THE LOVE LAB

I seem to have the worst luck with guys. I have never had a serious relationship last longer than five months, and with the guys I date and choose to let into my world, they seem to be very interested in the beginning and then disappear for no reason at all. I consider myself a pretty independent and self aware person who is pretty normal, but with this area of my life I can’t seem to figure out the whole dating thing. It’s frustrating to never get beyond a certain point with guys that I’m interested in. I have learned a lot in my past dating/relationship experiences but I’m ready for something more and I can’t seem to find a guy I’m into who’s on the same page. Why is it so hard?

Love Lab says:

What is it about being available that is so unappealing?  Yeah, we all know we want what we cannot have but why can’t it simply be, hey I like you and you like me, let’s hang out. Why does it almost always have to be games?

When it comes to relationships and friends I’m always available, always responsive, and almost always there if I’m invited somewhere.  I’m not desperate or anything, I’m just that way. To this day, the only relationships I’ve ever really had work were the ones where I never had to play games. So some questions:

1) should the lesson be that I should not pursue a girl that doesn’t just reciprocate equaly? (like we boys might do the picking up but is  it ultimately their decision)?

2) Is playing the game worth it? Like even if I get her to go on a date am I ultimately just wasting my time?

3) Does it just boil down to they like you or they don’t…not a matter of how you play the game at all?

4) Once I’ve pursued a girl that once showed interest but no longer seems to be is there ever something that can really regain their interest again?

5) Is there maybe some kind of level of distrust about someone that is so available?

6) If the girl is the one reaching out, how does one excercise caution and not suddenly become too available?

7) Most importantly, is there a single good rule to live by for this?

Thanks!

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Danny,

Being available is actually a very appealing quality…once you are already in a relationship. It is also an appealing quality during courtship when someone is seeking you out. It let’s the woman know that you are reliable. Being available when needed and MAKING yourself available and at someone’s disposal are different things. If you are responsive and consistent you are sending the message that you are a serious candidate. To answer your questions in brief:

1) It is ultimately the woman’s choice and she will know very quickly whether you are a prospective mate. Your job is to figure out whether she is really interested or is leading you on to have someone pursue her. The best test is to see how she responds to you physically. A girl will allow a mental connection and even spend lots of time with a guy she has a limited interest in, but she is less likely to give herself away physically unless she wants to be with you. Sure there are purely physical relationships, but there shouldn’t be confusion when you find yourself in one of those.

2) You are not wasting your time, because if she agreed to go on a date chances are you appealed to her in some way. This would be your chance to charm her.

3) It boils down whether they are attracted to you or not. Generally this will be known within the first three dates, but some girls will know by the first date. If a girl isn’t being very responsive after the first or second date you can either pursue full force and see if it changes anything or just give up and move on. Some girls will respond to men who are very persistent even if they are unsure about them at first.

4) It depends to why she lost the interest…If it’s because something showed her you are not a good long term partner and she cannot take you seriously, then you would have to somehow change her perception of that for her to consider you again. If she is no longer physically attracted to you then it may be a lost cause.

5) I don’t think there is a level of distrust about availability, but perhaps people will not respect your time as much if they think you are so generous with it. You can think of it in terms of supply and demand; the value of something goes up when it is in higher demand.

6) If the girl is reaching out and you like her and take her seriously, you should be responsive and be available when she wants you there. If you want to be cautious, then you can pace when reciprocating the planning. Just stay in tune with what she is conveying by her actions.

7) Pacing and empathy. Try to stay on the same page and be aware of the other person’s feelings whether they are in your favor or not. It is in your best interest to understand the needs of the other person, even if they do not coincide with your own. This will save you time in the end.

For specific examples, please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com.

wondering..

What does a late 20s – early 30s man really want from a woman?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear Faina,

As I have written in an earlier post, I believe that men in that age category are prime candidates for settling down (see THE AGE A MAN SHOULD SETTLE DOWN). This is around the time when they have gotten their careers somewhat on track and also have had enough relationship experience to have an idea of what it is they are looking for in a woman. Yet, they are not quite so old as to get used to being alone and settle into their bachelor routine. The government sites with marriage statistics show that the average age of for men is between 26-27, and this hasn’t changed much in the last century…however, this was dated back to 2003.

I found the following marriage statistic for US on www.nationamaster.com for the median age of males for 2008:

#56

United States:

35.4 years

2008

This seemed a bit high and I wasn’t sure how reliable this site was, so I looked up a government census site, which gave a statistic by state for 2007. Here are the top 5 states (NY being #3 with the median male age being 29.9 for first marriage):

source: http://factfinder.census.gov/servlet/GRTTable?_bm=y&-_box_head_nbr=R1204&-ds_name=ACS_2007_1YR_G00_&-_lang=en&-format=US-30

At this point, men may be unlikely to jump into a serious relationship with a girl unless she fits into the profile of the kind of girl they see in the long term. If you fit the bill, they will pursue you seriously and will exhibit relationship seeking behaviors; if you don’t they will probably pursue you for sex. Some of the behaviors that indicate each respective motivation are described in one of my earlier posts (SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX).

There are, of course, exceptions. Some men never settle down and some always remain users, even when they settle down. Overall though, I think that this is the most appealing category of men to date.
There was a server issue this weekend so I apologize for the delay in this response (as well as any other ASK LOVELAB Q&A’s currently in queue).

Ok I get it…now what?

I get it, I really do.  I understand it – I pick out a mate for the purpose of my reproduction.  My genes dictate that I find that right one – even if it’s a settled but safe lover, and stick to them.  As you put it so eloquently in your earlier articles, marriage is nothing but a social (and legal) contract to ensure the welfare of offspring.  So then by today’s societal standards, we find someone we’re willing to work with – someone who we feel has the same values for parenthood.  We pick them, have a relationship, and when the excitement dies – you start a family.  See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs

But what if you’re not after marriage?  What if you found someone who you feel can offer your offspring all that is needed but do not want a family?  What happens when you agree that you’re great for each other but don’t want to take that next step (for circumstantial reasons – career, money, etc.).  Then by definition, the relationship will continue until your passion and excitement dies out.

Do you just go on day by day until that happens?  Do you wait for the relationship wilts or for one of us to commit adultery?  What happens when that initial thrill, those butterflies of love die out and you’re left with of a relationship to have a family but no desire to start one?  Do you end it?  What if you don’t want to hurt the other person?  Now what?

LOVELAB SAYS:

Dear TE,

Not all relationships fizzle out. Sure, many do. But I think it is underestimated how many are alive and strong with these rumors of outrageous divorce rates flying around (the statistics diverge when you consider women who are over 23 years of age and college educated, diminishing that notorious 50%). I think many couples simply don’t have the skills (mainly communication skills) necessary to sustain long term love.

To give you an uplifting example, I assisted in an fMRI study which looked at couples who were in love for over 10 years. These individuals were happy and vibrant and they were absolutely in love (with sex and all) with their partner, whether they were 40 years old or 60 years old!  When looking at their loved ones in an fMRI, similar brain regions were activated (amongst additional ones) as those which were seen in couples who have recently fallen in love. What is more, several studies indicate that these people are not as unique in our society as we have been conditioned to think (I suppose happily married couples don’t make for fun media/television/movie subjects). The following article talks a little about this work: http://www.hometownannapolis.com/cgi-bin/read/2009/01_25-34/LIF

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