THE LOVE LAB

Dealing with rejection in a healthy way is a sizable mental feat. It takes years for people to master this and find positivity in rejection. Ultimately, the goal is to see failure as feedback in order to improve your strategies or to understand yourself and others. Rejection can catapult people into depression and make them nonfunctional and self-destructive. So it is important to learn how to buffer yourself against rejection and to have a healthy outlook which will make you resilient in life and love.

NOT ATTACHING YOURSELF TO AN OUTCOME FROM THE BEGINNING

This is a very powerful concept. This does not mean that you are indifferent to the impact a person has on you nor does it mean that you are closed off from love or from the risks associated when allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another. It means that you are open to love in general and not focusing on creating that with someone who is not open to love or is not open to loving YOU. It is a libertarian concept at heart (see post on Libertarian Love) since it means that you are not wishing an outcome for a person that they may not want for themselves. It is about going into relationships, courtship, and dating situations with the knowledge that the person may not feel about you the same way you feel about them and respecting this and not taking it personally. If you have this mindset from the beginning, you will be able to accept and understand that rejection is sometimes a blessing because on some level that person was honest enough with themselves and you to address some sort of incompatibility.

[Dating quote: "Unless you are really bad, we will give you a chance to sleep with us." - Alek G. New York, NY]

It’s true. Even if a girl’s game isn’t tight, she can still get a second date if the guy is physically attracted to her.

There are a couple of deal breakers….and a few bad impression leavers.

DON’T sleep with a guy on a first date – yes so cliche, but true. Even if you are telling yourself that you only like him enough to sustain an exclusively physical relationship (a.k.a. booty call), this is still not the best way to do that. And yes, there are exceptions where the chemistry is so strong and the personalities are so compatible, that the guy may pursue a commitment. This is rare and you can’t lose anything by being patient.

DON’T get/act drunk – tipsy is ok, but slurring your words and tripping over yourself is not ok. Even if the guy has a lot of fun, he’s going to wonder if he can ever bring you home to mama.

These are some of the ‘not recommended’:

DON’T order more than one drink unless he offers – this partly goes along with the ‘don’t get drunk’ deal breaker, but additionally be conscious of the fact that very often the guy pays for the date and so being leisurely with ordering may come off as inconsiderate.

DON’T be glued to the blackberry – apparently guys hate it when girls keep checking and using their mobile device during a date. Some see it as a sign of immaturity; being overly social can be associated with the younger girl as opposed to the mature and independent woman. Others simply find it irritating and rude that a person is not present there with them, but is stuck in some other dimension.

DON’T dress inappropriately - dress to the weather, occasion, and look your best. A first date is not the time to experiment with new lipsticks or your ’sweatpants chic’ look. At the same time, you shouldn’t wear a mini-dress to brunch; you certainly don’t want to come off like you are trying too hard. Look your best for the occasion, but ensure that you are comfortable and mobile in whatever you wear. Stay tuned for a post on dressing for a date.

Exercise caution in discussing religion and politics – Women are often not as well versed in politics, probably because they are not as interested. In any case, being less informed often doesn’t prevent people from forming strong opinions (this goes for both sexes). Tread lightly here (see previous post on DISCUSSING RELIGION AND POLITICS ON A FIRST DATE).

Although this is a dynamic subject, as I am constantly discovering new faux pas that can come from the other end, I decided to post some general no no’s.

Some of these are downright deal breakers for some females, whereas others just make a bad impression. Here it goes;

DON’T ask a girl to come meet you in your neighborhood or half way.

DON’T fumble with the check or let her pay half.

DON’T talk about yourself the whole time.

DON’T try to go for the kiss unless it is painfully clear the girl is feeling you.

DON’T let the girl take public transportation at night.

DON’T engage in dirty talking until you’ve at least made out first.

That’s all for today folks. Stay tuned for more in this never ending series.

wondering..

What does a late 20s – early 30s man really want from a woman?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Faina,

As I have written in an earlier post, I believe that men in that age category are prime candidates for settling down (see THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). This is around the time when they have gotten their careers somewhat on track and also have had enough relationship experience to have an idea of what it is they are looking for in a woman. Yet, they are not quite so old as to get used to being alone and settle into their bachelor routine. The government sites with marriage statistics show that the average age of for men is between 26-27, and this hasn’t changed much in the last century…however, this was dated back to 2003.

I found the following marriage statistic for US on www.nationamaster.com for the median age of males for 2008:

#56

United States:

35.4 years

2008

This seemed a bit high and I wasn’t sure how reliable this site was, so I looked up a government census site, which gave a statistic by state for 2007. Here are the top 5 states (NY being #3 with the median male age being 29.9 for first marriage):

source: http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/GRTTable?_bm=y&-_box_head_nbr=R1204&-ds_name=ACS_2007_1YR_G00_&-_lang=en&-format=US-30

At this point, men may be unlikely to jump into a serious relationship with a girl unless she fits into the profile of the kind of girl they see in the long term. If you fit the bill, they will pursue you seriously and will exhibit relationship seeking behaviors; if you don’t they will probably pursue you for sex. Some of the behaviors that indicate each respective motivation are described in one of my earlier posts (SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX).

There are, of course, exceptions. Some men never settle down and some always remain users, even when they settle down. Overall though, I think that this is the most appealing category of men to date.
There was a server issue this weekend so I apologize for the delay in this response (as well as any other ASK LOVELAB Q&A’s currently in queue).

[Quote of the day: "It is better to have loved and lost, then to have kept loving someone who sucked you dry" -S.K. New York, NY]

skating on thin ice…

Love,

So here’s the thing. I just recently got out a tumultuous love affair which ended abruptly. I’m basically ok with this and am actively back in the game. Seeing my ex…….? How do you know if that’s truly a good idea or not? I definitely care less about him but sort of long for that comfort from the past… Should I just leave alls well alone? I might be fine with it but I might not…
Pls advise…

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear JR,

The answer depends on how much time you’ve got to waste.

‘Recycling’ is a tricky business. I think a casual relationship with an ex should only be pursued if you feel emotionally removed from the situation and both of you are not really looking for something more. If he is looking for something and you aren’t, he may pull you back in. If you are telling yourself it is just casual but really hoping for something more and he isn’t, then this won’t do much in the way of giving you that comfort you seek.

You called this post ’skating on thin ice’ so you are clearly vulnerable right now and seeing your ex can be exposing you to more possible disappointments.

Very often, after trust has been violated or there is water under the bridge, at least one of the individuals may be reluctant to get back into the dyad. If the relationship does rekindle, power plays may result (see my response to Richard). In addition, it is simply more emotionally pleasing to pursue something new and exciting, rather something old and jaded.

Regardless of what your reasons are for allowing your ex back into your life or how it might affect you, keep in mind that you said you are back in the game. There is only so much time during the week and if you are giving that time away to an ex whom you said you care less about and you are simply seeking comfort (hence I assume you do not see long term potential) then you are probably not being efficient with your dating life.

Unless you are an incredible emotional multi-tasker and can juggle a vibrant dating life, a relationship with an ex boyfriend, and whatever residual feelings you may have for your last lover, I’d say don’t spend too much time on your ex and at the least don’t prioritize him over anything else going on in your life.

A friend of mine once told me that if you have a major set back, it just means there is a greater reality waiting for you out there and you just have to embrace it. Allow yourself to create this possibility for yourself and remember that true strength lies in letting go of that which is holding you back.