THE LOVE LAB

SUBJECT: Single and ready to mingle

Hi LL:

I am a 30 year old newly single lady.  I have a strong attraction for a younger man.  23 years old to be exact.  He is devastatingly gorgeous yet humble and doesn’t even know it.  He is clearly not on my level in terms of life but I am a hopeless romantic who believes in taking chances.  I have been burnt before trusting my heart to a young, inexperienced, immature, not ready to settle down man before.  The outcome was never good.  Is he different?  We definitely have made a few casual connections and flirting is taking place.  I have asked a guy friend to feel out the situation being that he knows us both.  This is a work related situation.  I completely light up when i see him and think it might be worth a date.  I am pretty sure he would be down and really want to see what he’s all about.  Am I wasting my time?  He is 23!  I want a husband and I’m sure he isn’t ready for a wife yet.  I could be wrong.  Your thoughts?

I seem to have the worst luck with guys. I have never had a serious relationship last longer than five months, and with the guys I date and choose to let into my world, they seem to be very interested in the beginning and then disappear for no reason at all. I consider myself a pretty independent and self aware person who is pretty normal, but with this area of my life I can’t seem to figure out the whole dating thing. It’s frustrating to never get beyond a certain point with guys that I’m interested in. I have learned a lot in my past dating/relationship experiences but I’m ready for something more and I can’t seem to find a guy I’m into who’s on the same page. Why is it so hard?

Love Lab says:

What is it about being available that is so unappealing?  Yeah, we all know we want what we cannot have but why can’t it simply be, hey I like you and you like me, let’s hang out. Why does it almost always have to be games?

When it comes to relationships and friends I’m always available, always responsive, and almost always there if I’m invited somewhere.  I’m not desperate or anything, I’m just that way. To this day, the only relationships I’ve ever really had work were the ones where I never had to play games. So some questions:

1) should the lesson be that I should not pursue a girl that doesn’t just reciprocate equaly? (like we boys might do the picking up but is  it ultimately their decision)?

2) Is playing the game worth it? Like even if I get her to go on a date am I ultimately just wasting my time?

3) Does it just boil down to they like you or they don’t…not a matter of how you play the game at all?

4) Once I’ve pursued a girl that once showed interest but no longer seems to be is there ever something that can really regain their interest again?

5) Is there maybe some kind of level of distrust about someone that is so available?

6) If the girl is the one reaching out, how does one excercise caution and not suddenly become too available?

7) Most importantly, is there a single good rule to live by for this?

Thanks!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Danny,

Being available is actually a very appealing quality…once you are already in a relationship. It is also an appealing quality during courtship when someone is seeking you out. It let’s the woman know that you are reliable. Being available when needed and MAKING yourself available and at someone’s disposal are different things. If you are responsive and consistent you are sending the message that you are a serious candidate. To answer your questions in brief:

1) It is ultimately the woman’s choice and she will know very quickly whether you are a prospective mate. Your job is to figure out whether she is really interested or is leading you on to have someone pursue her. The best test is to see how she responds to you physically. A girl will allow a mental connection and even spend lots of time with a guy she has a limited interest in, but she is less likely to give herself away physically unless she wants to be with you. Sure there are purely physical relationships, but there shouldn’t be confusion when you find yourself in one of those.

2) You are not wasting your time, because if she agreed to go on a date chances are you appealed to her in some way. This would be your chance to charm her.

3) It boils down whether they are attracted to you or not. Generally this will be known within the first three dates, but some girls will know by the first date. If a girl isn’t being very responsive after the first or second date you can either pursue full force and see if it changes anything or just give up and move on. Some girls will respond to men who are very persistent even if they are unsure about them at first.

4) It depends to why she lost the interest…If it’s because something showed her you are not a good long term partner and she cannot take you seriously, then you would have to somehow change her perception of that for her to consider you again. If she is no longer physically attracted to you then it may be a lost cause.

5) I don’t think there is a level of distrust about availability, but perhaps people will not respect your time as much if they think you are so generous with it. You can think of it in terms of supply and demand; the value of something goes up when it is in higher demand.

6) If the girl is reaching out and you like her and take her seriously, you should be responsive and be available when she wants you there. If you want to be cautious, then you can pace when reciprocating the planning. Just stay in tune with what she is conveying by her actions.

7) Pacing and empathy. Try to stay on the same page and be aware of the other person’s feelings whether they are in your favor or not. It is in your best interest to understand the needs of the other person, even if they do not coincide with your own. This will save you time in the end.

For specific examples, please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com.

Question!

I’m in looooovvvvvvveeeeeeee!!! – Now what?

LOVELAB says:

Dear Caliber,

Although you are not giving me a lot of background on this one, I will assume that you have just fallen in love and you are hoping that everything runs smoothly in order for you to receive positive feedback from the object of your love.

I think the important thing to remember when you are in love is pacing. You want to stay on the same page as the person whom you are in love with so that they can explore their own feelings without pressure. You want to avoid putting the person in a position where they have to ‘decide’ on passionate feelings rather than letting it overcome them through the wonderful interactions you both enjoy.

Another very important factor in encouraging and maintaining passion is engaging in novel activities and exciting activities together. This not only builds positive memories, but also allows your partner to associate feelings of excitement and good times with you.

Good luck!

I’ve been pretty stupid. Setting romantic expectations up in my head with a girl who has expressed that she just wants to be friends right now. She reads me like a billboard, tho, and doesn’t trust me to respect her feelings. She was right not to, I was always looking for opportunities to change her mind. Now, I’m coming to understand how selfish I’ve been. Probably caused her considerable pain, since I’m done with self-pitying, the guilt of hurting her really sucks.

We are not talking right now. I’m ok with giving her space. But how can I make sure not to fall back into selfish behaviors if/when we do connect again?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Sleepless in Brooklyn,

It is great that you have taken the time to reflect on this situation. Regardless of a relationship outcome, I believe the success of any relationship can be measured by its positive transformational power.

What you can take away from this experience is that you cannot force someone to like you. Both men and women often hang on that glimmer of hope that someone whom they like will reciprocate. If this girl has already expressed to you she doesn’t want anything romantic, you need to accept this and move on. Your job as a man is to figure out whether a woman is interested during the courtship process and invest your time wisely based on the cues you receive. If you want to not fall back into selfish behaviors, you may want to consider moving on from focusing on this girl as the object of your affection and pursuing individuals who are open to your advances.

If you value her as a person, you can continue to engage her as a friend once some time has passed. If she seems resistant at first, you can apologize and make it clear to her that you will not further pursue her romantically. Eventually, if you stay true to your word, she will begin to trust you again. The challenge for you is to get over her so that you are not creating tension and emotional heaviness in this dynamic.

I also noted that you said she “expressed that she just wants to be friends right now”. You have to be prepared that when she used the word “right now” it may actually mean she only wants to be friends period. Women often tell guys they are not interested in romantically that they want to be friends for the time being, leaving that possibility open that something might happen in the future. This can be because they don’t want to compoletely shut a guy down and hurt this ego; alternatively, it can mean they enjoy having suitors around. In reality, when someone says to you they are not interested right now, you have to accept the possibility that they may never be and not spend your time and emotional energy on something that may never materialize.