couples who have recently fallen in love. What is more, several studies indicate that these people are not as unique in our society as we have been conditioned to think (I suppose happily married couples don’t make for fun media/television/movie subjects). The following article talks a little about this work: http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2009/01_25-34/LIF

There are certainly things a couple can do to sustain their love. Research by Dr. Arthur Aron has shown, for example, that engaging in novel and stimulating activities with your partner can benefit the relationship and keep the dopamine levels high (dopaminergic systems are implicated in that ‘in love’ feeling). How a couple communicates, particularly during arguments, is also of severe importance; various research endeavors have shown that communicating positive emotions (both physical and verbal) during arguments can be beneficial. Another important quality that has been shown to appear in great relationships is ‘capitalizing’. This means that when your partner expresses positive emotions or news, you reciprocate the positivity and capitalize on it by amplifying it. For example, if your partner tells you about his exciting day at work and you say “Wow, that is great! I am so happy for you!” as opposed to “That’s great, but this also means you will be spending less time at home” or “Oh, that’s cool, do you know yet whether you’ll be able to come to dinner with me this weekend?” Personally, I think empathy on both parts is absolutely critical since it will largely impact how a couple communicates with each other and their ability to reach compromises. By communicating effectively, a couple is able to minimize the negativity of a relationship and emphasize the positives.

As far as the situation you mentioned, where you may have found a great guy but it seems to be poor timing, consider that timing is often a factor whether we like it or not. If this person is really a keeper then you can stick it out and try to maintain your love (with some examples I mentioned above). If BOTH of you are simply not ready for legitimate reasons, then this shouldn’t be too much of an issue. If you are ready and he is not, then you have to consider whether this is the right situation for you since you may be losing out on the opportunity to meet a guy who IS ready.

As far as letting them know when the love dies out…well, you only live once and you cannot worry about hurting someone’s feelings about such major decisions as long as you are being fair. If this is not the right situation for you then this person who loves you has to understand that and will hopefully heal in time. You are hurting them more by staying with them if the love is no longer there since you are keeping them from being in another fulfilled relationship (as well as yourself).

BTW..Love the video! =)

skating on thin ice…

Love,

So here’s the thing. I just recently got out a tumultuous love affair which ended abruptly. I’m basically ok with this and am actively back in the game. Seeing my ex…….? How do you know if that’s truly a good idea or not? I definitely care less about him but sort of long for that comfort from the past… Should I just leave alls well alone? I might be fine with it but I might not…
Pls advise…

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear JR,

The answer depends on how much time you’ve got to waste.

‘Recycling’ is a tricky business. I think a casual relationship with an ex should only be pursued if you feel emotionally removed from the situation and both of you are not really looking for something more. If he is looking for something and you aren’t, he may pull you back in. If you are telling yourself it is just casual but really hoping for something more and he isn’t, then this won’t do much in the way of giving you that comfort you seek.

You called this post ’skating on thin ice’ so you are clearly vulnerable right now and seeing your ex can be exposing you to more possible disappointments.

Very often, after trust has been violated or there is water under the bridge, at least one of the individuals may be reluctant to get back into the dyad. If the relationship does rekindle, power plays may result (see my response to Richard). In addition, it is simply more emotionally pleasing to pursue something new and exciting, rather something old and jaded.

Regardless of what your reasons are for allowing your ex back into your life or how it might affect you, keep in mind that you said you are back in the game. There is only so much time during the week and if you are giving that time away to an ex whom you said you care less about and you are simply seeking comfort (hence I assume you do not see long term potential) then you are probably not being efficient with your dating life.

Unless you are an incredible emotional multi-tasker and can juggle a vibrant dating life, a relationship with an ex boyfriend, and whatever residual feelings you may have for your last lover, I’d say don’t spend too much time on your ex and at the least don’t prioritize him over anything else going on in your life.

A friend of mine once told me that if you have a major set back, it just means there is a greater reality waiting for you out there and you just have to embrace it. Allow yourself to create this possibility for yourself and remember that true strength lies in letting go of that which is holding you back.