THE LOVE LAB

Question!

I’m in looooovvvvvvveeeeeeee!!! – Now what?

LOVELAB says:

Dear Caliber,

Although you are not giving me a lot of background on this one, I will assume that you have just fallen in love and you are hoping that everything runs smoothly in order for you to receive positive feedback from the object of your love.

I think the important thing to remember when you are in love is pacing. You want to stay on the same page as the person whom you are in love with so that they can explore their own feelings without pressure. You want to avoid putting the person in a position where they have to ‘decide’ on passionate feelings rather than letting it overcome them through the wonderful interactions you both enjoy.

Another very important factor in encouraging and maintaining passion is engaging in novel activities and exciting activities together. This not only builds positive memories, but also allows your partner to associate feelings of excitement and good times with you.

Good luck!

I’ve been pretty stupid. Setting romantic expectations up in my head with a girl who has expressed that she just wants to be friends right now. She reads me like a billboard, tho, and doesn’t trust me to respect her feelings. She was right not to, I was always looking for opportunities to change her mind. Now, I’m coming to understand how selfish I’ve been. Probably caused her considerable pain, since I’m done with self-pitying, the guilt of hurting her really sucks.

We are not talking right now. I’m ok with giving her space. But how can I make sure not to fall back into selfish behaviors if/when we do connect again?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Sleepless in Brooklyn,

It is great that you have taken the time to reflect on this situation. Regardless of a relationship outcome, I believe the success of any relationship can be measured by its positive transformational power.

What you can take away from this experience is that you cannot force someone to like you. Both men and women often hang on that glimmer of hope that someone whom they like will reciprocate. If this girl has already expressed to you she doesn’t want anything romantic, you need to accept this and move on. Your job as a man is to figure out whether a woman is interested during the courtship process and invest your time wisely based on the cues you receive. If you want to not fall back into selfish behaviors, you may want to consider moving on from focusing on this girl as the object of your affection and pursuing individuals who are open to your advances.

If you value her as a person, you can continue to engage her as a friend once some time has passed. If she seems resistant at first, you can apologize and make it clear to her that you will not further pursue her romantically. Eventually, if you stay true to your word, she will begin to trust you again. The challenge for you is to get over her so that you are not creating tension and emotional heaviness in this dynamic.

I also noted that you said she “expressed that she just wants to be friends right now”. You have to be prepared that when she used the word “right now” it may actually mean she only wants to be friends period. Women often tell guys they are not interested in romantically that they want to be friends for the time being, leaving that possibility open that something might happen in the future. This can be because they don’t want to compoletely shut a guy down and hurt this ego; alternatively, it can mean they enjoy having suitors around. In reality, when someone says to you they are not interested right now, you have to accept the possibility that they may never be and not spend your time and emotional energy on something that may never materialize.

wondering..

What does a late 20s – early 30s man really want from a woman?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Faina,

As I have written in an earlier post, I believe that men in that age category are prime candidates for settling down (see THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). This is around the time when they have gotten their careers somewhat on track and also have had enough relationship experience to have an idea of what it is they are looking for in a woman. Yet, they are not quite so old as to get used to being alone and settle into their bachelor routine. The government sites with marriage statistics show that the average age of for men is between 26-27, and this hasn’t changed much in the last century…however, this was dated back to 2003.

I found the following marriage statistic for US on www.nationamaster.com for the median age of males for 2008:

#56

United States:

35.4 years

2008

This seemed a bit high and I wasn’t sure how reliable this site was, so I looked up a government census site, which gave a statistic by state for 2007. Here are the top 5 states (NY being #3 with the median male age being 29.9 for first marriage):

source: http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/GRTTable?_bm=y&-_box_head_nbr=R1204&-ds_name=ACS_2007_1YR_G00_&-_lang=en&-format=US-30

At this point, men may be unlikely to jump into a serious relationship with a girl unless she fits into the profile of the kind of girl they see in the long term. If you fit the bill, they will pursue you seriously and will exhibit relationship seeking behaviors; if you don’t they will probably pursue you for sex. Some of the behaviors that indicate each respective motivation are described in one of my earlier posts (SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX).

