THE LOVE LAB

[Quote: "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem]

Asking Someone Out

You’re HOT – How can I date you?

Wait. I have a love advice question too. How can a guy get one of those high quality girls who seem almost out of reach – the celebrities, the movie stars, the girl running the website, the models, the “high status” girls.

It’s not like I interact with them every day. How do I come across them more? And if I see them, what do I do?

Thanks. And, oh, how can I date you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear DD,

It is interesting that you emphasize ’status’ per se since high status is not as important a factor for men as it is for women when it comes to choosing mates. Also, I would like to point out that models are not necessarily high status females, unless they are famous or supermodels. Although they may be coveted by men, it isn’t because of their status, but because of their beauty. They perhaps raise the status of the male, but this doesn’t make them high status.

Status is determined by an individual’s relative rank in the social hierarchy. In American society this is largely determined by fiscal fitness; in general, money and connections will determine your rank since that is what yields influence. Individuals of high status, both male and female, will have first pickings in mate selection and material resources. Celebrity women are indeed included in this category. So like high status men, women of the highest status may choose beauty/youth instead of following a reproductive strategy of most other women (who take resources largely into account). This trend is well characterized by the following celebrity couples:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher

So how does a guy get a really high status woman? It seems you have to be somewhat beautiful and have a laid back personality. These women don’t need to settle on anything; since resources – and the drawbacks that come with men that have them – are not an issue, an ego and a macho attitude probably won’t do you much good. It seems you need to have enough of your own status to flow in their circles, but your own status may not be as much of a factor as it is for the ‘highly desired’ women (discussed in my response to Caliber).

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE…

[Love Quote: "Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex." -Donald Symons, an Anthropologist]

Dear Love Lab,

What are some of the things that can indicate that a man is only pursuing you sexually, or actually might want something more serious or long-term? And what do you think are the factors that would influence his motives?

- Curious

LOVELAB SAYS

Dear Curious,

Keep in mind that the two are not mutually exclusive; a guy who really likes you might still be initially trying to consummate the physical aspect of your relationship. His pushiness with this could be an indication that he is trying to ensure:
a) you are not using him for whatever material benefits you are receiving through the courtship
b) you are not trying to place him in the ‘friend’ category
c) you have a good sexual chemistry

So if he is seemingly aggressive about sealing the deal, look at the whole picture to see if there are relationship-seeking signs displayed at the same time.

SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS SEX

-he is inconsistent with contacting you; days, or even weeks or months go by before you hear from him
-he only calls you to hang out at night
-he is limiting his material and time investment in the relationship
-he doesn’t seem to want to get to know you
-he forgets relevant things about you that you’ve mentioned several times
-the relationship is not progressing in intimacy after you have spent a lot of time together
-he doesn’t go out of his way for you

SIGNS HE IS SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP

-he is taking initiative in planning activities together, particularly those that involve a lot of one-on-one time
-he seems to admire you as a person
-he considers your opinion when making future-oriented decisions
-he prioritizes you
-he wants you to be included in his life and vice versa
-he introduces you to important people in his life
-he opens up to you about his feelings

As far as factors influencing his motives, that is too involved to address in one post. Please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com to inquire into package prices or continue asking more specific questions by emailing me at askme@lovelabonline.com.

The Fleeting Love

Lovelab,

Can you explain how to make a man want to take care of you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Karen,

I think there are several factors to consider.

First, a man’s capacity to care for someone varies on an individual basis. Some men are mature enough to express their care with appropriate behaviors; some men are simply more capable of care in and of itself due to higher empathy (see my post on THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). It may be easier for them to care for all people, not just the ones they love.

As for or the regular Joe, I think a man needs to feel he wants to invest in you (or has already invested in you) in order for him to elicit caring behaviors. For example, if he is sexually pursuing you or if you are married and you are the mother of his children. In both instances, caring for you would be protecting his own investment (especially in the latter case).

However, aside from that, there are certain females that are extremely good at eliciting the caring response. Think Marylin Monroe; both men and women felt a parental warmth towards her. According to Konrad Lorenz’s theory, childlike characteristics produce an instinctual protective response in people. Thus emphasizing various child like characteristics can enhance your ability to elicit the caring response from men. Below are some examples.

Physical Traits in women that denote a childlike innocence:

Full and well defined lips (natural reddish color)

Rosy cheeks

Firm and elastic skin that glows (although some freckles can denote youth, as well)

Large eyes

Rounded cheeks

Long eyelashes

Blond curls

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE…

Love Actualizing

Based on your description of a sociopath, it seems I fit the bill: I look for relationships mostly to address emotional lusting, once I ‘get’ what it is I’m looking for my relationship drive dives, and I find myself impeccably picky in the traits I find favorable in a companion.

