WHAT MOTIVATES PEOPLE TO CHEAT (Anonymous asks LOVELAB)
29 Dec
Name: Anonymous
What motivates people to cheat on the one’s they claim to love?
LOVE LAB SAYS:
Dear Anonymous,
This is a difficult question to answer since there are so many factors that can be involved and I believe they may be somewhat different for men and women. A question like this can be answered in an entire book, but perhaps I can dedicate an article to this at some point. For now, I’d like to attempt to answer it in brief.
First, we need to separate the condition of being ‘in love’ with ‘loving’. Being passionately and romantically in love with an individual is different than having fond and caring feelings for them. It is one thing to not stray because you cannot stop thinking about your object of affection, the thought of being with others is simply not as arousing to you, and their reciprocation is of the utmost importance. It is quite another situation when you have been together for a bit and your commitment to the individual is more out of respect and obligation, as well as attachment.
I think people are much less likely to cheat when they are romantically ‘in love’ with someone since a lot of their mental resources are so focused on the object of their love. If people are promiscuous during this time, I would attribute this to insecurity of getting reciprocation from their loved one or of general insecurities over their self worth.
Also, some people believe that a physical indiscretion does not really betray the object of their affection; they have a sharp distinction between sex and love. In their minds, these individuals are not really ‘cheating’ and believe that what you don’t know won’t hurt you.
As far as when people have fallen out of love and claim to ‘love you’, there are both cultural and physiological factors that can lead an individual to cheat. In these cases, I believe a lot depends on the strength of character of the individual combined with the societal treatment of infidelity.
Men and women, at this point, would have different reasons for cheating. Men are programmed to like novelty and seek to spread their genes (sperm) as much as possible. Not every man has the same mating strategy; some are more likely to stick around and ensure that their progeny survives while others take quantity over quality. There are genetic factors involved in this, with certain men being more likely to cheat than others (to be discussed in details in an upcoming article). Women also have a biological program to reproduce successfully (create fit progeny that would have the necessary resources to survive). However, resources are a very important factor for women and many women cannot monopolize good genes and resources in the same package.
Those with partners who are missing the good genes are prone to be attracted to men with masculine features and testosterone markers during their ovulation. Women are probably less likely to physically betray a man with good gene markers since there would be no payoff with that; however, it may be possible that they may try to secure material benefits from other men by various means or simply seek a partner who can offer both.
I’d like to point out that in spite of these evolutionary/biological factors, humans are perfectly capable of not cheating regardless the instinctual drives. In this sense, I really believe the character of the individual plays a major role. Some people may want to cheat, but they don’t because they have decided for themselves not to do it. We have the ability to have this conviction and some people are simply more evolved in this respect, choosing to be honest regardless of how this may conflict with their mating strategy.
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Name: Richard
So what does one do? I’m in love with a girl more now since we broke up and I don’t have her than I was before, when we were merry and together. Why does it have to work that way? (We were together a year and broke up, btw, primarily because she felt I didn’t see a future with her, and that I wasn’t going to commit to building one…it’s been two months now).
I want to tell her more than ever about it, but she doesn’t want to hear it. Even more, I want to show it in every way and as a result she feels like I’m smothering her. And all I want to do is build the future that seemed to be missing. Why can’t that be enough?
Worst of all, she loved me so strongly before, she was so into me before, and I just didn’t appreciate it or even know how to, and now on the flip of a dime, it seems like she just said forget it, and moved on. She asks for space, and tho I want to give it to her, I don’t know what it all entails. The more I give it, the more distant it feels like we get. In fact, the only thing that got her to warm up to me the most was when I was cold-hearted to her. But that was after a week that we broke up, now it seems if I were to do the same kind of thing, that it would just solidify the break up.
I want her back, and I want to be the great guy that she once hoped to have a future with. What advice can you give?
LOVE LAB SAYS:
Hi Richard,
Your first question is, “why does it have to be that you like someone more after they broke up with you?”
That is simple. Because a significant social tie/attachment has been broken you are now experiencing high levels of dopamine and lower levels of serotonin (very similar to what people who have just fallen in love feel). The former leads to the focused attention and motivational aspects of you wanting to be with your ex, while the latter lead to the obsessive thinking. Rejection does that; especially rejection that makes you realize you were taking someone for granted and you missed out on something wonderful. She made you want to change, which is a very powerful and unique feeling to induce in someone.
Your second question is, “Why can’t it be enough that you are now ready to be committed after you have broken up, in spite of the fact that you have not shown that commitment after a year?”
The reason for that is that your ex is hurt and no longer trusts you with her feelings. You have now initiated a “power play” (see my response to Tim T’s question) due to the fact that her trust in you has been violated by you taking her love for granted for so long.
Your third question is, “How can I get her back?”
That is a tough question to answer. It seems like you really did a 180 and are ready to man up and reciprocate your ex’s previous devotion. However, once a person has been hurt and they have to heal themselves, that often includes building defenses that shut out the very thing that hurt them in the past. In this case, that would be you and the high hopes that she felt in the relationship. That can be very damaging, as that initial naive excitement is pertinent to the romantic idealization that occurs in the beginning. It may be hard for her to regain those strong feelings unless she is extremely forgiving. Additionally, she may be trying to rebuild her damaged ego with your current overload of affection. It is difficult to know whether her ultimate goal is to forgive you and try again (and punish you in the meanwhile) or whether this is just her way of dealing with residual emotional feelings while she heals and moves on.
My advice is that you should try to spend time together and have fun, but be prepared that you may not win her back.