There are, of course, exceptions. Some men never settle down and some always remain users, even when they settle down. Overall though, I think that this is the most appealing category of men to date.
There was a server issue this weekend so I apologize for the delay in this response (as well as any other ASK LOVELAB Q&A’s currently in queue).

Ok I get it…now what?

I get it, I really do.  I understand it – I pick out a mate for the purpose of my reproduction.  My genes dictate that I find that right one – even if it’s a settled but safe lover, and stick to them.  As you put it so eloquently in your earlier articles, marriage is nothing but a social (and legal) contract to ensure the welfare of offspring.  So then by today’s societal standards, we find someone we’re willing to work with – someone who we feel has the same values for parenthood.  We pick them, have a relationship, and when the excitement dies – you start a family.  See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs

But what if you’re not after marriage?  What if you found someone who you feel can offer your offspring all that is needed but do not want a family?  What happens when you agree that you’re great for each other but don’t want to take that next step (for circumstantial reasons – career, money, etc.).  Then by definition, the relationship will continue until your passion and excitement dies out.

Do you just go on day by day until that happens?  Do you wait for the relationship wilts or for one of us to commit adultery?  What happens when that initial thrill, those butterflies of love die out and you’re left with of a relationship to have a family but no desire to start one?  Do you end it?  What if you don’t want to hurt the other person?  Now what?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear TE,

Not all relationships fizzle out. Sure, many do. But I think it is underestimated how many are alive and strong with these rumors of outrageous divorce rates flying around (the statistics diverge when you consider women who are over 23 years of age and college educated, diminishing that notorious 50%). I think many couples simply don’t have the skills (mainly communication skills) necessary to sustain long term love.

To give you an uplifting example, I assisted in an fMRI study which looked at couples who were in love for over 10 years. These individuals were happy and vibrant and they were absolutely in love (with sex and all) with their partner, whether they were 40 years old or 60 years old!  When looking at their loved ones in an fMRI, similar brain regions were activated (amongst additional ones) as those which were seen in couples who have recently fallen in love. What is more, several studies indicate that these people are not as unique in our society as we have been conditioned to think (I suppose happily married couples don’t make for fun media/television/movie subjects). The following article talks a little about this work: http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2009/01_25-34/LIF

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE…

[Quote of the day: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have kept loving someone who sucked you dry" -S.K. New York, NY]

skating on thin ice…

Love,

So here’s the thing. I just recently got out a tumultuous love affair which ended abruptly. I’m basically ok with this and am actively back in the game. Seeing my ex…….? How do you know if that’s truly a good idea or not? I definitely care less about him but sort of long for that comfort from the past… Should I just leave alls well alone? I might be fine with it but I might not…
Pls advise…

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear JR,

The answer depends on how much time you’ve got to waste.

‘Recycling’ is a tricky business. I think a casual relationship with an ex should only be pursued if you feel emotionally removed from the situation and both of you are not really looking for something more. If he is looking for something and you aren’t, he may pull you back in. If you are telling yourself it is just casual but really hoping for something more and he isn’t, then this won’t do much in the way of giving you that comfort you seek.

You called this post ’skating on thin ice’ so you are clearly vulnerable right now and seeing your ex can be exposing you to more possible disappointments.

Very often, after trust has been violated or there is water under the bridge, at least one of the individuals may be reluctant to get back into the dyad. If the relationship does rekindle, power plays may result (see my response to Richard). In addition, it is simply more emotionally pleasing to pursue something new and exciting, rather something old and jaded.

Regardless of what your reasons are for allowing your ex back into your life or how it might affect you, keep in mind that you said you are back in the game. There is only so much time during the week and if you are giving that time away to an ex whom you said you care less about and you are simply seeking comfort (hence I assume you do not see long term potential) then you are probably not being efficient with your dating life.

Unless you are an incredible emotional multi-tasker and can juggle a vibrant dating life, a relationship with an ex boyfriend, and whatever residual feelings you may have for your last lover, I’d say don’t spend too much time on your ex and at the least don’t prioritize him over anything else going on in your life.

A friend of mine once told me that if you have a major set back, it just means there is a greater reality waiting for you out there and you just have to embrace it. Allow yourself to create this possibility for yourself and remember that true strength lies in letting go of that which is holding you back.