THE LOVE LAB

The Fleeting Love

Lovelab,

Can you explain how to make a man want to take care of you?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Hi Karen,

I think there are several factors to consider.

First, a man’s capacity to care for someone varies on an individual basis. Some men are mature enough to express their care with appropriate behaviors; some men are simply more capable of care in and of itself due to higher empathy (see my post on THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). It may be easier for them to care for all people, not just the ones they love.

As for or the regular Joe, I think a man needs to feel he wants to invest in you (or has already invested in you) in order for him to elicit caring behaviors. For example, if he is sexually pursuing you or if you are married and you are the mother of his children. In both instances, caring for you would be protecting his own investment (especially in the latter case).

However, aside from that, there are certain females that are extremely good at eliciting the caring response. Think Marylin Monroe; both men and women felt a parental warmth towards her. According to Konrad Lorenz’s theory, childlike characteristics produce an instinctual protective response in people. Thus emphasizing various child like characteristics can enhance your ability to elicit the caring response from men. Below are some examples.

Physical Traits in women that denote a childlike innocence:

Full and well defined lips (natural reddish color)

Rosy cheeks

Firm and elastic skin that glows (although some freckles can denote youth, as well)

Large eyes

Rounded cheeks

Long eyelashes

Blond curls

[...]

In my quest to find out the formula for the ultimate romantic partnership, I have yet to come up with better descriptions of the necessary components. Note these are necessary but not sufficient and they apply more to the relationships which have lasted past the initial period of passionate romantic love.

I am still working out the kinks of the entire formula (lovelab – get it?).

Knowledge = In order to have open communication, there has to be knowledge of the other individual and understanding of their needs and intentions.

Respect = How can you trust someone if you do not believe in the integrity of their word? How can there be idealization without admiration? How can you view the other as an equal and treat them as such when you do not respect their goals, opinions, and beliefs? Some may think that trust is its own category, but I am still debating that. At this time, I’ll have to say that trust is embedded in respect. If you respect your partner’s word that they will be loyal to you, then you should be able to trust them. Vice versa, if you respect your partner then you will not be careless with their feelings or humiliate them through infidelity.