THE LOVE LAB

Dealing with rejection in a healthy way is a sizable mental feat. It takes years for people to master this and find positivity in rejection. Ultimately, the goal is to see failure as feedback in order to improve your strategies or to understand yourself and others. Rejection can catapult people into depression and make them nonfunctional and self-destructive. So it is important to learn how to buffer yourself against rejection and to have a healthy outlook which will make you resilient in life and love.

NOT ATTACHING YOURSELF TO AN OUTCOME FROM THE BEGINNING

This is a very powerful concept. This does not mean that you are indifferent to the impact a person has on you nor does it mean that you are closed off from love or from the risks associated when allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another. It means that you are open to love in general and not focusing on creating that with someone who is not open to love or is not open to loving YOU. It is a libertarian concept at heart (see post on Libertarian Love) since it means that you are not wishing an outcome for a person that they may not want for themselves. It is about going into relationships, courtship, and dating situations with the knowledge that the person may not feel about you the same way you feel about them and respecting this and not taking it personally. If you have this mindset from the beginning, you will be able to accept and understand that rejection is sometimes a blessing because on some level that person was honest enough with themselves and you to address some sort of incompatibility.

[Love Quote: "Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex." -Donald Symons, an Anthropologist]

Dear Love Lab,

What are some of the things that can indicate that a man is only pursuing you sexually, or actually might want something more serious or long-term? And what do you think are the factors that would influence his motives?

- Curious

LOVELAB SAYS

Dear Curious,

Keep in mind that the two are not mutually exclusive; a guy who really likes you might still be initially trying to consummate the physical aspect of your relationship. His pushiness with this could be an indication that he is trying to ensure:
a) you are not using him for whatever material benefits you are receiving through the courtship
b) you are not trying to place him in the ‘friend’ category
c) you have a good sexual chemistry

So if he is seemingly aggressive about sealing the deal, look at the whole picture to see if there are relationship-seeking signs displayed at the same time.

SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS SEX

-he is inconsistent with contacting you; days, or even weeks or months go by before you hear from him
-he only calls you to hang out at night
-he is limiting his material and time investment in the relationship
-he doesn’t seem to want to get to know you
-he forgets relevant things about you that you’ve mentioned several times
-the relationship is not progressing in intimacy after you have spent a lot of time together
-he doesn’t go out of his way for you

SIGNS HE IS SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP

-he is taking initiative in planning activities together, particularly those that involve a lot of one-on-one time
-he seems to admire you as a person
-he considers your opinion when making future-oriented decisions
-he prioritizes you
-he wants you to be included in his life and vice versa
-he introduces you to important people in his life
-he opens up to you about his feelings

As far as factors influencing his motives, that is too involved to address in one post. Please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com to inquire into package prices or continue asking more specific questions by emailing me at askme@lovelabonline.com.