THE LOVE LAB

Ok I get it…now what?

I get it, I really do.  I understand it – I pick out a mate for the purpose of my reproduction.  My genes dictate that I find that right one – even if it’s a settled but safe lover, and stick to them.  As you put it so eloquently in your earlier articles, marriage is nothing but a social (and legal) contract to ensure the welfare of offspring.  So then by today’s societal standards, we find someone we’re willing to work with – someone who we feel has the same values for parenthood.  We pick them, have a relationship, and when the excitement dies – you start a family.  See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs

But what if you’re not after marriage?  What if you found someone who you feel can offer your offspring all that is needed but do not want a family?  What happens when you agree that you’re great for each other but don’t want to take that next step (for circumstantial reasons – career, money, etc.).  Then by definition, the relationship will continue until your passion and excitement dies out.

Do you just go on day by day until that happens?  Do you wait for the relationship wilts or for one of us to commit adultery?  What happens when that initial thrill, those butterflies of love die out and you’re left with of a relationship to have a family but no desire to start one?  Do you end it?  What if you don’t want to hurt the other person?  Now what?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear TE,

Not all relationships fizzle out. Sure, many do. But I think it is underestimated how many are alive and strong with these rumors of outrageous divorce rates flying around (the statistics diverge when you consider women who are over 23 years of age and college educated, diminishing that notorious 50%). I think many couples simply don’t have the skills (mainly communication skills) necessary to sustain long term love.

To give you an uplifting example, I assisted in an fMRI study which looked at couples who were in love for over 10 years. These individuals were happy and vibrant and they were absolutely in love (with sex and all) with their partner, whether they were 40 years old or 60 years old!  When looking at their loved ones in an fMRI, similar brain regions were activated (amongst additional ones) as those which were seen in couples who have recently fallen in love. What is more, several studies indicate that these people are not as unique in our society as we have been conditioned to think (I suppose happily married couples don’t make for fun media/television/movie subjects). The following article talks a little about this work: http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2009/01_25-34/LIF

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS ARTICLE…

[Quote: "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem]

Asking Someone Out

You’re HOT – How can I date you?

Wait. I have a love advice question too. How can a guy get one of those high quality girls who seem almost out of reach – the celebrities, the movie stars, the girl running the website, the models, the “high status” girls.

It’s not like I interact with them every day. How do I come across them more? And if I see them, what do I do?

Thanks. And, oh, how can I date you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear DD,

It is interesting that you emphasize ’status’ per se since high status is not as important a factor for men as it is for women when it comes to choosing mates. Also, I would like to point out that models are not necessarily high status females, unless they are famous or supermodels. Although they may be coveted by men, it isn’t because of their status, but because of their beauty. They perhaps raise the status of the male, but this doesn’t make them high status.

Status is determined by an individual’s relative rank in the social hierarchy. In American society this is largely determined by fiscal fitness; in general, money and connections will determine your rank since that is what yields influence. Individuals of high status, both male and female, will have first pickings in mate selection and material resources. Celebrity women are indeed included in this category. So like high status men, women of the highest status may choose beauty/youth instead of following a reproductive strategy of most other women (who take resources largely into account). This trend is well characterized by the following celebrity couples:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher

So how does a guy get a really high status woman? It seems you have to be somewhat beautiful and have a laid back personality. These women don’t need to settle on anything; since resources – and the drawbacks that come with men that have them – are not an issue, an ego and a macho attitude probably won’t do you much good. It seems you need to have enough of your own status to flow in their circles, but your own status may not be as much of a factor as it is for the ‘highly desired’ women (discussed in my response to Caliber).

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Good looks in men versus money and power

Hi Miss Love Lab,

Before I ask my question, I just wanted to comment on how lovely you look in your picture on the Ask Love Lab page!

That being said, I was curious about your thoughts on why women who may be allured by a man’s money or power, can seem almost equally or even more so swayed merely by a man’s good looks? Especially in the case when said man has no other resources, including of course, any wealth or power. I have seen some of my closest girlfriends go nuts over a guy just because he had a gorgeous face (or even one that was merely attractive), and most of them also usually shunned men who had other highly desirable attributes, such as high intellect, worldly success, and even (gasp) status. If you can shed any light on this matter, it would be much appreciated!

Thanks,
Arisannah

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Arisannah,

Thank you so much for your compliment.

Now to answer your question, I’d like to point out that beauty is not only in the eyes of the beholder. Humans are conditioned to find certain types of traits ‘beautiful’ cross culturally. Certainly, there are geographical and decade-specific variations (TE’s example of the chubbier women) but even that can be boiled down to biological reasons for the most part (in those times chubbier women were of higher status since they could afford to lead more sedentary lifestyles and were more well fed). Nonetheless, there are enduring qualities which human beings respond to (even babies!). To name a few: bilateral symmetry (left side closely matching the right side), closeness to the .7 hip to waist ratio in women (similar in Marylin Monroe and Kate Moss despite their seemingly different body types), well developed cheekbones in both men and women, full lips in women, developed jaw bone in men, healthy skin in both men and women.

Kate Moss: wide hips, small waist

Most of these traits are determined by the amount of sex hormones we produce (specifically the ratio of the sex hormones) which lead to the development of sexually dimorphic traits during puberty. They signify fertility in women and virility in men; they also signify general fitness in both men and women (health related traits like good skin).

For both men and women, the ultimate goal is successful reproduction (that means good genes being passed on and ensuring that the young have sufficient resources to develop until independent). Men and women use different strategies to achieve this, with women having the additional need for resources since they are generally the ones who wind up rearing the young. Although both sexes strive to mate with good genes, women have developed a DUAL MATING strategy to ensure that whatever young they produce they will be able to survive into adulthood. This dual mating strategy is partly possible through the female’s ability to hide her estrus (so men generally do not know when we are ovulating). We have developed an extended sexuality, having nonconceptual sex (sex not leading to conception) throughout our menstrual cycle. One possible explanation for this is that this strategy allows us to secure material benefits from partners who stick around in hopes of impregnating us. Also, they may stick around in hopes of ensuring that other men will not copulate with us and thus confuse parenting.

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