THE LOVE LAB

Name: Richard

So what does one do? I’m in love with a girl more now since we broke up and I don’t have her than I was before, when we were merry and together. Why does it have to work that way? (We were together a year and broke up, btw, primarily because she felt I didn’t see a future with her, and that I wasn’t going to commit to building one…it’s been two months now).

I want to tell her more than ever about it, but she doesn’t want to hear it. Even more, I want to show it in every way and as a result she feels like I’m smothering her. And all I want to do is build the future that seemed to be missing. Why can’t that be enough?

Worst of all, she loved me so strongly before, she was so into me before, and I just didn’t appreciate it or even know how to, and now on the flip of a dime, it seems like she just said forget it, and moved on. She asks for space, and tho I want to give it to her, I don’t know what it all entails. The more I give it, the more distant it feels like we get. In fact, the only thing that got her to warm up to me the most was when I was cold-hearted to her. But that was after a week that we broke up, now it seems if I were to do the same kind of thing, that it would just solidify the break up.

I want her back, and I want to be the great guy that she once hoped to have a future with. What advice can you give?

LOVE LAB SAYS:

Hi Richard,

Your first question is, “why does it have to be that you like someone more after they broke up with you?”

That is simple. Because a significant social tie/attachment has been broken you are now experiencing high levels of dopamine and lower levels of serotonin (very similar to what people who have just fallen in love feel). The former leads to the focused attention and motivational aspects of you wanting to be with your ex, while the latter lead to the obsessive thinking. Rejection does that; especially rejection that makes you realize you were taking someone for granted and you missed out on something wonderful. She made you want to change, which is a very powerful and unique feeling to induce in someone.

Your second question is, “Why can’t it be enough that you are now ready to be committed after you have broken up, in spite of the fact that you have not shown that commitment after a year?”

The reason for that is that your ex is hurt and no longer trusts you with her feelings. You have now initiated a “power play” (see my response to Tim T’s question) due to the fact that her trust in you has been violated by you taking her love for granted for so long.

Your third question is, “How can I get her back?”

That is a tough question to answer. It seems like you really did a 180 and are ready to man up and reciprocate your ex’s previous devotion. However, once a person has been hurt and they have to heal themselves, that often includes building defenses that shut out the very thing that hurt them in the past. In this case, that would be you and the high hopes that she felt in the relationship. That can be very damaging, as that initial naive excitement is pertinent to the romantic idealization that occurs in the beginning. It may be hard for her to regain those strong feelings unless she is extremely forgiving. Additionally, she may be trying to rebuild her damaged ego with your current overload of affection. It is difficult to know whether her ultimate goal is to forgive you and try again (and punish you in the meanwhile) or whether this is just her way of dealing with residual emotional feelings while she heals and moves on.

My advice is that you should try to spend time together and have fun, but be prepared that you may not win her back.

Name: Tim Transfermo

I am a 26 male. Things didn’t work out with my ex because I let her get away with “wearing the pants” in the relationship. I really am not happy with my role in that relationship and want to transform into a more “stereotypically-male” version of myself. Is there anything wrong with that? Or am I lying to myself and changing myself because of my ex and not because of me? And is it possible to really become that male I want to be overnight (in the context of relationships) or would I just be pretending to be someone I’m not?

LOVE LAB SAYS:

Hi Tim,

First, I’d like to point out that in the first sentence you say that things didn’t work out with your ex so therefore I will take a leap and assume you are broken up. However, in the next sentence you speak of “your role” in that relationship. Once the relationship has dissolved, you have no role within the dyad. Your relationship is now with yourself.

Second, has your ex told you that this was the reason it didn’t work out? If she did, that is one thing. If this is the conclusion that you came up with, keep in mind that it is simply your analysis of the situation and may not be the real reason it didn’t work out.

Third, let’s assume that really was the reason it didn’t work out. You are speaking of power dynamics in the relationship and it seems they were skewed in her favor for some reason. You believe that perhaps if you acted more like a typical alpha male (see posts on Modern Alpha Male and Modern ALpha Male: why women love him) that you would have maintained the upper hand.

Although this may be true as far as power dynamics are concerned, this is by no means what one should strive for in a healthy relationship. Power plays result from

a) lack of trust…either due to a violation of it or due to it not being established (such as during courting)

b) one or both of the individuals suffering from a Power complex: they may not have matured enough to overcome the constant need to protect their EGO (and may be never will) or they may view others’ trust as an opportunity to manipulate it and abuse it for their own needs.

Healthy relationships are egalitarian in nature.

Fourth, and with that said, you have to ask yourself whether you really want to be in a relationship that put you in a power struggle in the first place. It could be you that is causing this power struggle, in which case you need to address all this. If it is the other individual, or both of you, then you have to decide if this dynamic can be changed. Not to be in your favor! As you would wish. But to be in favor of a healthy relationship, which means no one should have a huge upper hand.

Can this be accomplished over night? I think that big changes can happen instantaneously as soon as your perception of something alters and you transform within. You are seeking control, but the problem is you want control of the relationship and of your ex. What you should really be seeking is control of yourself and your emotions. Yes, that can happen overnight and in an instant. And that WILL make you the man you want to be and that others will want (including your ex) because that is an attractive quality to possess.