Love Lab says:

When it comes to relationships and friends I’m always available, always responsive, and almost always there if I’m invited somewhere.  I’m not desperate or anything, I’m just that way. To this day, the only relationships I’ve ever really had work were the ones where I never had to play games. So some questions:

1) should the lesson be that I should not pursue a girl that doesn’t just reciprocate equaly? (like we boys might do the picking up but is  it ultimately their decision)?

2) Is playing the game worth it? Like even if I get her to go on a date am I ultimately just wasting my time?

3) Does it just boil down to they like you or they don’t…not a matter of how you play the game at all?

4) Once I’ve pursued a girl that once showed interest but no longer seems to be is there ever something that can really regain their interest again?

5) Is there maybe some kind of level of distrust about someone that is so available?

6) If the girl is the one reaching out, how does one excercise caution and not suddenly become too available?

7) Most importantly, is there a single good rule to live by for this?

Thanks!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Danny,

Being available is actually a very appealing quality…once you are already in a relationship. It is also an appealing quality during courtship when someone is seeking you out. It let’s the woman know that you are reliable. Being available when needed and MAKING yourself available and at someone’s disposal are different things. If you are responsive and consistent you are sending the message that you are a serious candidate. To answer your questions in brief:

1) It is ultimately the woman’s choice and she will know very quickly whether you are a prospective mate. Your job is to figure out whether she is really interested or is leading you on to have someone pursue her. The best test is to see how she responds to you physically. A girl will allow a mental connection and even spend lots of time with a guy she has a limited interest in, but she is less likely to give herself away physically unless she wants to be with you. Sure there are purely physical relationships, but there shouldn’t be confusion when you find yourself in one of those.

2) You are not wasting your time, because if she agreed to go on a date chances are you appealed to her in some way. This would be your chance to charm her.

3) It boils down whether they are attracted to you or not. Generally this will be known within the first three dates, but some girls will know by the first date. If a girl isn’t being very responsive after the first or second date you can either pursue full force and see if it changes anything or just give up and move on. Some girls will respond to men who are very persistent even if they are unsure about them at first.

4) It depends to why she lost the interest…If it’s because something showed her you are not a good long term partner and she cannot take you seriously, then you would have to somehow change her perception of that for her to consider you again. If she is no longer physically attracted to you then it may be a lost cause.

5) I don’t think there is a level of distrust about availability, but perhaps people will not respect your time as much if they think you are so generous with it. You can think of it in terms of supply and demand; the value of something goes up when it is in higher demand.

6) If the girl is reaching out and you like her and take her seriously, you should be responsive and be available when she wants you there. If you want to be cautious, then you can pace when reciprocating the planning. Just stay in tune with what she is conveying by her actions.

7) Pacing and empathy. Try to stay on the same page and be aware of the other person’s feelings whether they are in your favor or not. It is in your best interest to understand the needs of the other person, even if they do not coincide with your own. This will save you time in the end.

For specific examples, please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com.

We are not talking right now. I’m ok with giving her space. But how can I make sure not to fall back into selfish behaviors if/when we do connect again?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Sleepless in Brooklyn,

It is great that you have taken the time to reflect on this situation. Regardless of a relationship outcome, I believe the success of any relationship can be measured by its positive transformational power.

What you can take away from this experience is that you cannot force someone to like you. Both men and women often hang on that glimmer of hope that someone whom they like will reciprocate. If this girl has already expressed to you she doesn’t want anything romantic, you need to accept this and move on. Your job as a man is to figure out whether a woman is interested during the courtship process and invest your time wisely based on the cues you receive. If you want to not fall back into selfish behaviors, you may want to consider moving on from focusing on this girl as the object of your affection and pursuing individuals who are open to your advances.

If you value her as a person, you can continue to engage her as a friend once some time has passed. If she seems resistant at first, you can apologize and make it clear to her that you will not further pursue her romantically. Eventually, if you stay true to your word, she will begin to trust you again. The challenge for you is to get over her so that you are not creating tension and emotional heaviness in this dynamic.

I also noted that you said she “expressed that she just wants to be friends right now”. You have to be prepared that when she used the word “right now” it may actually mean she only wants to be friends period. Women often tell guys they are not interested in romantically that they want to be friends for the time being, leaving that possibility open that something might happen in the future. This can be because they don’t want to compoletely shut a guy down and hurt this ego; alternatively, it can mean they enjoy having suitors around. In reality, when someone says to you they are not interested right now, you have to accept the possibility that they may never be and not spend your time and emotional energy on something that may never materialize.

I get it, I really do.  I understand it – I pick out a mate for the purpose of my reproduction.  My genes dictate that I find that right one – even if it’s a settled but safe lover, and stick to them.  As you put it so eloquently in your earlier articles, marriage is nothing but a social (and legal) contract to ensure the welfare of offspring.  So then by today’s societal standards, we find someone we’re willing to work with – someone who we feel has the same values for parenthood.  We pick them, have a relationship, and when the excitement dies – you start a family.  See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs

But what if you’re not after marriage?  What if you found someone who you feel can offer your offspring all that is needed but do not want a family?  What happens when you agree that you’re great for each other but don’t want to take that next step (for circumstantial reasons – career, money, etc.).  Then by definition, the relationship will continue until your passion and excitement dies out.

