THE LOVE LAB

Dear Ms. Lovelab,

I recently started to use an online dating service. The first few days I was like a kid in a candy store, full of exuberance. But after a few interactions, some great and some not so great, I realized I am not shopping on amazon, there is no 1-click checkout here. So I need some advice.

I happen to be in online marketing, so I am familiar with concepts of reach, response, engagement and conversions, and customer loyalty, which is what this all seems about.

I got some advice from a friend, which seems like common sense advice, but I am sure a Love expert can really help here. His advice was that I gradually move up the ladder of mediums of conversation prior to asking the girl to meet face to face. IM on site to AIM to Phone. Which I have been doing and it seems to be working, but I am not sure if its the best way to go about things, since its seems awfully slow. Right now I am IMing everyone that can be attractive to me in person. I then speak to the ones that respond, 10-30 minutes. I then try to excuse myself to do something else and ask for their AIM/Yahoo IM. There I spend a few hours causally chatting as I work 2-3 days, if their routine allows for it. (Not seeming too anxious) Then again I say that I am on my way to do something but would love to give them a call. When I get the number, I usually call the next day and we talk as I drive to the gym or on the way back. I usually start talking about meeting on day 2 or 3 of the phone conversations and ask to meet one on one after work.

My questions are the following:

-What do you think of the system?
-How long should I spend on each medium before suggesting the upgrade?
-Do you suggest meeting one-on-one or arranging to meet bump into one another in a club or bar environment on the weekend with others present?
-Should I spend time on women out of my comfort age range?
Assuming I am interested with casual relationships as well as serious ones? (I am 27, so the comfort range would probably be 22-27.)
-Any further pitfalls or other advice you have that’s relevant to meeting a woman online and not in person where the chemistry is instant?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Jdater,

Although a progression in mediums is inevitable (jdate im, messenger/email, text, phone), I see some areas in need of improvement as far as your routine goes – especially if you are seeking efficiency.

For one, the time spent on each medium should depend on which one you are best at. For example, many guys are not adept at phone conversations and therefore should keep that portion at a minimum. You can literally do all the planning on email/messenger and phone the girl on the day of the meeting to confirm details and solidify the reality of it all.

Others are awkward online and should switch to phone as soon as they have the chance (for example as soon as you have secured minimum interest, use aim/messenger to ask the girl if you can call her later that night since you are running to a meeting).

The jdate IM conversation should only be used to establish a general rapport and you should try to transition from this medium asap. The aim/messenger only needs to go for as long as you need to intrigue the girl and establish some sort of mental attraction; I suggest quitting when you’re on top. If you are particularly charming on this medium, then you can go for longer, but really I don’t think more than 20 minutes is necessary.

The phone conversation phase should only be emphasized if you two have totally clicked and/or you are particularly charming and can get the girl excited about the date. Otherwise, I don’t recommend more than 15 minutes, at which time you should make a slight attempt at making her laugh and close the deal at the end of the convo by asking to grab drinks that same week (if this is during the day you can secure a quick lunch/coffee date). You should not be spending hours chatting on the phone and certainly not more than one day!!! Once you have already secured a meeting day, then you can risk screwing that up by calling her a second time and chatting, but otherwise don’t waste your time.

No matter what you do on AIM or on the phone, it is all going to come down to the face to face meeting so you should try to reach that phase as soon as you can.

I suggest one on one meetings as opposed to group ones.

Yes, you should spend time on women out of your comfort range. Older women these days look great and are sexy and confident. You can’t lose out by opening yourself up to this, especially if you are also looking for casual encounters.

As far as other advice, it’s best not to ask a girl to meet her for coffee during dinner time. =)

Hi Ms. Lovelab. I am a HUGE fan of your writing and so glad to see you have an advice column up. Anyways, I am a 27 year old male that goes on dates all the time. When is it okay to smack a girl’s bottom, just a light tap (length of time into the date). In general I’d like to know how soon I can initiate various forms of contact with her such as holding her hand, making out, taking her back to my place, the usual… I don’t want to come off as a jerk or too forward but I definitely be forward enough.

- Love The Booty

Stay classy Lovelab

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hello BootyLover,

I think small forms of physical contact should be initiated as soon as a verbal rapport has been set up. For example, if you have gotten to the point where you can get a girl to laugh or giggle, this would be an opportune time to lightly touch her on the hand or on the back or on the back of her shoulder. This will anchor whatever positive feelings she is experiencing at the time of the moment and associate them with you. Once you see a positive response to this behavior (she doesn’t retract or exhibit disgust), you can move on to more aggressive feats. By the end of the date, you can attempt to grab the hand if you are walking around or walking back to the car. If this goes well, you can try to squeeze her hand while you are holding it towards the end of the night. If she responds by looking at you and smiling (or looking with eye contact), pull her closer and go for the kiss.

You should wait until date number 2 to lightly smack the tush, if all goes according to plan on date 1. Make sure to apologize right after