Shyness is another tendency that I exhibit, especially when I respect a woman and am physically attracted. My integrity is pretty unscandalable, however, and I have a high self worth or at least delusional fancies of high self worth.

The question I seek answered is: short of successful hypnosis, what steps can I take to be more caring, understanding, and emphatic in romantic relationships?

I suspect that my shyness would shy away if I had the realization that my relationships were less selfishly oriented.

Happy Birthday!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear cyber.hippy.gypsy.guy,

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

Good news: I am no psychiatrist so don’t rely on my diagnosis, but it does not seem to me from your description (although limited) that you fit the criteria of a sociopath.

Sociopaths tend to be confident and fearless. In fact, they don’t exhibit fear in performing antisocial acts before doing them and they don’t exhibit guilt after doing them. If you describe yourself as shy, particularly around women who intimidate you, I will guess that you are at least somewhat conscious of what they may be thinking of you. If you are, that means that you are taking the time to consider someone’s thoughts and emotions, something psychopaths are not prone to do. You also mention in the end of your email that your shyness may even be attributed to what you think you may have to offer in a relationship, which is also an ‘other oriented’ consideration.

It seems to me you are concerned about your selfish approach to relationships and you are looking to change that. Psychopaths may know that they are different from others, but from what I know of them, they are not big on allowing others to criticize them or take much time to self reflect on the consequences of their behavior. They are consistent in their lack of concern for others and may even feel empowered by their lack of empathy. It allows them to navigate emotional obstacles intellectually, as well as to manipulate people effortlessly.

 

Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman in 'American Psycho'

Is it possible you have not been with women you truly respect and connect with? You did mention that you are intimidated by the women you admire, so may be the ones that you get your emotional kicks from fall beneath what you are truly looking for. It also seems that you are not completely comfortable with your self esteem; I say that because you are struggling with shyness, as well as due to the seemingly unhealthy emotional feedback you are constantly seeking. I see that as a form of validation which tends to occur with egos that have not been entirely solidified.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE…

Good looks in men versus money and power

Hi Miss Love Lab,

Before I ask my question, I just wanted to comment on how lovely you look in your picture on the Ask Love Lab page!

That being said, I was curious about your thoughts on why women who may be allured by a man’s money or power, can seem almost equally or even more so swayed merely by a man’s good looks? Especially in the case when said man has no other resources, including of course, any wealth or power. I have seen some of my closest girlfriends go nuts over a guy just because he had a gorgeous face (or even one that was merely attractive), and most of them also usually shunned men who had other highly desirable attributes, such as high intellect, worldly success, and even (gasp) status. If you can shed any light on this matter, it would be much appreciated!

Thanks,
Arisannah

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Arisannah,

Thank you so much for your compliment.

Now to answer your question, I’d like to point out that beauty is not only in the eyes of the beholder. Humans are conditioned to find certain types of traits ‘beautiful’ cross culturally. Certainly, there are geographical and decade-specific variations (TE’s example of the chubbier women) but even that can be boiled down to biological reasons for the most part (in those times chubbier women were of higher status since they could afford to lead more sedentary lifestyles and were more well fed). Nonetheless, there are enduring qualities which human beings respond to (even babies!). To name a few: bilateral symmetry (left side closely matching the right side), closeness to the .7 hip to waist ratio in women (similar in Marylin Monroe and Kate Moss despite their seemingly different body types), well developed cheekbones in both men and women, full lips in women, developed jaw bone in men, healthy skin in both men and women.

Kate Moss: wide hips, small waist

Most of these traits are determined by the amount of sex hormones we produce (specifically the ratio of the sex hormones) which lead to the development of sexually dimorphic traits during puberty. They signify fertility in women and virility in men; they also signify general fitness in both men and women (health related traits like good skin).

For both men and women, the ultimate goal is successful reproduction (that means good genes being passed on and ensuring that the young have sufficient resources to develop until independent). Men and women use different strategies to achieve this, with women having the additional need for resources since they are generally the ones who wind up rearing the young. Although both sexes strive to mate with good genes, women have developed a DUAL MATING strategy to ensure that whatever young they produce they will be able to survive into adulthood. This dual mating strategy is partly possible through the female’s ability to hide her estrus (so men generally do not know when we are ovulating). We have developed an extended sexuality, having nonconceptual sex (sex not leading to conception) throughout our menstrual cycle. One possible explanation for this is that this strategy allows us to secure material benefits from partners who stick around in hopes of impregnating us. Also, they may stick around in hopes of ensuring that other men will not copulate with us and thus confuse parenting.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE…