THE LOVE LAB

Name: N

Subject: What to do now

So, I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month, and told him that I didn’t want to get intimate unless we were in a committed relationship. We have great chemistry, and seem to click really well, so he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I agreed. Now since then, we’ve had sex but I feel awkward. How do I know if he really meant all the things he’s said to me? I’ve been hurt before and dumped after sex so I know I can jump the gun, but I really like this guy and want to know how I can tell, now that we’ve had sex.

LOVE LAB says:

Dear N,

You did the right thing by setting the parameters under which you would agree to be intimate. You have every right to state your boundaries, especially when it comes to your own body.

Now you have to ask yourself…do YOU feel awkward because of your own hurt and insecurity (perhaps negativity that you’ve collected from your past relationships) or IS it awkward between the two of you now that he has verbally committed? If there is no tangible reason that you feel this way and he is acting the same, consider the possibility that may be you are not used to having a guy reciprocate due to your past. If this is the case, try not to convey this insecurity and negativity to your boyfriend since this is not something he has caused and it is not fair for him to deal with it. It may bring heaviness to a relationship that may actually be having a very healthy start.

On the other hand, if you see some sort of negative difference in his behavior or suspect foul play (due to actual things that you have seen) then you have to ask yourself if your new boyfriend is a trustworthy individual. Sometimes this can take some time to figure out, but sometimes there are signs earlier on if you do not ignore them. Keep vigilant about his character, but do so in a positive and rational way.

Remember, you cannot force someone to have feelings for you and you cannot force someone to BE committed in their minds. However, if that person CHOSE to be committed to you (at least at face value) by agreeing to be your boyfriend then it is HIS fault that he has committed to something for the wrong reasons or that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Sure, there are those guys out there and it is unfortunate that people are not more empathic. However, this is not something YOU should stress about as you have not done anything wrong. Your job to figure out is whether this is a good person and someone you want to be with. If he has not given you signs of otherwise, then enjoy the relationship and be confident that the truth reveals itself if you are open to it. But also be open to the truth that he might also be a great guy that likes you and that you deserve that.

If you are curious about actual signs of interest, check out my post on “SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS YOU FOR SEX” as a quick reference. Keep in mind when you read that post that certain people take longer than others to become vulnerable; guys in particular tend to build longer bridges. However, if a guy takes you seriously and is really into you he will generally want to get closer. If he has already committed to an exclusive relationship then you can look out for ways in which he is trying to include you in his life or vice versa. If this has not happened yet, though, be patient and do not force it. If you have further questions regarding anything in this response, please feel free to send more q’s to askme@lovelabonline.com.

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute recently discovered that male chimps who are generous with the meat they acquire tend to mate twice as much with the females that they bestow these gifts upon. Christina Gomez and her colleagues didn’t see this exchange at first because they assumed that the exchange would be immediate, but the fruits of the male chimp’s labor came to be realized at other points of the female’s cycle.

In fact, providing the female with meat when she wasn’t even ovulating increased the male’s chimp of having sex with her when she was, thus increasing his chances of impregnating the female. In other words, while the shisty monkeys were smirking at the ‘baller’ chimps as they squandered away their hard earned meat to the ungrateful females, the strategic baller knew that he’d get the last laugh with his generosity when it was estrus time. The results of this quite intuitive observation were recently published in the PLoS One journal.

Generosity in human males can be used to display resources and thus can be an indication for females of the relative status of the male. In addition, the male’s ability to share these resources with the female is predictive that he will be a good caretaker of her and her offspring.

[Love Quote: "Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex." -Donald Symons, an Anthropologist]

Dear Love Lab,

What are some of the things that can indicate that a man is only pursuing you sexually, or actually might want something more serious or long-term? And what do you think are the factors that would influence his motives?

- Curious

LOVELAB SAYS

Dear Curious,

Keep in mind that the two are not mutually exclusive; a guy who really likes you might still be initially trying to consummate the physical aspect of your relationship. His pushiness with this could be an indication that he is trying to ensure:
a) you are not using him for whatever material benefits you are receiving through the courtship
b) you are not trying to place him in the ‘friend’ category
c) you have a good sexual chemistry

So if he is seemingly aggressive about sealing the deal, look at the whole picture to see if there are relationship-seeking signs displayed at the same time.

SIGNS HE ONLY WANTS SEX

-he is inconsistent with contacting you; days, or even weeks or months go by before you hear from him
-he only calls you to hang out at night
-he is limiting his material and time investment in the relationship
-he doesn’t seem to want to get to know you
-he forgets relevant things about you that you’ve mentioned several times
-the relationship is not progressing in intimacy after you have spent a lot of time together
-he doesn’t go out of his way for you

SIGNS HE IS SEEKING A RELATIONSHIP

-he is taking initiative in planning activities together, particularly those that involve a lot of one-on-one time
-he seems to admire you as a person
-he considers your opinion when making future-oriented decisions
-he prioritizes you
-he wants you to be included in his life and vice versa
-he introduces you to important people in his life
-he opens up to you about his feelings

As far as factors influencing his motives, that is too involved to address in one post. Please contact me at consulting@lovelabonline.com to inquire into package prices or continue asking more specific questions by emailing me at askme@lovelabonline.com.