Do you just go on day by day until that happens?  Do you wait for the relationship wilts or for one of us to commit adultery?  What happens when that initial thrill, those butterflies of love die out and you’re left with of a relationship to have a family but no desire to start one?  Do you end it?  What if you don’t want to hurt the other person?  Now what?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear TE,

Not all relationships fizzle out. Sure, many do. But I think it is underestimated how many are alive and strong with these rumors of outrageous divorce rates flying around (the statistics diverge when you consider women who are over 23 years of age and college educated, diminishing that notorious 50%). I think many couples simply don’t have the skills (mainly communication skills) necessary to sustain long term love.

To give you an uplifting example, I assisted in an fMRI study which looked at couples who were in love for over 10 years. These individuals were happy and vibrant and they were absolutely in love (with sex and all) with their partner, whether they were 40 years old or 60 years old!  When looking at their loved ones in an fMRI, similar brain regions were activated (amongst additional ones) as those which were seen in couples who have recently fallen in love. What is more, several studies indicate that these people are not as unique in our society as we have been conditioned to think (I suppose happily married couples don’t make for fun media/television/movie subjects). The following article talks a little about this work: http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2009/01_25-34/LIF

There are certainly things a couple can do to sustain their love. Research by Dr. Arthur Aron has shown, for example, that engaging in novel and stimulating activities with your partner can benefit the relationship and keep the dopamine levels high (dopaminergic systems are implicated in that ‘in love’ feeling). How a couple communicates, particularly during arguments, is also of severe importance; various research endeavors have shown that communicating positive emotions (both physical and verbal) during arguments can be beneficial. Another important quality that has been shown to appear in great relationships is ‘capitalizing’. This means that when your partner expresses positive emotions or news, you reciprocate the positivity and capitalize on it by amplifying it. For example, if your partner tells you about his exciting day at work and you say “Wow, that is great! I am so happy for you!” as opposed to “That’s great, but this also means you will be spending less time at home” or “Oh, that’s cool, do you know yet whether you’ll be able to come to dinner with me this weekend?” Personally, I think empathy on both parts is absolutely critical since it will largely impact how a couple communicates with each other and their ability to reach compromises. By communicating effectively, a couple is able to minimize the negativity of a relationship and emphasize the positives.

As far as the situation you mentioned, where you may have found a great guy but it seems to be poor timing, consider that timing is often a factor whether we like it or not. If this person is really a keeper then you can stick it out and try to maintain your love (with some examples I mentioned above). If BOTH of you are simply not ready for legitimate reasons, then this shouldn’t be too much of an issue. If you are ready and he is not, then you have to consider whether this is the right situation for you since you may be losing out on the opportunity to meet a guy who IS ready.

As far as letting them know when the love dies out…well, you only live once and you cannot worry about hurting someone’s feelings about such major decisions as long as you are being fair. If this is not the right situation for you then this person who loves you has to understand that and will hopefully heal in time. You are hurting them more by staying with them if the love is no longer there since you are keeping them from being in another fulfilled relationship (as well as yourself).

BTW..Love the video! =)

skating on thin ice…

Love,

So here’s the thing. I just recently got out a tumultuous love affair which ended abruptly. I’m basically ok with this and am actively back in the game. Seeing my ex…….? How do you know if that’s truly a good idea or not? I definitely care less about him but sort of long for that comfort from the past… Should I just leave alls well alone? I might be fine with it but I might not…
Pls advise…

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear JR,

The answer depends on how much time you’ve got to waste.

‘Recycling’ is a tricky business. I think a casual relationship with an ex should only be pursued if you feel emotionally removed from the situation and both of you are not really looking for something more. If he is looking for something and you aren’t, he may pull you back in. If you are telling yourself it is just casual but really hoping for something more and he isn’t, then this won’t do much in the way of giving you that comfort you seek.

You called this post ’skating on thin ice’ so you are clearly vulnerable right now and seeing your ex can be exposing you to more possible disappointments.

Very often, after trust has been violated or there is water under the bridge, at least one of the individuals may be reluctant to get back into the dyad. If the relationship does rekindle, power plays may result (see my response to Richard). In addition, it is simply more emotionally pleasing to pursue something new and exciting, rather something old and jaded.

Regardless of what your reasons are for allowing your ex back into your life or how it might affect you, keep in mind that you said you are back in the game. There is only so much time during the week and if you are giving that time away to an ex whom you said you care less about and you are simply seeking comfort (hence I assume you do not see long term potential) then you are probably not being efficient with your dating life.

Unless you are an incredible emotional multi-tasker and can juggle a vibrant dating life, a relationship with an ex boyfriend, and whatever residual feelings you may have for your last lover, I’d say don’t spend too much time on your ex and at the least don’t prioritize him over anything else going on in your life.

A friend of mine once told me that if you have a major set back, it just means there is a greater reality waiting for you out there and you just have to embrace it. Allow yourself to create this possibility for yourself and remember that true strength lies in letting go of that which is holding you back.

