THE LOVE LAB

SUBJECT: Russian GF

Hi Lovelab,

I had this very sweet Russian girlfriend and it was very intense at first but I was bothered by her unwillingness to cook or clean. Am I a pig or aren’t those the types of things woman tend to do?

Also, she used to sit behind me while I was on the computer and bite her nails obsessively. Is that normal?

LoveLab says:

Dear Shhh,

Yes, some women adhere to their traditional role to cook and clean. However, as the number of women being accepted into graduate school is now exceeding that of men and many women (especially in New York) are putting effort into establishing their own careers, it is hardly reasonable to expect that all women would fall into this stereotype. Women took on these roles since in the past one salary (usually that of the man) was enough to feed the entire family. These days, women often contribute to the family income and even if not at the same rate, the fact that someone brings in less money doesn’t make them less tired from a full workweek.

In addition, women contribute to the marriage in their own unique and irreplaceable way – through childbirth. This is a contribution that involves physical and mental investment for 9 months, but also during the early years when a woman breast feeds. Many women, even if they don’t cook and clean (let’s say they have full time help with a nanny), still take an active role in child rearing and organization of the household chores.

There are also those instances, where women come from money (see The Park Avenue Princess) and are not accustomed to these roles due to their upbringing (nor do they necessarily need to be).

All that matters is that two adults are happy with each others contributions to the partnerships and they value what their partner adds to their life, whether it’d be good companionship, emotional support, financial upward mobility, or the comfort of a meal and a clean home that mama used to give.

And as for the up-in-your-grill nail  biting – may be she just wanted to feel involved in what you were doing?

Good looks in men versus money and power

Hi Miss Love Lab,

Before I ask my question, I just wanted to comment on how lovely you look in your picture on the Ask Love Lab page!

That being said, I was curious about your thoughts on why women who may be allured by a man’s money or power, can seem almost equally or even more so swayed merely by a man’s good looks? Especially in the case when said man has no other resources, including of course, any wealth or power. I have seen some of my closest girlfriends go nuts over a guy just because he had a gorgeous face (or even one that was merely attractive), and most of them also usually shunned men who had other highly desirable attributes, such as high intellect, worldly success, and even (gasp) status. If you can shed any light on this matter, it would be much appreciated!

Thanks,
Arisannah

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Arisannah,

Thank you so much for your compliment.

Now to answer your question, I’d like to point out that beauty is not only in the eyes of the beholder. Humans are conditioned to find certain types of traits ‘beautiful’ cross culturally. Certainly, there are geographical and decade-specific variations (TE’s example of the chubbier women) but even that can be boiled down to biological reasons for the most part (in those times chubbier women were of higher status since they could afford to lead more sedentary lifestyles and were more well fed). Nonetheless, there are enduring qualities which human beings respond to (even babies!). To name a few: bilateral symmetry (left side closely matching the right side), closeness to the .7 hip to waist ratio in women (similar in Marylin Monroe and Kate Moss despite their seemingly different body types), well developed cheekbones in both men and women, full lips in women, developed jaw bone in men, healthy skin in both men and women.

Kate Moss: wide hips, small waist

Most of these traits are determined by the amount of sex hormones we produce (specifically the ratio of the sex hormones) which lead to the development of sexually dimorphic traits during puberty. They signify fertility in women and virility in men; they also signify general fitness in both men and women (health related traits like good skin).

For both men and women, the ultimate goal is successful reproduction (that means good genes being passed on and ensuring that the young have sufficient resources to develop until independent). Men and women use different strategies to achieve this, with women having the additional need for resources since they are generally the ones who wind up rearing the young. Although both sexes strive to mate with good genes, women have developed a DUAL MATING strategy to ensure that whatever young they produce they will be able to survive into adulthood. This dual mating strategy is partly possible through the female’s ability to hide her estrus (so men generally do not know when we are ovulating). We have developed an extended sexuality, having nonconceptual sex (sex not leading to conception) throughout our menstrual cycle. One possible explanation for this is that this strategy allows us to secure material benefits from partners who stick around in hopes of impregnating us. Also, they may stick around in hopes of ensuring that other men will not copulate with us and thus confuse parenting.

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What motivates people to cheat on the one’s they claim to love?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Anonymous,

This is a difficult question to answer since there are so many factors that can be involved and I believe they may be somewhat different for men and women. A question like this can be answered in an entire book, but perhaps I can dedicate an article to this at some point. For now, I’d like to attempt to answer it in brief.

First, we need to separate the condition of being ‘in love’ with ‘loving’. Being passionately and romantically in love with an individual is different than having fond and companionate feelings for them. It is one thing to not stray because you cannot stop thinking about your object of affection, the thought of being with others is simply not as arousing to you, and their reciprocation is of the utmost importance. It is quite another situation when you have been together for a bit and your commitment to the individual is more out of respect and obligation, as well as attachment.

I think people are much less likely to cheat when they are romantically ‘in love’ with someone since a lot of their mental resources are so focused on the object of their love. If people are promiscuous during this time, I would attribute this to insecurity of getting reciprocation from their loved one or of general insecurities over their self worth.
Also, some people believe that a physical indiscretion does not really betray the object of their affection; they have a sharp distinction between sex and love. In their minds, these individuals are not really ‘cheating’ and believe that what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

As far as when people have fallen out of love and claim to ‘love you’, there are both cultural and physiological factors that can lead an individual to cheat. In these cases, I believe a lot depends on the strength of character of the individual combined with the societal treatment of infidelity.

Men and women, at this point, would have different reasons for cheating. Men are programmed to like novelty and seek to spread their genes (sperm) as much as possible. Not every man has the same mating strategy; some are more likely to stick around and ensure that their progeny survives while others take quantity over quality. There are genetic factors involved in this, with certain men being more likely to cheat than others (to be discussed in details in an upcoming article). Women also have a biological program to reproduce successfully (create fit progeny that would have the necessary resources to survive). However, resources are a very important factor for women and many women cannot monopolize good genes and resources in the same package.

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