So what does one do? I’m in love with a girl more now since we broke up and I don’t have her than I was before, when we were merry and together. Why does it have to work that way? (We were together a year and broke up, btw, primarily because she felt I didn’t see a future with her, and that I wasn’t going to commit to building one…it’s been two months now).

I want to tell her more than ever about it, but she doesn’t want to hear it. Even more, I want to show it in every way and as a result she feels like I’m smothering her. And all I want to do is builld the future that seemed to be missing. Why can’t that be enough?

Worst of all, she loved me so strongly before, she was so into me before, and I just didn’t appreciate it or even know how to, and now on the flip of a dime, it seems like she just said forget it, and moved on. She asks for space, and tho I want to give it to her, I don’t know what it all entails. The more I give it, the more distant it feels like we get. In fact, the only thing that got her to warm up to me the most was when I was cold-hearted to her. But that was after a week that we broke up, now it seems if I were to do the same kind of thing, that it would just solidify the break up.

I want her back, and I want to be the great guy that she once hoped to have a future with. What advice can you give?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Richard,

Your first question is, “why does it have to be that you like someone more after they broke up with you?”

That is simple. Because a significant social tie/attachment has been broken you are now experiencing high levels of dopamine and lower levels of serotonin (very similar to what people who have just fallen in love feel). The former leads to the focused attention and motivational aspects of you wanting to be with your ex, while the latter lead to the obsessive thinking. Rejection does that; especially rejection that makes you realize you were taking someone for granted and you missed out on something wonderful. She made you want to change, which is a very powerful and unique feeling to induce in someone.

Your second question is, “Why can’t it be enough that you are now ready to be commited after you have broken up, inspite of the fact that you have not shown that commitement after a year?”

The reason for that is that your ex is hurt and no longer trusts you with her feelings. You have now initiated a “power play” (see my response to Tim T’s question) due to the fact that her trust in you has been violated by you taking her love for granted for so long.

Your third question is, “How can I get her back?”

That is a tough question to answer. It seems like you really did a 180 and are ready to man up and reciprocate your ex’s previous devotion. However, once a person has been hurt and they have to heal themselves, that often includes building defenses that shut out the very thing that hurt them in the past. In this case, that would be you and the high hopes that she felt in the relationship. That can be very damaging, as that initial naive excitement is pertinent to the romantic idealizatin that occurs in the beginning. It may be hard for her to regain those strong feelings unless she is extremely forgiving. Additionally, she may be trying to rebuild her damaged ego with your current overload of affection. It is difficult to know whether her ultimate goal is to forgive you and try again (and punish you in the meanwhile) or whether this is just her way of dealing with risidual emotional feelings while she heals and moves on.

My advice is that you should try to spend time together and have fun, but be prepared that you may not win her back

I am a 26 male. Things didn’t work out with my ex because I let her get away with “wearing the pants” in the relationship. I really am not happy with my role in that relationship and want to transform into a more “stereotypically-male” version of myself. Is there anything wrong with that? Or am I lying to myself and changing myself because of my ex and not because of me? And is it possible to really become that male I want to be overnight (in the context of relationships) or would I just be pretending to be someone I’m not?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Tim,

First, I’d like to point out that in the first sentence you say that things didn’t work out with your ex so therefore I will take a leap and assume you are broken up. However, in the next sentence you speak of “your role” in that relationship. Once the relationship has dissolved, you have no role within the dyad. Your relantionship is now with yourself.

Second, has your ex told you that this was the reason it didn’t work out? If she did, that is one thing. If this is the conclusion that you came up with, keep in mind that it is simply your analysis of the situation and may not be the real reason it didn’t work out.

Third, let’s assume that really was the reason it didn’t work out. You are speaking of power dynamics in the relationship and it seems they were skewed in her favor for some reason. You believe that perhaps if you acted more like a typical alpha male (see posts on Modern Alpha Male and Modern ALpha Male: why women love him) that you would have maintained the upper hand.

Although this may be true as far as power dynamics are concerned, this is by no means what one should strive for in a healthy relationship. Power plays result from

a) lack of trust…either due to a violation of it or due to it not being established (such as during courting)

b) one or both of the individuals suffering from a Power complex: they may not have matured enough to overcome the constant need to protect their EGO (and may be never will) or they may view others’ trust as an opportunity to manipulate it and abuse it for their own needs.

Healthy relationships are egalitarian in nature.

Fourth, and with that said, you have to ask yourself whether you really want to be in a relationship that put you in a power struggle in the first place. It could be you that is causing this power struggle, in which case you need to address all this. If it is the other individual, or both of you, then you have to decide if this dynamic can be changed. Not to be in your favor! As you would wish. But to be in favor of a healthy relationship, which means no one should have a huge upper hand.

Can this be accomplished over night? I think that big changes can happen instantaneously as soon as your perception of something alters and you transform within. You are seeking control, but the problem is you want control of the relationship and of your ex. WHat you should really be seeking is control of yourself and your emotions. Yes, that can happen overnight and in an instant. And that WILL make you the man you want to be and that others will want (including your ex) because that is an attractive quality to possess.